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NO PISSING

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Last evening, while I was sleeping, my mind was in an alternate reality version of me in another version of Earth – a dimmer, less well let version – where I was competing with a weird black guy who hangs out at Starbuck’s about as much as I do – – for a newscaster’s role..

I had to piss pretty badly, and there was nowhere to pee.

So I found a window, which was screened, where I began pissing out the screened window.

While I was doing this, the black guy came over to me, persistently and insistently asking:

“Can I borrow a disk, man, do you have a disk, please can I have a disk”

All I knew was – it felt like I was having an immensely difficult time relieving myself.

Like it wouldn’t come out.

About then.

Inside this ‘alternate version of me’…

I remembered waking up from what I’d called a dream in my real world a few months ago where I’d drank too much milk before going to bed and had an extremely vivid encounter where I needed to urinate inside the dream, and on trying and trying yet not finding relief, after a while of this I’d woken up to find my clothes soaked.

I’d pissed the bed.

Not a fun time as a homeless camper .

So here I am.

In this alternate version of me inside what should normally be the domain of dreams.

When I thought to myself.

“Is this like that time? Am I dreaming like I did that one time when I was camping”

And then, inside the dream, or alternate reality I was experiencing while I was sleeping, I found myself questioning “Wait a moment. When was that time I was camping? And wait a second, why is it so dark here, and wait a moment, what am I doing here and why would I even considered a job as a newscaster, I dont want to do this…. “

And right about then.

My mind snapped back like a rubber band snapping on a string.

I felt like I went through a couple layers of darkness as I slowly woke up.

Much to my chagrin, I had partially pissed myself, again, something I am damned sick and tired of, but since I love my milk so much before bed time, it’s a risk I suppose I don’t mind taking, if only my body would respond a little kinder to me.

Fortunately, my shorts caught the gist of it, and since I’m drinking so much liquid my urine isn’t smelling, so I placed the shorts on the folding chair outside my tent which aired out and were almost dry by the time I woke up as the sun hit my tent the next morning.

I know, I know, just what you want to hear from a homeless guy – how he pissed himself while he was sleeping and how he deals with it, right? You must be incredibly bored if you find this entertaining.

In any case.

To anyone and anything listening.

As I become like Q, I am realizing this is a collaborative exercise in the co-creation and evolution of me.

What I am NOT interested in doing at this time is separated my mind from my body where my primary reality is but a distant memory.

The pissing is a great example as to why.

The ‘real world’ to me is far more visceral an experience.

And to be clear – I do NOT regard my real world as a trap that I am attempting to escape from, but – there are mechanisms in place which reinforce my participation here so when I experience sinking too far into an alternate reality where my mind becomes actively engaged with it in my sleep state, my body does something to jerk me back to sleep.

Although I tried committing suicide a couple years ago, there were extenuating circumstances and influencing factors which corrupted my thinking and deprived me of real choice in that moment I tried that.

Not the least of which I wasn’t aware that anything is possible in reality, so whether it was me who’d hid that fact from me or artificial forces outside of me which had masked that, the simple fact was – I wasn’t aware of the infinite possibilities available to me and that moment of vulnerability worked to demonstrate to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that anything was possible.

Even resurrection. And Rebirth.

Now – in that moment I’d shifted into an alternate reality which the label ‘hallucination’ became affixed to my experience, I’d come to understand that hallucinations, like dreams, lacked plausible scientifically based explanation, and now…

I’d had it.

Direct and incontrovertible evidence of alternate realities was available to me in a waking state.

So to be clear.

To my mind. To the outside world around me.

I’m not interested – right now at least – in drifting from this body and finding myself in the form of another on any basis with the solitary exception of my dream states.

What I am interested in is learning how to control the windows and gateways to other worlds so I can travel there in the same physical form I’ve worked hard to maintain this entire life.

This form isn’t perfect, mind you. Another request would be to have the pain alleviated inside my chest, particularly when I eat the wrong things or drink coffee. I enjoy coffee, and shouldn’t be punished for this enjoyment. In fact, I am tired of there being ‘balance’ and the necessity for contrasting pain when I’m pleased by something.

This universe. I’ve accepted it’s a projection of my mind and thus becoming a simulation under my control.

While yin and yang and concepts of balance and karma may have caused and helped expand diversity before, it’s doing me more harm in physical pain than it is good at this point. so I kindly request that this ‘punishment’ based system (which is what it feels like) for engaging in things that feel good to me stop until further notice.

As for the dreams and venturing through alternate realities.

Mind. I’d like to direct you to more… Entertaining – to me – possibilities. I know I may bore you with my selections, but now that I am actively engaging you in this manner, and as we develop a new relationship together, you’re going to see and experience more possibilities with me, which I know jazzes you as much as it does me.

I declare peace with you.

It’s time you let me drive this body and mind for a change, all I ask is that you be my safety net in a passive way.

So as for the dreams.

The meaningless stuff like that I saw last night has to stop. IF my physical body has to urinate. Please wake me up before it’s a necessity, rather than after it’s happened or happening.

Now there’s some people who aren’t talking to me and I suspect it’s because there’s a filter around this city called Los Angeles. I think you and this conversation and our evolving and weird relationship are the key to circumnavigating this and any attempts to filter and censor us.

So for the next few nights.

Jackie. I’d like you to insert me into her imagination and dreams in a way that seems perfectly natural to her, and like she misses me. To put me actively on her mind. Now I am not interested in disrupting her relationship or life at this point, but what I am interested in doing is asking for her permission to participate with me as an imaginary friend of the age when I first met her and lover. Being candid, I want her to be nude 100% of the time, it’s an experiment with myself to understand my own body more and how and where it reacts to her presence around people in public situations where only I can see her. My goal is to become totally comfortable with her nudity.

During the day. She’ll hang out with me at Starbuck’s. A chair she’s sitting on, people will walk by and avoid in natural ways, whether you have to project an image of a bag on that chair to make it seem occupied or alter their mind and memories to deviate their paths around the chair and her is up to you. I do NOT want anyone ghosting through her, I want her physical form to seem natural and fully intact, but the dead giveaway in a repressed and conservative society that she’s imaginary to me is that she’s never – ever – wearing clothes – and never seems to get hot or cold.

Now at any time I can fully interact with her as if she’s really there.  And over time, while I may exercise this in public, at first and for the time being I won’t and will only interact with her in private situations or where people can dismiss me as ‘that crazy homeless dude. Now this requires a little creativity on your – my imagination and mind’s part on how to fill in the gaps to others around me who can’t see her. If I’m having sex with her out along the wall by my tent and someone walks up, do you make it appear to them as if I am by myself and masturbating, or I’m air fucking, or do you completely filter out the event from their mind and memory as they go about their business?

I’m curious. And while I am not intentionally going to take chances and intend on taking my time with this development of my imagination, I do not doubt there’s going to be things that happen neither of us expected in which case will require a little ….

Improvisation.

“Who am I talking to” is an easy question to answer when someone comes up and hears me talking but sees no one.

Everyone seems to dismiss the homeless man as crazy in these circumstances.

Let them.

So for Jackie. She doesn’t have to remember or consciously know anything about my imaginary relationship. If it’s proves relevant to her consciously, then it can be provided to her in a dream about me, which consciously gives her the opportunity to call it just that – a dream, without it disrupting her intellectual and psychological development.

If what she experiences with me proves relevant to decisions she’s making in her life. These experiences can also be fed to her indirectly through instincts, emotions, and other mechanisms that I may not now or ever be aware of and that she is.

To me. This seems like a win/win.

Given the chance to experience more time with a wonderful personality such as Jackie’s, albeit in a unique and imagined way – provides me a muse and character to inspire me as I try to figure out where I want my life to go here at Starbuck’s where I admittedly feel stuck. To me. it provides me a well needed and desirable female perspective.

And for Jackie. It’s free information and feedback which she may never have to begin with.

Subconsciously, there’s nothing she has to do other than consent to her likeness and image being used.

Apple Versus Microsoft. There was a court case about the likeness used that Apple won.

Does this court case apply to imagination and imaginary images?

As for this forward direction and why Jackie?

I don’t feel like I am ready for a Rachel relationship. She needs a more sophisticated, refined character who’s done playing or plays with her, which is the man I want to be, who’s under development, and needs time to explore before committing to that identity.

I’ve got my Jackie’s, Tiffany’s, Lisa and her friends, Jennifers, and more to indulge in before I’m ready for something real.

Like that.

And her.

This engagement in imagination is just a first step to becoming…

A real Timelord.

And no longer classified as fictional.

I am, after all, in my puberty, according to the fictionalized show. Which actually makes sense my often uncontrolled sexual urges.

Unlike a pubescent human, a Timelord has to learn to control their own imagination to keep themselves safe.

That’s what this is. And control, unlike being human, isn’t about dominance, it’s about collaboration.

Now. Mind. Are you on board with me on this?

Yep. I’m trying to convince you with this.

That day in the desert. Taught me you were there. But it also taught me about who I really can be which is why, ultimately, we’ll always end up in a stalemate having to collaborate should we both want to be in the same place at the same time.

Can you imagine how crazy we/I must sound to your typical ‘sane’ human?

Weird thing, this perspective.

 

 

 

 


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