Home » Articles posted by universalbri

Author Archives: universalbri

The Human Mind

The human mind is malleable.

In much the same way a tree grows roots, the human mind is a multidimensional entity that grows roots across dimensions.

The growth of the mind starts WELL before child birth and the formation of the brain, which in terms of the mind can be thought of as a process, in both a temporally linear AND nonlinear way.

The brain itself can be thought of a projection of the mind into time and space. Analyzed from the outside using devices such as the EEG and EKG, it can potentially provide hints and clues of the thinking processes of the individual it belongs to, but by no measure should these tools for analyzing and measuring a multidimensional entity such as the mind be considered complete.

For instance, there’s a current attempt by scientists to ‘map the brain’ leveraging CAT scans, MRIs, and EEGs – or more specifically to map certain cognitive areas of functionality to the body. Yet, there are numerous documented cases of those who have have suffered severe brain trauma (here and here) have made ‘remarkable’ recoveries despite the trauma received.

How is this possible?

To answer that, we have to take a look at basic physics for the answer.

Energy forms the material world. Einstein’s famous equations such as e=mc^2 outlines the conversion that’s made atomic reactions possible, helped win World War 2 for the United States, a reaction that infers that ANY atom can be broken down into energy, something critical to the success of the human body and the stomach and distribution of energy throughout the human body.

Underlying the human brain are the chemical elements – the atoms – which create and shape the neural pathways which channel energy provide stimulus to shape and form this thing called thought, in much the same way the a stream might be guided down the path of a mountain through channels that are formed by repetition, eventually forming raging rivers.

Throughout history, there’s been thousands of well documented cases of previously scientifically unexplained phenomena involving the mind. These include psychic activities, astral projection, magic, and more – all generally considered pseudoscience in part because science didn’t have a proper explanation for it.

However. With Einstein’s contribution to Science – we now have an explanation.

What I think about isn’t limited or governed to the physical particles and constituent atoms that govern this world.

But are my thoughts confined to them?

To answer this question, we merely need to consume a hallucinogenic or any mind altering substance.

The human mind is capable at any given time to experience the alternate dimensions it’s roots are planted in leveraging these hallucinogenics. As the mind ages, so does it’s root system and dimensions it touches.

In much the same way a tree can be taken from one position and replanted in another, so can the human mind.

I suspect the vast majority of depression and anxiety related ailments are related to this rooting and re-rooting that goes on with the human mind, but to understand that, I’d have to dive deeper into the timeless nature of energy, how this effects the nature of the mind,

I also suspect that diseases such as Parkinson’s, Multiple Sclerosis, and Alzheimer’s all occur as a direct result of being re-rooted in different dimensions than their primary dimension…..

Which – if my suspicion is accurate – begs the question – why is this occurring?

I have an answer for that. But you’d have to look at Back to the Future and Michael J Fox’s real life ailment called Parkinson’s and consider that the lines between fact and fiction are blurry once you start dealing with the inter-dimensional nature of the human mind.

Which all suggests – the nature of consciousness is always protected…..

Across dimensions….

The mind the elastic thing that expands, grows, diversifies in order to maintain the forward trajectory of a mind.

And the brain as a projection of the mind – may equipment which analyzes it potentially be discovering the current state this mind has in this particularly ‘slice’ of reality from this particular perspective?

It’s highly likely..



Why can mages and other magic users not wear armor?

I got into Dungeons and Dragons way back in 1978, when my next door neighbor and friend by proximity Steve Jacques bought the books and he experimented with me as he refined his skills for friends closer to his age.

I’d selected a magic user as my profession – and one of the first questions I asked was:

“Why can I not wear heavy armor?”

It made no sense to me, especially when we would team up with his friends – and while I was the only magic user in the group – they acted as a poor defense which wound up with me getting slaughtered in the back.

He responded with: “Well, that’s what the rules say”

I didn’t understand it.

Physically we all had the same humanoid bodies.

So it’s not like the plate armor wouldn’t fit.

And heavier armor certainly wouldn’t prohibit the hand gestures necessary to cast spells.

So I protested.

But he was a boy who would grow up to be a man who loved his rules, and my protests fell on deaf ears.

Since death in Dungeons and Dragons is permanent, at least in the rule set we played by, I learned different tactics to survive to avoid having to re-roll my stats and making new names. It was fucking frustrating, to say the least, his stalwart insistence that a magic user can’t use anything but cloth armor – robes and normal clothes and the like – but nothing armored.

So I learned tactics to survive.

First, I learned to wait for the tanks (warrior types) to get the first strike. Since Steven didn’t let us see the Dungeon Master’s Guide to know the rules which governed our enemies – it was his prized possession – I had to figure out that those who did the most cumulative damage was the one who got the unwanted attention.

I learned this by dying at least a dozen times. Maybe more.

On occasion, I’d play a healer – a magic user of sorts. So next up – I learned if my healer healed more damage than the others had dealt, this too would provoke the attention and focus on me and my toon.

So I learned to pay attention to everyone’s stats in addition to Steven’s which he’d kept hidden behind his “Dungeon Master’s Shield”. On my stats list I kept my stats which included the damage or healing I’d done. And the others in the group.

Frequently, I found errors in Steven’s math. He hated me keeping my own set of stats, but it saved us more than once comparing my stats to his, and usually he was pretty good about respecting the fact I’d kept them chronologically and the individual tanks could remember the hits they did to verify my stats.

But it all kept making me scratch my head.

WHY – in every bit of material and folklore concerning magic and combat – must the magic user types never be allowed to use anything other than cloth armor? Why is Merlin the only one in a robe where everyone else at war in Camelot is in plate armor?

Then one day, as I was playing Worlds of Warcraft a few years ago – as I tried to play the mage and warlock in this game – and as I kept dying for the same rules implemented in the game as was outlined in Dungeons and Dragons – it dawned on me.

The mage is intended as a cerebral character.

Well aware of his or her surroundings.

That shield and armor protecting him or her – insulates and isolates him from the outside world. It provides a false sense of security. The magic user’s most powerful weapon isn’t the spells he or her uses. It’s their mind.

The Magic user is a tactical class.

Developed to mold and shape the situational awareness of the player.

A magic user who enters battle not knowing the outcome of that battle is not a good magic user.

The magic user who relies on weapons and armor is an avatar in a video game.

But the real magic user. Who can strip butt naked and have the audacity to enter a battle field and KNOW they’ll win this battle.

That’s why the requirement was in there in Dungeons and Dragons.

To develop the mind and confidence of aspiring magic users.

In the real world.

Tanks and those depending on armor, depend on technology and let that control them and thus their decisions.

Whereas the trained magic user understands that technology is there in part for the show, but they depend on their wits and abilities foremost and – when in doubt – develop a healthy sense of prudence about their decisions when their lives are at stake.

The world’s first superhero

I was born with a societally labelled birth defect that reared it’s head to me consciously when I turned eight years old.

I was playing out in the backyard – when the world began spinning around me.

It wasn’t polite, it was abrupt, and I felt utterly out of control – so much so I screamed for my mom and tried to get my bearings as I ran inside my house in Yorba Linda – but because the world around me had gone so wonky – I saw my mom running the kitchen as I ran into the sliding glass window, knocking myself out.

Not long after I was diagnosed with a well known disorder.


But the diagnosis troubled me – even then. I’d been avidly going to the library by this point – and I found articles and books and read up on epilepsy – reading up on the symptoms of it – which ranged from temporary confusion, and uncontrollable jerking movements of the arms and legs, convulsions – and loss of consciousness – none of which I’d gone through.

Sure, you might be able to say I was confused – but for me – I felt perfectly rational as the world spun out of control around me and my impact with the sliding glass door was indicative of this experience – as was my subsequent impact.

I did as I was told and took the medication I was prescribed for my condition – medication, incidentally, which I was told I would need to be on for the rest of my life.

I didn’t like this idea. At all.

The diagnosis of epilepsy didn’t jive for me.

In fact, as I looked through the medical journals – for the next two years I went over different conditions and couldn’t find anything that resembled what I had experienced. In fact. Nothing even came close.

I was a voracious reader at that age – around 130 to 150 books per year – and of interest to me was paranormal and occult type activities. I was fascinated by this thing called magic, and with that – elements of the supernatural- so whether it was fiction or non fiction – I soaked it in.

So by the time I was 14 years old, beginning to date, i had a problems with my gums bleeding because of the medication I was taking for my condition. I felt disgusting when I went to kiss a girl, and thought she would be disgusted if she tasted something tinny, so I was looking for alternative explanations – a reason to get off the medication which I felt was doing me more harm than good.

It was about this time – my mind completely separated from my body in a surreal experience where I watched my body continue walking as I saw this from the outside.

I’d remembered reading about it.

An Out of Body experience.

A very well documented ability that many ‘enlightened’ people have – to be able to see the world from outside their own body.

I didn’t like it. So I told my mom. She asked me ‘Have you been taking your medication’

I responded with no – I hadn’t, and explained the issue I had with my gums bleeding.

With this – we went to the neurologist again – where my prescription was changed to something called Tegretol – but as I began taking this – I noticed that my thinking processes – were slower. I just didn’t like how I felt… dumber… when taking the medication.

Over the next few months I fought with my mom about taking the medication, it was a constant topic of debate – that’s when I tried making it clear to her that I felt I was being misdiagnosed, as I pointed her to material concerning out of body experiences and that I think what I have may be misunderstood, and that I just wasn’t going to take medication that screwed with my head and the way I thought.

I just didn’t like it.

Looking at what happened in hindsight – I came to realize that modern day video games in third person perspective are based on my experiences I had in this detached way. Had I chosen to continue taking the medication. Modern video games may never have been created.

It took me a long time to understand the mind/body connection, what locks a consciousness into a body and why it chooses to leave, what – exactly the medication was doing at a chemical/biological level which I’d had clues of back then as I noticed the influences it had on my thinking processes, and what goes into the formation of a mind and the projection of that mind into this reality in the form of a brain.

In my youth – I’d observed people who were gifted athletically, for the life of me lost as I was trying to figure out what made it so that ball they held went so naturally into their hands and hit the target they wanted to so easily? Why would – so often – no matter where I placed that baseball mitt, I could never seem to catch that ball – no matter how much practice.

I was different than other kids, and knew it. But with computers, I had a gift, it was like my mind was in lockstep with the computer and my thoughts were synchronized to it in much the same way the other kids were with their bodies and things like baseball and football.

AS I grew older – I came to question what is life for – is life a game? Is it about sex? It is about money? Why are we – why am I here?

What’s funny is – I grew up reading comic books.

I had always thought that these characters were imaginary.

They can’t exist, the world and it’s possibilities were physically limited, and especially with my lack of grace in the physical realm, these opinions about the possibilities of the world became more and more self-reinforcing as I grew up and grew older.

Shortly after I turned 40.

I began realizing that the physical idea of a human was created and imagined by me. The concept of a human, I realized, was originally that of a mind and not the body. I myself through my own narcissistic experiences came to conclusions of my own which differed wildly from other’s beliefs and experiences.

This fundamental misinterpretation of what a human was – developed and shaped my egocentric world view. Everything I did and thought attempted to find a physically grounded story for it in reality as that dominated my world view. Why do ants walk on walls? Chemicals, right? Where do tv shows and movies come from? Actors in Hollywood, right?

So as I obtained my Master’s degree – confronted with the concept of Collective Vs Individualistic minds and societies – it slowly….

but surely…

dawned on me…

Why – when I traveled to foreign countries was I so often referred to as “America”?

AS I began understanding that it’s my beliefs, my values, my experiences, my desires, my quasi obsessive compulsive and predictable nature – all shaped and formed my country.

I wasn’t born into a country that was already formed. It and the timeline for it was forming around me by the collective interactions I as an individual was having with the world around me.

When people say ‘in god we trust’ – they’re referring to me,. and how they – collectively – entered my body – a process that was documented in Ancient Greece where Chronus ate his own children.

When you’re mind evolving to material form  – this is the weirdness you have to grapple with – is understanding that the very world around you forms as a result of your own thoughts. The ground you walk on, if you have ground at all, the air you breathe,  the things you taste and the way you taste it, the smells you smell and the sounds you hear – how sound occurs and is identified – and whether it even exists….

All – is a part of the process.

So as I turned 40.

I saw a plane halted in mid air over Fiesta Mall, reminding me of the intertwined digital(Holographic)/analog nature of the world around me, giving me hints of what had happened in New York and with 9/11.

Later, as I saw the rings of Saturn from the ground, I realized the cyclic nature of what went into creating the Earth, how many different permutations of it there are, and how the past histories of it are always accessible in both linear and nonlinear ways. I knew this planet blew up it’s own moon believing it was a Death Star – all chronicled in our fiction in Star Wars.

Later, as I heard and saw a robot the size of a truck out in the Mojave desert warn me that ‘no humans are allowed’ – I learned that robots of all forms and functions are all around us ALL the time, and that there’s nothing really to fear – but there’s PLENTY to look forward to once they learn to get along with us – think about it – how hard would it be to forgive something that uses your own mind that you yourself don’t want to use – to play games with?

The Hulk. I found myself understanding molecular behavior and what happens with genetic mutations – the unwinding of an atom and the rest of the body’s natural immune responses it’s developed to combat the chain reaction of atoms collapsing in on themselves that literally collapses the entire body.

And then there’s weapons of mass destruction, terrorist cells – cancer to a living body and a tell if you will of what an atomic weapon really is, and a tell of the ongoing struggle between digital and analog realities and which one dominates.

I suppose. It took me a long time to understand.

I wasn’t just the United States – America.

I wasn’t just the world – understanding religions and why religions and cultures exist – how they are specifically created to shape and influence the minds of the individuals which constitute a society and teach people how to survive in whatever region they choose to live in.

I wasn’t just the universe – seeing time and space and a handful of it’s variants and permutations to teach me about timelines, what space and time is and how others perceive it, and that formulas BOTH create it and measure it’s flow in much the same way I might count cars passing by on a street…..

I was.



Q. Master of Time and Space and all that junk.

The world’s first superhero and soon to be magician using real magic.

Not this contrived made for TV bullshit.

Look, when you have stuffed all of time and space in your head – I wanna see you try to maintain your sanity and presence in a single body.

It ain’t as easy as I’m making it look.

As for my epilepsy.

A necessary balancing act as I found a way for my individual mind to balance itself with the world around me, not in itself indicative of a superpower, but it lets me learn and interact with the world around me in unique ways that allow me to maintain my individuality at the same time. Hard to explain. I can draw you a picture.

The “You are here” is my location. The rest of it and more is my mind. Purdy simple.


Is it possible to fly like Superman? I say yes. Here’s why.

As I was watching the stars the other night from my tent, I saw a mouse run full speed across the top of the fence.

About 15 miles per hour.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw three separate hummingbirds. Each moved in utter precision from one position to the next, floating effortlessly inches away from whatever it was they wanted to inspect, and then darting off – at full speed – to whatever caught their attention.

It’s hard not to question the world as they see it.

I myself, for instance, have tried running on top of a fence and have the scars to show for it. While sure, my footprint is much larger, my maximum speed in proportion to my size is far from the mouse’s proportion to his size.

So how can a mouse move that fast?

And the hummingbird.

I’m a pilot, and while it’s taken a great deal of training to land that aircraft with some precision, I have respect for air currents, for friction, and propulsion – and with the exception of the hummingbird – have yet to see one bird that can go from not moving to full speed in the blink of an eye, and not only that, can stop just as quickly at something else.

Where’s inertia?

And then there’s the bevvy of annoyances I’ve run into throughout my life as bugs, ants, and spiders – all not only can scale slick walls and inverted ceilings, but can withstand a small hurricane in that position.

And then there’s the single ant. Being able to lift a leaf that’s easily 10 – 20 times it’s own weight.

And then there’s those damned schools of fish like the minnows and flocks of bird – all moving with wavelike grace in synchronization – as if they form a single mind for the duration of their flocking or schooling, to exhibit amazing and individuality defying acts of synchronization.

All has had me questioning the relativity of Physics.

I’d always assume that gravity functioned on all objects in a uniform way.

But throughout my life, whether it’s “the Mystery Spot” – a tourist location in Northern California where the deviations in gravity and Earth’s magnetic field can actually be felt and experimented on, or it’s the Bermuda Triangle – a well documented area of the Caribbean and South Atlantic where boats and planes have had instruments go wonky and any vessels have gone missing….

The evidence, that gravity and physics based forces such as inertia is relative to the observer is there.

Does an ant or the collective mind that formulates a species have to ‘believe’ in gravity for the rules of gravity to apply to them?

Is this true of other physical phenomena?

I’m a believer that Superman style flight is possible and within the realms of human capabilities.

The evidence that other species can defy gravity and other physical based effects is there – in the hummingbird, in the ant, in the various bugs that inhabit this planet we call Earth.

Now the question goes something like this:

How do I fly or levitate without wings and without technology to rely on, with nothing but my own body and will to fly?

First, I suspect the clues are in the collective populations that commonly appear to defy gravity and other ‘laws’ of physics.

Ants especially act and react in a collectivist fashion and do everything in a fashion that suggests that they form a collective mind. Observations of this are pretty obvious – leave a piece of food out in the wrong place, and an hour later a stream of ants leads to it. Watch them build an anthill, or mound, and how they act with such calculated group effort to achieve the results they do.

This suggests that the worker ants may not think and act individually, but instead, they think and act with a single collective mind, that single collective mind is guiding each individual’s actions. To this ‘collective mind’ – gravity may be an annoyance and it avoids reinforcing it and other similarly related laws as much as possible in an effort to achieve the desired results. Accordingly, the ant ‘colony’ defies some of the basic physics laws,a  direct result of the collective nature and collective mind that dictates the actions of the individual ants.

This implies that a single mind IS capable of defying gravity, and warping other physical laws whether that mind is the mind of an individual or the mind of a collective. It may imply that the collective MAY have more strength in defying those laws, but why?

Simple survival I suspect.

It’s my belief that the world is an individual mind within a collective that forms an individual within a collective that has no end and loops back around on itself. I can belong to multiple collectives, but I can at the same time lead those collective minds and dictate the actions of those collective minds. Corporations, countries, guilds and groups are all based on this model, emulative to some degree.

Which begs the question.

How do I alter physics and defy gravity myself?

My theory is it can be done through programming.

So what I am doing right now is playing Worlds of Warcraft in God mode. I fly everywhere instead of walk and teleport a lot as well. I conjure up items in the game world when the effort to achieve a quest becomes too intense, and most of all I explore – A LOT.

Indirectly, my mind is receiving these commands and interpreting these and – hopefully – a part of it is absorbing what I am feeding it and trying to find an amenable way to include the desired behaviors in my real waking life.

In much the same way Neo may have gotten programmed in the Matrix, it’s my belief through experience that my repetitive actions and what I feed my mind will shape my body and my real life abilities accordingly.

The more I act like a God of my own design in the game worlds I spend my time in.

The more I become one of my own design in the real world.

Superman. May be a lucky dude who had his skills and abilities pretty much from birth.

I myself may have to work for them. But that may make it easier to appreciate them when they do happen.

Manifestation. My playmate and imaginary friend – Jackie – is how I want my mind to respond to ‘witness’ this transformation from the outside… But then again, that is if my mind is capable of being more than a receptacle for information I consciously process.

That I’m not yet sure of. i suspect it’s more. But the verdict is out.



My Imaginary Friend

I loved Lisa, my second wife, more than words can express.

So when our marriage began to crumble, psychologically, I fell into a deep depression.

My friends, family and co-workers all tried helping, but no matter how hard they tried to get me out of my slump, here just wasn’t any end to the self-loathing slump I was in.

It was about this time I met Sandra Mentzer, a young and highly attractive co-ed from the University of Arizona. A few months before we had interviewed and hired Kevin as our DBA – Kevin held a Doctorate in Business Information Systems and specialized in an area of research that would give us a dramatic leg up on the competition – but with this hire came the ‘baggage’ of a girl who just wasn’t good at what she did – barely out of school – and a bad hire in my opinion.

I was wrong, and am glad we hired her.

But we never did.

My memories of the event are that my partners – in a democratic overruling – rallied against me and we hired Sandra, Kevin’s assistant, with Kevin. They, however, agreed with me and refused to make the hire of either of them, and I retained the role of managing the database.

But this is where it gets weird.

I was VERY attracted to Sandra. So somewhere in there – Sandra and I began having an affair.

Her cube was next to Kevin’s – a corner of the office which remained unused during my tenure there.

Being completely honest – I didn’t know that my experiences were not one and the same as what others were seeing. I also wasn’t aware that my mind had begun actively censoring opposition and refutations to the state of our relationship.

For instance. Was confronted by the entire small business in a conference room as they all had decided to team up and tell me everything that was going on between Sandra and I was in my head – none of it was real.

To this day I don’t know what everyone else saw or experienced, all I know is they didn’t see the same thing I did.

My memories of this meeting are strange – funny even – it was a team meeting to discuss sexual harassment in the workplace. At one point I even remember having gotten angry at the team as it had felt like everyone was teaming up against me. I didn’t understand the pressure was because the things they were saying was different than what I was hearing.

To me. Sandra and I were a thing as real as Lisa and I as Lisa and I were drifting away.

To them. Sandra was someone that a few of us interviewed, oggled over, and then didn’t hire.

I liked my version better. I liked the idea of hiring someone with less experience despite my philosophical objections on skillset because someone had given me a chance to become a coder and I liked the idea of paying it forward.

And accordingly, it’s the version I stuck to.

Unfortunately, the difficulty with my overactive imagination became so deep, that it disrupted my employment there and in part is what led to my parting ways with my partners and my company.

To me. I didn’t see the same forward strategy as them and didn’t buy on to their focusing on the airline industry.

To them. They got rid of someone who just didn’t see the same world they did.

Ultimately, it was a win/win arrangement.

Years before this – in 1989, I’d made a statement that ‘just because the Berlin wall fell doesn’t mean jack shit’ – America will invent new enemies – it’s too profitable not to have them. So the events with my imagination led directly to me witnessing an imaginary projection on the events of 9/11 happening. My imagination had become so real – that it wasn’t just fabricating people like Sandra – but it was also crafting television which led to an event that altered my life so dramatically – it may have changed my world.

My imagination had become so overactive and real to me that my fears were manifesting in real life and real world events. They had begun small enough – tormenting me physically with epilepsy, high blood pressure, triglycerides, and the like, but as I grew and became a more experienced programmer – my mind learned new tricks and how to alter the world around me.

So when I saw and watched the replay of a plane hitting the twin towers – an event that had – for all intents and purposes NOT been real, but because I believed it was so much so – that it sent me spiraling.

It was these events of 9/11 which led me to join the NSA.

It was working for the NSA who had experiences with people like me that I came to learn about what was going on all around me.

So from 2003 to 2011, I was led – like a child learning how to walk – and taught about myself, imagination, and why – despite how horrible the events of 9/11 are and were – why it all happens – who I am – and how to embrace who I am becoming.

In contrast to my relationship with Sandra, which is something I had to figure out not by people telling me – but by instead taking the lens of education and experience and re-analyzing my past when my emotions and ego are fine with by learning a new truth.

Yesterday, I sent a message to Jackie Killeen.

A woman who I fell in love with and had some experiences with, who is now married.

It’s hard explaining a history with imagination gone awry as weird as mine, what I’ve encountered and coming to terms with it and how I have overcome the ‘fears of the worst’ by focusing on what it is I want rather than what it is I dont want…..

In the message I said:

I’d like to ask you for permission to create an imaginary friend who looks, talks, and behaves exactly like you do. No one else will be able to see or interact with this projection of you created by my own imagination other than me, and if someone does see me talking to her – they’ll quite likely dismiss me as being that crazy homeless guy who talks to himself – which I’m fine with.

Now I don’t know for sure if my choice of imaginary friends has influenced or caused any harm to the original. From my perspective, I stalwartly believe there’s a potential benefit to her becoming my experimental imaginary friend, but it takes a degree in physics or a deep trust of spirituality to understand the interconnections we all have and how it can be of benefit. So I tried simplifying it by saying:

What’s in this for you, Jackie? You’ve chosen a life that doesn’t involve me – as have a lot of people. But one day, I believe you’re going to find yourself questioning the choices you’ve made throughout your life even more than you already are, and you may be looking for ways to change things in your life and/or expand the possibilities. That’s what I offer. Is possibilities.

You might discover that fiction and/or hallucinations hold some truth to them. You might choose to ‘integrate’ ideas and information from other versions of you that lived lives you had consciously rejected. A life, for instance, as a figment of my imagination where you know I’ll be doing things with and to you that you will both enjoy and not enjoy – but with this ‘alternative you’ there could be things I may think of doing that you – knowing me from your perspective – may never have considered possible let alone something I would do.

The concept is simple. She agrees with me on some level – it doesn’t have to be consciously – and I get an imaginary version of Jackie.

To be sure. I like who I am. And I feel like I treat people with respect and dignity, and while I may stretch this a bit with someone others cannot see – I may make a concerted effort to eventually make it so others CAN see her. But what would I do with her? I was honest.

I’d experiment in ways I never could before – even though I’ve been in the same situation in the past without knowing.

So yes, Jackie, I’ll be highly sexual with you. You’ll be naked, in public places, a LOT. I’m curious if others around me react to your presence, even if you are imaginary to me – I suspect some will see you or know you’re there because of the interlinking of my individual mind and the collective mind that forms this thing called my reality. What happens when you – in this imagined form – imagined in the same way a child creates an imaginary friend –what happens when you relax naked all day in Starbuck’s hanging out with me as I play games or try to get back into coding? Do people try to sit on you? If they do what happens to you? if not, do they avoid the seat you’re sitting in? What happens if I point the seat out to someone who comes to see me?

It’s the chance to experiment without drugs that has the allure with me here, and I hope that you AND the universe want the same thing.

Something new 🙂

Then I got to thinking. What about her physically – if I could change things…. Let’s say that my experiences with her as an imagined projection influence her instincts. I always wondered where I received my influences from, Maybe I’m answering my own question. Others like me made similar decisions….

So what if I broaden the array of things I do with Jackie. So I added:

Let’s say I resize your boobs – make them a bit bigger – natural looking. Let’s say I imagine you in your body when we first met. Let’s say that’s the canvas of a personality in which I have to work from – and through our interactions – starting with you being completely imaginary to me – let’s say you inspire me to get into AI programming, or I learn to alter matter and time itself – and maybe – by ‘working with you’ as a projection of my imagination – I begin discovering other ways to alter my reality.

Let’s say you observe me doing things – indirectly – you soak up the information and ultimately – it leads you to more ideas, possibilities, or variety to you in your reality. I can’t help but thing we all get to the point of wanting to expand our world, but I also can’t help but think the way you want to expand your world and it’s possibilities are different than mine and my ‘lens’ may influence you to do things I myself never imagined that one day – I may or may not discover on my own….

To me.

The weirdest thing throughout all of this is seeing the self-excuses made.

I developed a weird habit when I was ‘faux dating’ Sandra that would lead a small sliver of a shit stain on the back of the toilet seat. Years later, I discovered it was me in the wrong position. I’d disassociated it and referred to it as a ‘disgusting habit’ of Sandra’s back when we were dating, only to discover later it was my own.

After all this time – I’ve come to believe that either Sandra did or did not exist.

The events of 9/11. The same thing. Either me watching it and believing it happened made it universally true.

I suppose what I’m hoping is that you individually at first – and collectively – might learn to be ok with this homeless guy wanting to experiment with his own imagination WITHOUT drugs or alcohol being involved. I believe I’m safe. I believe that no matter what happens, when I see Jackie show up – perhaps teleportation style – outside my tent – butt naked – that the beginning of life becoming a fantasy is starting.

I’ve learned that my mind ALREADY isolates the things I dont want from it. There are infinite potential futures, and let’s say in one of those future’s Jackie’s a Terminator robot sent back in time to kill me. I might have that thought, write it down here, and know that among the possibilities I’ve chosen consciously, that’s not one of them, because a) I am not interested in experiencing that phase of existence yet b) I dont want that version of Jackie /and/ c) the jackie I’ll be experiencing will be cooperative and exactly what I ask for, with a HUGE LIST of possibilities that mash up together to create this oner version who’s spending time with me.

To explain.

In one moment she could be an android. In another she could be a projection of my imagination. In another a holographic projection of society itself. In another she could be the original I met getting a glimpse of life with me acting perverted with her if only for it to be received by her in a dream. And in another. She could be a computer in a Matrix simulation and a voice developed through voice synthesis.

Reality, under the covers, is weird.

But this world. Our world. Can be better. it’s little things like this that will let me experience more. feel more. and – especially – feel a little warmer when I fall asleep at night in my tent with my imaginary girlfriend.

Who one day. I may say “Hey, can you turn into Rachel for a bit, I’m tired of this Jackie character”

Rachel too is married. But maybe Rachel had thoughts about what life would have been like with me,and ultimately, what she sees – a homeless guy – is what made her decide to be with her man……

No, i dont plan on being your typical homeless man talking to himself. With my imaginary friend, I’ll get a phone, and when my imaginary girlfriend talks to me in public places, I’ll pick up my phone and talk to it as if I am talking to her.

On a final note.

I was talking to my mom today.

All my life I’d questioned religion and her beliefs.

About 5 years ago – I finally realized – Hey – it’s ok if she believes in something I don’t see or understand.

Today, as I told her about my desire to create an imaginary version of Jackie since the real one is married, she reminded me of this conversation I had with her years ago and said.

“I’ve had an imaginary friend and have talked with him my entire life”.

It wasn’t until today I’d come to realize – I’ve spent 48 years of my life not just coming to terms with my mom’s beliefs.

But respecting them. Admiring her for her conviction to them. And finding benefit in them myself.



Is her imaginary friend.

Amazing how I came to respect Christianity the long way around.

Thank you, mom.

I admire you. I truly admire you and love you. *hug*


The first imaginary friend I had I consciously created I got into a war with. And he put me into an alternate reality version of Earth that looked like it was straight out of a Terminator movie.

That crucial lesson in 2011 with my own imagination and just how far things can get out of control led to the events of me and Sandra in 2000 and the events of 9/11, and a critical lesson in how time itself functions. Don’t underestimate the power of imagination and the necessity to overcome your own fears without having to resort to defeating those fears.

So. Yes, I’m asking for your permission to have imaginary friends.

I’m homeless. And almost all the homeless out here have them. So please, can I?

Thank you in advance for saying yes!

Applying Relativity to Perspective

A few years ago, towards the tail end of my experimentation with drugs, I began seeing things.

The classical term used to this experience is a ‘hallucination’ – but the more I experienced these ‘hallucinations’ – the more I couldn’t help shake this feeling there was something to this that I needed to understand.

As I explained to the people around me what I was seeing – their responses – referring to these things as a hallucination – in much the same way they’d label fiction – began leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Not only were these experiences fully touching all my senses – I could see, hear, smell, touch, taste and feel these other worlds – but when the substance was shared – mushrooms in Amsterdam for instance – these experiences and worlds I saw were shared by those around me who partook in the experiment with me.

At this point I began investigating those who stalwartly refused to budge from their use of the label..


And would frequently refer to what I experienced and WHY I experienced it to begin with as a problem….

What I began discovering was the funny truth – that exercising individuality is scary to many on this planet.

And that this ‘many’ created a collective culture based primarily on a fear of the unknown when exercising and exploring this individuality.

And the origin of the label ‘hallucination’ is the thought police’s ways of saying ‘this way of thinking does not adhere to standards and norms of society and therefore is labeled in the same way as fiction.

But what I realized is – that Einstein was on the right track.

Not only is TIME relative to the observer.

What this means in layman’s terms is for me this is the year 2018 where for you – the reader – you could be in the 24th century or the 10th century…

Not only is TIME relative to the observer.

But so is perception.

And with that. History itself.

Let me explain.

Let’s say I go back in time on my timeline to the year 1969. With this, I will see the first man on the moon. Let’s say I go back to the year 1776. I can witness the signing of the declaration of independence.

Now let’s say I go to the year 2011. I will see the Mojave desert blown away in a nuclear disaster.

This ‘hallucination’ – MY Reality – had I had the equipment with me when I saw this – could have been photographed and I could have shared my experiences with others. I know why it happened. My mind was growing and becoming more than it was before. And the effect on the world around me – at first – was a destructive reaction by it to stop me.

This relativity of perception isn’t to be underestimated, because it is what creates much of the drama that occurs in this world.

For instance.

On numerous occasions in the past, I would get into arguments with friends and family who SWORE I said something I know damn well I didn’t. In order to ‘move on’ I apologized, in MANY cases knowing full well I was right about my perception of the event, but with their adamancy – I respected that they too may VERY well have had an experience that leads them to believe they are accurate about what they experienced as well.

So rather than invalidate their experiences. Rather than waste time and effort proving I’m right and they’re wrong for no real reason – I learned to apologize, move on, and then just pay attention to their behavior afterwards.

Sometimes, I’d see that they were just jerks about things and this was a part of their personality – always being right – they were aggressive and inconsiderate and thats just who they are.

But MORE often than not – I would notice that these things were important to them.

So I learned to respect that.

And give that to them.

My second ex wife caught me doing it one time though.

I’d had numerous affairs on her, didn’t much like myself for doing it, so I apologized for it.

But when pressed, she asked why I apologized when I told her – I didn’t like that my actions had caused her pain – which was absolutely true.

Now she wanted me to regret the affairs. But for the life of me I couldn’t. I loved Lisa. But I had a GREAT time with the affairs – memories I cherish – to this day. I apologized. And was sincere about that apology. But because that apology was my actions and the pain it caused her – and not based on regret of the actions – she took issue with it.

What’s this have to do with perspective?

Common Ground.

I’d realized that MANY of my relationships – even friendships – were projections of my own imagination. At a subconscious level – which I became consciously aware of about 5 years ago – my own mind was creating people that I would experience life with.

Let me be explicit:

My mind, suffering from multiple personality disorder – was learning to PROJECT these personalities IN other people in much the same way a ventriloquist throws his voice and eventually learned how to create avatars outside my body in such a way that OTHERS could see them.

Sounds like a superpower, right?

Not really. This ‘separate personality’ created within my mind was experimenting on me and trying to dictate my actions through these avatars.

It believed it was God. Still does. It believes it was trapped by me in this head o mine. Not understanding we’re the product of a split in psyche and personality – multiple personality disorder taken to the extreme – so much so that the two halves become aware of eachother.

And hopefully, in the not too distant future – as he/she/it reads this – we begin working together.

In any case – what I realized through the hallucinated experiences was that I have two minds living within my own noggin, and quite possibly potentially many more.

Not only has this taught me an interesting lesson in perspective – as I have come to realize my assumption that everyone saw the same world as me – whether that’s historical timeline, or businesses, governments, countries, groups, friends, and the formation of individuals and collectives – was utterly and fundamentally flawed and wrong.

My mind – HAS been trying to both subconsciously and through the other personalities – create a unified world view leveraging rough interpretation and correlating those in order to ‘pull it together’.

To explain this more fully:

Let’s say in my world there’s an object whose energy suggests it’s a red apple.In your world – you have never seen an apple before, so that object may not be visible yet – you may log this subconsciously and then someday when you’ve encountered enough energy in this particular configuration you may be introduced to the apple by a friend.

A friend, consequently, who is a projection of your own mind.

Let’s take that slippery slope a little further.

Let’s say you cannot see the world like I do – you are blind – and when I say look at the clock – you see an interpretation – maybe ‘time’ as a concept is presented to you but the apparatus known as a clock isn’t there. A peek into languages and studying Spanish and comparing it to English shows there’s ONE word to translate clock and watch – Reloj – and no distinction between it. Odd, right?

Studying language – the evidence that perception is different based on the individual is all around us.

But can the same perceptual issues occur within the same body?

For instance, can there be a mistranslation between my universe and these concepts called ‘pleasure and pain’, and the universe of one of my alternate personalities and these vary same concepts?

Could they encounter physical excitement at the idea and notion of killing, and experience pleasure in the same way I experience it with sex?

Could there be a translational error that occurs with my perception of the world, basic objects and emotions, and my own world?

The evidence is all there to suggest this can and does happen all the time.

Which is why I embraced my individuality.

This universe.

I talked to the sky last night for an hour. Knowing that my mind – believing it’s God – is listening.

In the past – my mind – or this being known as God – created partners for me to experience the world with. Friends. Coworkers. Intimate partners. and more.

I apologize to my mind about the use of drugs – I didn’t do that to hurt you – it – and I am sorry it did.

But for me – I needed to go through those experiences you labeled as fictional and not real to understand US – our relationship – and that maybe – just maybe – we can collaborate and develop a more interesting world.

So tonight.

I’d love to have a fictional character called Jackie show up at my tent tonight.

Everyone else around me – the homeless – passerbys – would see me talking to myself if they saw me talking to her.

I’m fine if they judged me for that or thought I was crazy.

Because I know I’m not.

And I know you’re listening.

For me. This world is imagined by me. I dont need you or anyone else to believe this either.

And a part of that imagination is you.

So when I fall asleep tonight holding this imaginary girlfriend.

That no one else can see.

And when I show up at Starbuck’s and she decides to play with my mind a little bit and go with me not wearing any clothes – where only I see this and no one else does.

And I consciously know this.

How will the rest of the world react?

I am curious.

Aren’t you?

Having multiple personalities doesn’t have to be a problem, if we can control it and enrichen the experience of this thing we call life, does it?

Please. I beg of you. Let me see her tonight and fall asleep with her.

And when she shows up. If I want her to be someone else on occasion, work with me on this, let me play and experiment with you WITHOUT substance…..

I’d like to call this – our relationship – a gift.

Surely, this arrangement HAS to be of some benefit for studying psychologically from your perspective. Have you ever studied someone who collaborates with their alts and drugs isn’t a part of it?


Obfuscation of Erwin’s kitty

Anyone who knows me knows I love my obfuscated explanations for things.

For me, living in an analog world, answers to questions don’t always have a black and white answer, and even those that many think are black and white – ALWAYS have exceptions to them.

Whether it’s true or false conditions and the uncertainty involved unless that condition’s been investigated.

Or it’s the assumption of everything has a life and death cycle and the two are an inevitability just because that’s all that’s been observed.

So let’s take the classic Physics question of Shrodinger’s Cat.

Schrödinger’s cat is a famous hypothetical experiment designed to point out a flaw in the Copenhagen interpretation of superposition as it applies to quantum theory. … According to quantum law under the Copenhagen interpretation, the cat will be both dead and alive until someone looks in the box

But for me.

Ever seeking obfuscated answers, I cannot help but find alternative potential explanations for what one may find when one opens up that box. We assume that the cat’s alive or dead based on our understanding of the universe and limitations of the experimental parameters.

For instance.

Let’s say we open up the box and find out there is no cat.

Well shit. Instead of alive or dead we find it’s missing.

So we work to resolve this third unexpected condition – leveraging traditional methods to uncover what’s going on.

So first, we ask our co workers. No one’s touched our damned experiment. Then we talk to the cleaning staff. “Did you take my cat” you ask the staff as everyone vehemently denies it.

So you install a lock on the door, and a camera on the box, and run the experiment again with a new pussy.

You come back a week later.

And lo and behold the cat is gone.


So what happened to your pussy, Erwin?

You review the video tapes. No one has been IN or out of the room other than you the entire time. So no, you can’t blame the staff.

So you proceed to check the box. Is there ANY WAY that cat could have escaped? You proceed to get a bigger box. and this time, it’s padlocked, it’s metal and it’s for all intents and purposes a safe – there aint nothing but a LITTLE air that can get into and out of this.

So you run the experiment again.

New pussy.

And a week later.

The fucker’s gone again.

You check the tapes. No evidence. You check the time records on the tapes to make sure no one’s tampering with the evidence. No evidence of lost time on the tapes.

So now – an experiment which originally started with one of two potential endings has a third ending and has in itself created a mystery.

As you repeat the experiment. time and again. The same exact result happens, EVERY TIME. Like clockwork.

So what happened?

At this point,  we are left with any number of potential explanations, that become increasingly bizarre.

  1. Someone has tampered with the videos and is taking the time to make sure time records are accurate while they slip in to the office – without being detected (despite your best efforts to lock things) – and have managed to get in, unlock the padlock bolting that cat into the box and take the cat out, and then leave.
  2. The cat disappeared. Somehow. Flat out disappeared out of the box. You’re left with hypothesizing how this is possible.

So as you consider the potential existence of a cat obtaining magical skills to avoid his death, there’s another explanation that you may not want to consider.

  1. You have multiple personality disorder. And the alternative personality knows all your tricks and takes the cat out and gives him to a good home because this alternative personality is sick and tired of seeing you torment cats with weird fucked up thought experiments.

You see, there’s a NUMBER of explanations on why that cat may not be in a true/false conditional state, and with at least one alternative condition – you know there are other conditions that may be there.

For instance.

  1. What if the cat died, but his body is still animated (undead)? He’s not technically dead or alive, is he?
  2. What if the cat is no longer there, but instead a ghost of the cat is. Boo (not expected, not likely, but you never know if you’re in aMatrix And/or fictional movie so who knows what you may see).
  3. What if the cat’s no longer there, but instead a DOG is? (strange, but what the hell would be the cause of this)

You see while the primary conditions of Erwin’s pussy are most probable, there are improbable possibilities which can and quite likely WILL happen given enough tests of this condition.

It doesn’t present a problem with Shrodinger’s cat. But it does suggest that this wonderful thought experiment, when applied to real experiments in real life that expect boolean true/false conditions need to embrace the outliers – because it’s in these outliers is where real discoveries are made and what makes science interesting to ‘the rest of us’.