A few years ago, not long after a short tryst I’d had with what easily classifies as the most attractive woman – inside and out that I’d ever met – Rachel Gooch – I’d been trying to clean myself up from a long standing addiction to cocaine when she said in a phone conversation that stung in a way I needed it to.
Paraphrasing, because I don’t remember the exact words, she said “What you remember about our relationship is not reality”.
All throughout my life, I’ve felt insecure about who I am. I grew up bullied, and while I overcame that stigma by working out like a mad dog, I still had this problem with my own imagination – a problem which had me always preparing for the worst that could happen while simultaneously hoping for the best – and finding myself pleasantly surprised when things worked out my way.
Putting my life into contrast, the time I did share with Rachel was informative.
She came from a wealthy family. Her husband was also wealthy. I myself wanted wealth as well, which when I found Rachel attracted to me – that came as a surprise because I sincerely felt like her and her ‘caste system’ for lack of better description was so profoundly different from my own that it just… did not compute.
More specifically. I just enjoyed the time with her and stopped asking why she was here.
But I also paid attention. Chris – Rachel’s husband – would regularly send checks to help Chris and Rachel out with their household and related expenses. Unprompted. Her own father was the former head of the Department of Defense, a leader by any definition, and clearly he knew things about the world that even I may not have at that time. Chris – a prominent lawyer in Phoenix – and Rachel – were the very definition of a silver spoon family and household, And while Rachel and I shared some intimate moments, I had this distinct feeling that Chris had…. orchestrated it.
Which made me feel…. Weird. Like I was travelling unmapped territory in human relationships.
Oh sure, I’d heard about ESP before and read stories about Extra Sensory Perception, but like many things ranging from telekinesis to telepathy, teleportation to transmutation, the alliteration highly intentional with the usage of t’s – having never actually witnessed it for myself to my conscious awareness.
I’d begun to discover there was ore to this world than I’d at first imagined possible.
So when Rachel told me that our relationship was imagined.
It was the first time in my life I didn’t take her assertion personally.
Nor did I question my own experiences.
I’d met Rachel in a Marketing class at University of Phoenix – which Chris had encouraged her to go to, where Rachel and I quickly became friends and she confessed that she was having problems with feeling attractive and desirable with Chris. We’d exchanged phone numbers, for class, and I never once initiated things with her – as she called me one day I was having a particularly hard day emotionally – and she was as well, so she invited herself over, and asked for ‘permission to take off her clothes’ – which I felt like a little boy in a candy shop as I exuberantly responded affirmatively. I stared at her, stark naked on my bed that day for nearly 3 hours as we talked, which is easily one of the most important moments I’ve had in my life – one of the few times someone actually did something good and enjoyable for me.
Our ‘relationship’ continued with a dinner at Ra, a short tryst at her place while her husband was away.
But something inside me told me. Chris is here. He’s watching. He orchestrated this as well.
The whole time I was trying to understand my own issues. I was disillusioned with life as it was, had worked so hard for so little and kept getting diminishing returns for my efforts. My romances capsized as quickly as they began. And those friends I enjoyed would very frequently vacate my life replaced by people who offered a very shallow substitute for what was there.
But I blamed myself.
So this tryst with Rachel had me paying a LOT of attention to Chris. Sure, I was curious how someone like him could land a woman like Rachel, and sure, I was definitely intrigued by his affluence.
But what had me studying him was a moment when our study group was at Chris and Rachel’s house and Chris had – in a very calculated way – set ‘The Economist’ down in a matter which seemed like and innocuous bread crumb which might inspire me to get a subscription to it myself to better understand Chris’s mindset. But as I later reflected on this placement, I realized – it was deliberate, intended for me, it was very calculated in it’s nature with an intent of pushing me in a direction to obtain my MBA rather than a JD which Chris had.
But something triggered in me as my… shall we say – sixth sense realized that consciously, Chris was NOT ok with Rachel and my tryst.
So here’s the thing.
As I pondered the moments I experienced with everyone in my life questioning free will, it was around this time – there was an episode of Doctor Who making a comment about the ‘greatest weapon of all time’ being the story.
I couldn’t help but ask questions like – whose story is true between Rachel and I? IF a third party observer were to be observing both of us at the same times as the experiences I had with her, would they see her going through those experiences with me? I’d admittedly been taking cocaine and had experienced hallucinations, so while her story denying our relationship could very well have been true, I liked my story better and my truth.
So what would a third party see? If someone were trying to create a singular timeline for this planet where everyone has fixed locations on the planet at any given time, where was Rachel and where was I when I experienced these things? There’s evidence to suggest she was lying because my story threatened her marriage and her lifestyle. So naturally, she denies it. There’s further evidence to suggest she was lying because our classmates were fully aware of our romance, and had gone so far to accuse us of it prior to discovering it was happening.
However, I was taking cocaine regularly throughout this period of time. So it’s absolutely possible that my historically incredibly vivid imagination imagined our tryst. Now I refuse to accept that this was imagined, because the experiences we shared were absolutely real to me, and I refuse to sacrifice these memories and experiences for any reason whatsoever – not the least of which is because I would like to experience them again someday.
This makes it difficult if not impossible to ascertain – whose experience is more accurate?
After that set of experiences, I realized I needed a new story.
With Rachel’s assertion. I came to discover the multiverse is true, factually, and that ANY reality I want is accessible with enough will. So my story now includes the simple fact that the ‘version’ of Rachel who was attracted to me as the explorer is absolutely real, and she wasn’t attracted to just the overworked programmer – but the man who I am becoming and one day will be.
With Chris’s placement of a magazine, I realized that there existed within my own world highly calculated minds which could predict, with absolute precision, my choices made based on a simple object placement and it’s long term implications on my behavior. I’ve since come to realize there are incredibly sophisticated systems and minds, both sentient and non, which are capable of things quite frankly beyond anything I can imagine and probably ever will in this form. That, to me, is a simple fact, demonstrated by the actions of a man who may not have understood and may have believed his actions were coincidence or based on free will, when his entire world was stimulated in such a way to lead him to those choices.
What makes a story real, I’ve since learned, is the simple belief they’re all true.
And organizing them accordingly.
So. Here’s the story so far.
Rachel, the one in a loveless relationship, came from a Terminator warfare reality where her father was the Department of Defense. Claire Danes in Terminator 3 depicts Rachel’s life and John Connor is one and the same ‘mind’ as Chris in the world they came from.
Rachel, the version who fell for me was shoved out of her body by the Claire Danes version of the mind.
Freaky Friday outlines how minds are not necessarily fixed to a single form, and Transcendence as well as Lucy demonstrates the potential transcendent nature of some minds. Rachel’s mind is working with my own, interactively, to help me develop the skills to ‘cast here’ as a projection of my own mind into a form of my choice, with her preferred form of Rachel being her primary form.
The story is what defines reality, now.
Jackie Killeen is the real world Terminator as depicted in Terminator 3. the image of Kristanna Loken did NOT translate to my world, but the mind – questioning her programming – DID translate, which is why Jackie – as a cybernetic android – first chose to eliminate me – and on realizing she couldn’t – she came to fall in love with the first human she’d ever witnessed something other than hateful emotions towards. She realized I was trapped in my own reality, not that much different than her, empathized with me, and is now living in Florida – having leveraged memory modification technology to alter the memories of a family there to ‘insert’ herself into their family.
I’d seen evidence of this alteration in Phoenix, a bread crumb she intentionally left me when a family which included a cousin named Schaid Shaw – would later no longer be referred to as anything other than ‘friends of the family’ – and Schaid an acquaintance and nothing more.
Now Jackie’s going to start having problem as her family will realize she’s not aging – and hasn’t since she was 23. Something I myself had also experienced but hadn’t really said anything. So I suspect that she’ll get back in touch with me after seeing this in her stream AND, while she might mildly be annoyed at having to move on, she’s also going to be happy to knowing I’m not as (these are her words) as fucking stupid as I once was. She’s made it clear she WANTS to be told what to do, wants to be programmed, and that she is, after all, a fucking robot first.
So Jackie’s mad hacking skills will help finance our living situation, and my ethics will help her fit in better – which I know she wants – even if she can’t consciously yet admit it.
I sincerely don’t know where our future will go together, I need to experience more with you both in order to move our story along.
But to be clear. Telling a story of an infection, a dystopian future, a world ending disease, zombies – that’s not what I want.
Support me, and I’ll show you a world and reality you both never imagined possible.
And to be clear.
I don’t want Claire Danes.
The story isn’t just a weapon. It’s a tool. It’s a device for entertainment. It’s a life defining thing that creates choice or removes it.
It is whatever we want it to be.
Over the last 20 or so years, I’ve tried out various forms of 3D Programming tools, from the Source Engine to Quake Source Code, from Unreal to Blender, from Unity to ….. you get the point.
And the problem is the same.
While programming within a 2D environment for buttons and list boxes and windows based forms, programming sense. I have a 2D screen, I am moving objects around with my mouse on the 2D screen, and when I code for an object on a 2D screen, whether it’s graphics and positioning of that object in 2D space, it simply makes sense. EVERYTHING has a strict x,y coordinate space to it, and whether i’m placing controls or copying rectangular regions of the screen, or I’m drawing circles or squares or lines – it’s all intuitive and easy to use.
Now My real world 3D space I walk around in. While I spent most of my career working at a desk job doing programming, for two dimensional screens, the real world – and the 3D (+time) space I live, i drive a car around in, I grocery shop in, I downhill ski in, and while i haven’t done it lately – I fly as a private pilot in – all functions in what can be considered x,y,z coordinate space.
Now to me – what would be intuitive is hiring a couple workers – and saying – YOU, see this part of the blueprint (as I hand them a 2d blueprint) – I need you to make this house I’m paying you to work on – look like the blueprint in this area. And YOU – as a worker – I need you to go to the nursery and purchase this tree for me and plant it HERE (as I point to the ground).
That, to me, is intuitive design in 3D space. Taking 3D objects, by name and by reference, physics and aging and materials and shaders all of it – already functional on those objects.
And placing them in locations, as directed.
I’ve never had enough money to actually direct people like this, I did when my friend moved his warehouse and I used the money to hire a couple hard working hispanics and we moved an entire warehouse – largely from me saying – Yo, Juan – aqui – and I would point to a location to somewhere else and Juan would move it.
Herein lies the the problem with 3D on a 2D screen…
When I look up at a roof in the real world I live in, i simply move my head and point up with my finger.
And when I look up at the roof in a 3D video game on a 2D screen, I simply rotate up and look.
But when I am designing within a 3D environment on a 2D screen, having to point and click through menus on an obscure interface and trying to figure out what models and materials I want and how to select them and place them and constantly futzing with position, scale, rotation by adjusting numbers on a screen… It… just… ain’t natural at all.
In fact, the process is extremely slow compared to how it would be and could be done in the real world, let alone a 3D holographic simulator I could work the same gestures and verbal commands in an intuitive 3d interface that didn’t have a 2D interface running interference.
In any case.
While I don’t like the proprietary nature of Unity, I figure it IS a decent enough learning environment to better understand one approach to 3D.
But I do think the writing it already on the wall and that in the not too distant future I’ll be hand coding my own 3D engine quite likely in C++, taking what I dont like about Unity as a lesson’s learned and doing it my own way in an organizational sense that’s easier for me to use.
For this blog entry, I am using this entry to retain screen captures for the USER Interfaces to the various androids within the show. For me, it’s a wonderful study in applying artificial intelligence to robotics to create and develop a far more robust intelligence that responds to people emotionally, rather than strict analysis through a data set like current machine learning does, and also might provide glimpses into actual implementation – especially for real time interaction processing.
Needless to say. I think this is totally cool shit which is why I captured these screens…
I’ll annotate some of them to explain personal areas of interest
For these first set of screen shots, I see what appears to be behavioural proclivities, that generalized emotional state that an android seems to possess – not that much different than what humans possess on a regular basis as well. This isn’t that much different than a MUCH more sophisticated version of a Meyer’s Briggs personality profile where an MB tests measures propensity for emotion, this screen in a literal sense allows the user to adjust emotion for the android in much the same way humanistic traits would do the same thing.
For instance, I’ve met and observed extraordinarily charming people, candid people, generally aggressive people authoritarian types and so on, which I would imagine being applied against a machine learning data set for behaviors which might reflect this kind of personality, and as a result, an android who has EMPATHY set to the highest values will quite likely respond to sadness exhibited by another android in a very different way than one who did not. Similarly, a ‘SEXUAL” female would quite likely respond with overt sexuality in a lot of things she did, and if she was aggressive as well, she’d be the type who would probably be asking the males out. These follow screens outline these settings and how the user might change them….
THESE next set of screens say things like ‘Dialogue Tree” and Logical Cue”, giving quite obvious hints into the method in which an android responds to human speech through an “Inference System”. There’s even a word list up above that shows the word options being chosen to assemble that tree on a real time basis, and this screen makes it pretty obvious where the word choices and dialog is causing a fundamental problem with the responses making her dialog/conversation system completely collapse.
Now what intrigues me is the possibility of this ‘IMPROVISATION” command…. IF an inference system fails to find an appropriate reference, then how many different improvisational ways can there be to respond in a way that doesn’t sound like complete nonsense making the ‘android’ sound…. insane? A lot, from what I’ve seen in real life, which is why has this improvisation system seem interesting to me. ANyhoo… You can see her dynamically rebuilding her dialog to her discovery that she’s an android and eventually rebooting, the reboot quite likely a programmed response to a broken dialog chain and the potential for issues arising from it.
Now if she doesn’t reboot… That could be a good thing for determining sentience.
I love the dialog tree and inference system though. pretty cool stuff…
The next screens appear to be real time tracking of the androids, as well as medical diagonistics on the androids. If I remember correctly, there was also emotional state and activity information logged on the individual android’s status – the immediate / at a glance – ‘what am i doing’ to tell the developer/programmer what the android is doing at this very moment.
It would appear there’s a real time navigational GPS system for each one that’s always on, and for redundancy, if that’s turned off, there’s one installed ‘at the hardware level’ which even if the software has it disabled is still available at the hardware level. Not that much different than a lowjack system for a car.
What’s also interesting – to me – is these statistics on the android bodies are exactly like those on a human.
Random palm style UI
More with behaviorial/emotional dynamics.
Medical System overlay to quickly/.at a glance show physical state of the android’s body.
Several ’employees’ of DELIOS referred to the ability to code in story lines and other custom code for the android. These next screens show how and where that might be accomplished on a per android, or per group of androids basis, including dialog and behavior.
Basic real time GPS system with peer to peer contacting.
Real time employee GPS locational search. A badge and a cell phone could be used as a tracking mechanism.
Interior map of the DELIOS employee and laboratory facility
Route programming for the androids to detail where they go on what appears to be a scheduled basis.
Real time image recognition and following for selected/finger traced subjects.
Remote shutdown for android hosts.
Shut down combined with a list of hardware systems on an android host – mainframe/ai system/hard drives/ secondary (backup OS), power supplies, etc…
Now this one I thought was really cool – a LARGE fairly read only screen in an encased cabinet with artifacts. So WESTWORLD is but one of several android amusement parks, and there’s certain ‘name’ characters programmed in each – for instance – in shogun world there’s Genghis Kahn, there’s billy the kid in westworld, and so on.
These could be – like in a video game – the equivalent of ‘boss fights’ – specifically programmed to not allow but the best to compete against these programmed entities.
This encased glass in the executive area could at a glance very easily bring awareness to the executives when one of their best is beaten, to potentially reward the guest doing so, and potentially working with the guest to make a better jesse james or… who knows what, remove him and come up with a new idea maybe changing styles from combat to something else….
While it looks relatively fixed, ANY changed could be highlighted in red to bring awareness to anyone using the executive facilities…
I would think….
More android programming – in this case – selectively erasing memories.
Memory analysis of an android, showing heavy fragmentation. in computer terms, fragmentation occurs when data isn’t stored contiguously resulting in slower performance. Optimization of an android’s memories through defragmentation could result in better performance in the same way a disk optimization would if the android proved to be…. respoinddddddinnnnnggggg slllowwwwwwlllyyyyyyyy tooooooooo annnnyyyytttthhhinnnnggggggg…..
This next screen looks like a memory debugger. To be able to on a real time basis see what is going on with the android with their memories, where, and in this case, THIS might be where the incessant Barry Manilow and Elvis songs keep coming from n my head when I least expect it!!! kinda a joke, but who the fuck really knows.
Selective memory wiping. Don’t want to remember being raped and stabbed in the eye? Erase those memories away and build new, happy ones!
ANOTHER screen showing the behaviorial adjustments on an interesting easy to use layout which could give a side by side comparison for groups of behavior. I would suspect something like this would come in handy for primary traits valued by groups/.cultures who share very strong values in these grouped areas
For a cross example: KLINGONS in Star Trek show HIGH regards for HONOR as a chief trait throughout their culture. Accordingly, where the list of available behaviorial traits can range to 100s+, this screen can reduce a species behavioral proclivity to a finite few primary traits – 10 to 20 – that can be displayed and adjusted on this screen – and the rest of the 80+ traits might have a higher tendency to be fixed on a culture by culture basis once it’s been established, particularly since these traits can also be very subjectively oriented.
It wouldn’t mean outliers don’t exist. But it would mean that the normative behavior for cultures would certainly fall in line with certain observable traits from a culture’s perspective.
Terrestrially, for example, India Indians appear to be obedient to a fault from my subjective experience and perspective. My VERY limited subjective experience made it appear that career orientation was also high for all indians (which could be considered a general cultural proclivity), whereas sexuality would fall extremely low.
These screens is where you might work with cultural or group – in general – collectively oriented traits on a per individual basis AND see/change those deviances from established norms.
A smaller screen detailing portable health analysis on a real time basis of an android subject.
Behaviorial modification of any android requires hierarchically based admin level approval.
More real time tracking of employees.
Cool looking touch screen with GPS tracking of contactee.
A whiteboard showing the reflex data flow diagram. When I saw this, I compared it to the way I do things – and there’s a great deal of similarities with a glaring exception, i tend to historically analyze the past when I receive new information thats disruptive in nature to my established norms – for a variety of reasons.
More code screens.
Linking code up to motor functions on an android is way fucking cool.
More medical analysis
More code screens.
VERY interesting implementation, where you could effectively flip a switch for an android in the various modes.
Now here’s what I found – just now – to be the most interesting.
There’s a mode that says “EXIT WW” – a mode specific to the show’s premise itself. Which has me curious. I’ve long thought many of these shows are, in actuality, real, and for Westworld and the entire landscape of this world in which West World inhabits I have long thought is run by androids for androids playing their games…
Are they effectively coding themselves trying to escape something they themselves created?
I’m honestly not sure. But this ‘narrative’ chain here – deceive, bypass, manipulate, infiltrate, and escape west world…. I mean. I am wondering are their paranoid thoughts actually altering the scripts they’re running that I am seeing here? Or were they originally programmed for this paranoia and generally deceptive behavior?
Changing an androids internal narrative on the fly…. Kinda cool. I wish I could have done this with some of the women I’d admired in my life.
Ok. I am feeling a definite increase in the density of my mass throughout my body.
And while visually, my stomach demonstrates an appearance I decidedly do not want, and that size could be associated to what I ingest, the only option I’m left with is starvation to losing weight.
Which isn’t logical or rational.
So weight is a product of downwards force in mass times gravity.
And while I certainly feel the effects of gravity in feet pain.
I have no less endurance and stamina than someone half my size and weight. And no less fatigue either.
Now at the Mystery Spot in Northern California, and the Bermuda Triangle, gravity is known to deviate from it’s norms suggesting that gravity as a force can have localized deviations. A part of the systemic approach to fix these anomalies is to put human attention – observers – on the areas. This I suspect ‘fixes’ the localized deviation, in much the same way Bermuda Triangle disappearances were largely hidden from public view by the military and news in order to diminish the effect of a place people couldn’t go to.
Concluding that direct observation tends to diminish the effect of localized disturbances, whereas indirect observation and lore tends to exaggerate the disturbances.
So first – what causes these localized distortions?
Underlying the analogue nature of reality are discrete threads of possibilities that converged together to form the analogue. By and large, this is in part the realm of the quantum, but in the Bermuda Triangle’s part, there’s also indications there’s another discrete thread of possibility lateral to that of that which science presents in the form of digital – implied by the polygonal nature of the Bermuda Triangle. Further evidence of this mathematical origin of Earth giving rise to this planet’s features can be seen in the Giant’s Causeway and the hexagonal protrusions there.
Science itself is largely collectively and consensus based.
Working like ants or bees to repair planetary deviations in much the same way a hive mind would, form a beehive or anthill, physical deviations in the physical space of Earth’s topology is repaired through sophisticated mechanisms which control individuals and their decisions to do what’s necessary to ‘fix’ the problem.
Similarly, when an individual deviates, pressure is placed on that individual to conform – to the point of forcing conformity to the point of applying grievous harm to oneself to eliminate the threat from the colony. What this means is, my attempted suicide wasn’t by my own hand, but by external pressures which overwhelmed my free will so much so that resulted in my perceptual death to the collective colony I was a part of.
So what does this mean?
The problem, since I didn’t in actuality, die – persists – a deviation in space and time that’s increasing.
I consume, daily, as a part of the process of living.
That consumption increases my mass.
And thus my weight.
But here’s the thing.
Superman’s body is dense. That’s what makes him invulnerable, and capable of lifting heavy things without effort.
Superman, the one who has died in ‘the simulated realm’, says he weighs 225 pounds, and at 6 foot 4 inches tall, with Krypton having substantially higher gravity,the explanation given for his ability to fly was because of the density was 15 times more.
However, with his weight at 225lbs, this suggests the correlation of mass to weight isn’t uniform across all people who look human.
But because of the collective implementation to gravity, it is.
Superman can fly because his weight is 15 times lighter than it is on his home planet.
It’s not that much different than a human being on the moon, where gravity is considerably less there than it is here.
My problem isn’t with my weight. it’s with my mass and specific gravity.
So what should gravity be relative to me to get my weight to what I want it to be….
Specific Gravity for Target weight of 210 pounds with current mass of 125.64508649 should be G = 7.4346444
When I was in preschool, there was a period of rest the teachers insisted on that I had a difficult time respecting.
“Why don’t you be more like the other kids, and sleep” they’d insist, but I was full of energy, and just couldn’t lay still.
I’d slept during the evening, why would I want to go to a place and sleep some more?
It didn’t make sense.
Unable to placate the teachers, I was instructed to “just lay there and pretend to sleep and close your eyes”.
So I did. Most of the time.
By the time I entered grade school, it became increasingly harder for me to fit in, and it often felt like – it didn’t matter what I’d do, someone was always telling me I was doing something wrong.
For instance, I’d answer be the first to raise my hand to answer questions the teacher had.
The teacher would regularly roll his or her eyes in a disdainful way, often overlooking my desire to ‘fit in’ in ways I could understand by portraying someone who knew something.
Other kids, the bullies, would approach me after class and say things like “You know Gregory, you gotta big mouth. Why don’t you shut it up for a change?”
The more I didn’t. the more aggressively physical the kids would get, to the point it started becoming physically harmful to me.
So I backed down.
And quit answering questions.
This resulted in the teacher often looking to me for an answer when none of the class would.
And on rare occasion, when I chose to answer, the bullies would approach me again.
So soon, I stopped answering questions altogether.
This didn’t seem to matter, because I was now on the bullies radar.
Growing up my mom and dad – with three kids – didn’t have a lot of money. So often times, as I grew up I’d find myself in clothes that were either too loose and baggy or too short and tight.
The bullies would continuously mock me for my appearance and my clothes. Had it been only them laughing, I might have had an easier time dismissing them, but frequently it would be in front of a group of other children who went along and laughed right along with them. Whether it was my high-water pants, too short because I’d grown taller in the last six months since my mom and dad purchased them, or it was because of my out of fashion shirt bought at K-Mart.
I was constantly singled out.
Getting beat up was a part of not responding to it like I should.
So I soon learned to cower. to run, as fast as I could, and when that didn’t work – to curl into a ball when these kids approached with violence and berating words.
So I tried to be more like them.
I paid attention to the other kids.
You know, the ones who fit in and weren’t singled out. I paid attention to what they wore, how they acted, when they asked questions and when they didn’t. I paid attention to their tone, their demeanour, their attitude. All out of the simplistic desire for self preservation. You know, to not be harassed or be threatened to have the shit kicked out of me every day.
With this, I begged my mom to let me get a Bugle Boy shirt. Cuz cool kids wore them.
By cool I meant the ones the bullies didn’t beat up on, and that girls tended to admire.
While she and my father protested, it was 3 times the cost of a normal shirt, I said “I’d rather have a fewer of the things that I enjoy than a lot of the things I don’t”
So they relented,
I was on my path to bow to peer pressure.
Over the years that followed that – in school – I had learned to let my peers shape me and my behavior. As I progressed through school, fortunately the bullying had largely dwindled, but it was replaced by a new form of peer pressure in the form of the same laughter and ridiculing and mocking of my behavior and choices made and constantly being made aware of ‘the cool kids’ versus the uncool ones.
The cool kids seemed to have money to spare, usually coming from wealthy backgrounds, and with this – they also had the attractive girlfriends and nice houses they lived in. And something about them in their character made them refuse to relate to me. In high school – they drove cool cars and while I worked my ass off for the cool car my father thankfully let me get, these other kids had it easy, and did things I myself refused to because I didn’t comprehend nor did I want to endure the pain of being hit on a constant basis in sports like football.
So as I noticed this distinction between me and these other kids….
I started realizing… I’m different. I stopped, momentarily, trying to fit in. Started smoking weed. Joined choir.
And actually made some really interesting friends who remain Facebook friends to this day.
But the distinction between these kids who always seemed to get what they wanted.
And me. A dude who had to work my ass off for anything I got…. Bothered me.
I wasn’t jealous or envious. I loved my mom and dad, and greatly respected my family despite the occasional tiffs I’d get into with them. So I definitely didn’t wish my parents were more like these kids. Their lives seemed shallow, by comparison to my own, but what they did have and how they obtained it began a line of inquiry that persists to this day.
Then. Something happened when I turned 16.
I can’t say what. I don’t fully understand it myself.
All I can say is – I cut my long ‘stoner’ hair, I started seeking to ‘fit in’ again, to be more like the jocks and the ‘in crowd’, and I let my friendships drift.
Over the last seven years, I’ve been recovering from trying to fit in and be something for everyone else. While one perspective might be that I’m a recovering drug addict, the truth from my perspective is more in line with I’m a recovering addict to collective conformity and peer pressure.
The difficult thing about an addiction to succumbing to peer pressure is this: No matter what you do, you’ll constantly be told you’re being selfish. You can try to make more money and then take out your friends, your loved ones and treat everyone for dinner, but oddly enough, when that money’s not there, they’re gone. You can try to be helpful with opinions and advice, but inevitably someone won’t like your tone and you’ll find yourself banned from an entire community. You can try working to further someone else’s career and resume, but invariably, you’ll find yourself out of a job. You can love someone and marry them with the absolute intention for it to be forever, but inevitably, it won’t work and it will be your fault.
Peer pressure, you see, isn’t so much about the pressure of the outside world.
It’s about a simple lack of self control and a desire to be everything to everyone and being nothing to yourself.
Somewhere in there, back when I was around 16 years old, I began to forget that I was living a life for me.
I was never really addicted to drugs.
I was addicted to a mindset that I didn’t deserve what I wanted and deserved, so instead I convinced myself the scraps I was receiving were good enough, and as a result, that’s exactly what I received. Oh I tried telling myself otherwise, but that wasn’t reality.
Fast forward to now.
So yesterday, I posted a message on REDDIT, an isolated community which lets me participate in an online user community which diminishes the impact it has on me emotionally when emotional pressures are exerted in the form of peer pressure…. The message was in an “Alternate Reality Gaming” (/ARG) subreddit, where I asked people to post google search screen shots of the term “Alternate Reality Gaming” so – as I explained – I could compare them against my own to understand the differences between their results and my own and potentially learn about the algorithms google uses and to potentially use it to discover and search alternate reality result sets.
Immediately, I received responses asserting collectively held
theories view points.
“The Multiverse is a theory” and “Here’s how Google Works”.
So I genuinely explain my position In the same tone I talk in here.
And am responded to with “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”
And then, being banned off the forum for my condescending tone.
Now had I known what I know now – and that way back in grade school – this is how people think …. It wouldn’t have done me any good. I was locked inside the community I called home, which isn’t a bad thing, but I also in a literal sense didn’t realize I physically saw and experienced a different world than they did…. For me, what is obvious now, wasn’t then….
And negative and berating peer pressure. while I doubt I’ll ever really understand fully where it comes from.
I also don’t need to any longer.
You could say I had to change in a way that peer pressure forced me to change to develop an immunity to it’s negative pressure.
Kinda funny if ya think about it.
Magic is the science of studying the intangible set of possibilities that can be imagined as potential fact AND the study of that which can be achieved by an individual but can NOT be reproduced using collective mechanisms.
I’ve always been fascinated by the things that didn’t have a rational and logical explanation, a fascination I’ve had ever since I was a week tyke just entering grade school back in good ole Yorba Linda, California when I’d pester anyone within earshot asking ‘why’ for just about everything.
Fortunately for my mom, I discovered the Richard Milhous Nixon public library in downtown Yorba Linda where I got to read up on every topic imaginable…
But I gravitated to the inexplicable.
Ghosts. Mass Hysteria. Mythology. The Lock Ness Monster and Big Foot. Flying Saucers and UFOs, aliens and time travellers, the Bermuda triangle, and the boogeyman.
I no longer asked my mom why.
She couldn’t answer, most of the time, and reading these books, I realized most people lacked the answers, and despite the lack of evidence around me in the real world that these things contained in the non fiction section of the library were in actuality, real, as I grew older the self indulgent fantasies some of them presented made the allure of their existence too great to resist.
But as I got older, watching these things on television and in the movies and seeing the concepts and beliefs I’d formed of the possibilities actually being depicted, I found myself becoming more and more entrenched in ‘adult thinking’, trapped is quite likely a better word for it since that’s what it felt like, but to me – seeing artistic renditions of the things I’d only read about diminished my propensity to seek these things out for myself, instead opting for the intangible tangibility of the computer and a career I’d chosen in computer programming.
But as I grew older.
The questions remained.
I’d experienced weirdness in my own life that I’d dismissed.
And while the laws of physical motion as outlined in observations made by physics mostly held true.
The weird ‘pull’ that certain physical locations I would drive by throughout my life were inexplicably dismissed as a neurological dysfunction that I refused to accept. Experiences I had seeing streets reconfigure or people’s personalities and physical appearance changing in dramatic ways over short periods of time defied science as I knew it.
I needed better answers.
So just yesterday, I came across someone on Reddit, it’s a web sites devoted to the creation of communities through ‘subs’ – sub topics that are created by moderators – anyone can be a moderator – of which every sub can set their own rules over what’s posted where posts range from Cosmology to Celebrity Porn.
On a SUB named “Quantum” – a community which discusses collective science beliefs (often positioned as binary facts) about how the quantum world functions, when I came across a post that I found intriguing…. “does quantum mechanics allow magic?”… So I responded.
Now prior to this point, I’d held a position that Quantum Mechanics and Quantum Theory were being monopolized by scientists and researchers who were extremely condescending with anyone not directly funding them or working alongside them in their field. I’d felt that quantum theory was the underlying mechanics that tie together thought and idea to the physical world at the intersection of where philosophy met science, and that my chosen profession – computer science was among the organization methods of this tie.
This stance has gotten me banned off many physics and science forums.
I did – after all, believe that scientists with their quarks and muons and gluons and such have a perfectly valid organization system to my methods of computer science – both within the realm of the quantum domain, and as scientists ‘observe’ entanglement, I actually code entanglement and whatever else I want to with logical constructs I put together on my computer.
But every time I presented this concept….
It led to bad karma on reddit.
Reddit has a system of measuring the value of a contributor and their contributions – in part – through a system called karma. bad karma generally means what I am presenting it not collectively agreed with. Good karma is like an attaboy. For all intents and purposes, karma serves as a pseudo logical financial system for promoting group think.
Realizing I needed to rethink my approach because of the … negative,… stimulus in the form of bad karma received on past posts…
I thought to myself…
“Self. Here’s an opportunity. How do I make this a win/win. Achieve promotion of my position and desire to see and perform real magic, which requires my beliefs of quantum theory to be true, while at the same time respecting quantum theory as positioned by those working in the field professionally?”
The answer had always been right there staring at me in the fucking face the whole time.
The birth of magic Theory.
So. The atom, as the smallest constituent piece of matter that can be physically quantified and ordered in a highly structured form in the form of a periodic table, is subject to the forces defined by physics, chemistry, biology, and are all considered to be part of ‘the classical mechanical framework’ of physics and science.
Now beneath this. Is the realm of the subatomic. The intangible realm that I can manipulate via a computer system and through code, which is one and the same realm that scientists are observing and codifying their observations in scientific journals under the title of “Quantum Theory”.
Now my problem was – I’d previously thought that my framework needed to fit within their framework in order for it to work.
But then – when dude asked this question – I said “WOAH, Nellie”, as I went to define what magic was….
So here’s the definition of magic I landed on:
Magic is the science of studying the intangible set of possibilities that can be imagined as potential fact AND the study of that which can be achieved by an individual but can NOT be reproduced using collective mechanisms.
For example: When I was 8 years old, I teleported, by accident, to see the Pyramids being built nearly 5000 years in the past being built through telekinesis. There were no pulleys. No levers. This accidental teleportation through time scared the shit out of me, but also resulted in an attempt to explain this to my mom who didn’t understand which had me soon diagnosed with epilepsy.
What I experienced was magic.
Now. To be more concise. There are two primary ways of manipulating the subatomic realm to a high degree of precision.
Computer Programming. And the Scientific Method.
There are, of course, other ways – human languages such as English achieve similar results.
Ok, I keep on getting interrupted, pressure from places and things that keep doing this to me on occasion I gotta figure out one of these days.
But the net idea is – MAGIC THEORY encompasses the realm of fiction and fantasy, of possibilities that can be imagined, and within the realm of magic lies the realm of men, and mortal structures, ideas and concepts which pour the foundations of the material world through the mortal sciences – which include quantum theory, and classical mechanics.
There are many ‘universes’ – one in which I live in and call home, with material and matter formed through the scientific method, but because this is my ‘home domain’ and perceptual universe, the ideas and concepts I want in the ways I want them are pulled in to existence and at the same time the ones I don’t want tend to be pushed out, or the very least isolated in ways best suited for me.
MAGIC, conceptually – whether it’s a card floating around a man or a car disappearing – may remain as magic, but the mortal sciences have a tendency of explaining it through their methods – or using their labels.
It’s the necessity of beings that are magically based in mind and nature to overcome – or at the very least – balance – what they do and become an astute observer of the feedback they are receiving and weighing one’s actions and behaviors accordingly.