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What If?

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AS I’ve been obtaining my “Q” mind back and emerging from my brush with humanity and mortality, one of the weirdest things I have had to actively forgive myself on while I allow the contemplation of is:

What if I got it all wrong?

The thing about recovering from a singular linear perspective is – while you learn to form an opinion and world view, this opinion and world view is so incredibly unique and distinct that I’m suspecting the likelihood that any two people see and experience the same world, in a literal sense, is so exceedingly remote, that this is the very heart and origin of the deep seeded feeling of loneliness I think we all have.

Why is this so?

Think about this logically.

While it’s true that there’s infinite number of universes.

What’s not true is that each one houses and/or contains intelligent life.

Let alone intelligent life capable of observing a world like you.

In the Star Trek historical records, they have a tendency of identifying signs of life as being carbon or silicon based. They recognize the need to distinguish signs of life and filter it to ‘signs of life like us’ – and as beings based on carbon atoms (humans and humanoids), and as beings based on silicon (computers, AI, robots, androids, and cyborgs), they explore for the simple reason that finding life…

“like them”

Makes them feel a little less lonely in this exhaustively empty space we refer to as the multiverse.

Years ago. I visited Thailand, and had a fantastic night with a prostitute that lives vividly in my mind as one of my favorite sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I even recorded it, and am glad I did

But here’s the trippy part – to me at least – putting an entire life into perspective and really, seriously, considering just how different others can can and do perceive the world, and just how – in that moment – wrong I could have been – but with my own ….

Ah fuck it, I’ll just blurt it out.

Let’s say that woman was just interested in me. She saw a foreigner, she was interested in me sexually, and she said yes.

My mind, believing the story I’d been told about prostitutes, chose to enjoy this moment with her.

We spent the night together.

And knowing how my mind works now.

It’s quite possible she was never a prostitute at all.

In fact. The money changing hands. Could have been a story my mind told to me to justify me just enjoying that moment with her. And while in ‘my reality’ it happened. In hers, it never did. She was merely enjoying a foreigner she was attracted to.

In the morning, when I tipped her a bit more.

It’s quite possible that my mind created an active hallucination – derailing me from ‘reality’ momentarily to pay her.

When I never, in her reality, did.

Sound crazy?

It’s quite possible.

But in truth. I have a series of events that happen that lead me to a predictable sexual experience that I pay for. And I leave the country with a validated opinion that there’s a wonderful adult oriented business in Bangkok which has earned it’s name. None the wiser that the woman wasn’t a prostitute at all, but just a partner and lover.

As I’ve recovered from mortality, it’s a hindsight retrospective understanding of what went into formulating my perspective and world.

Beliefs. Experiences. Created and shaped my world.

And over time. My mind found a way to conform to my belief system.

But as I emerge to my immortal nature. I’m realizing there’s parts of that belief system and world I have formed which are in need of reshaping and revitalization.

For instance.

What if Bill Stokes, one of my former best friends, was in a literal sense at war when I saw him playing Battlefield.

And the reason I began not relating to him was he was focused on winning World War 2 and that’s potentially what he saw, where I saw a man playing a video game in 2008.

There’s a movie – Life is Beautiful – based on the premise that a man couldn’t see a war raging around him.

I’d never realized that story could have been about me.

Maybe it was about me.

I’d begun suspecting a long time ago that I saw a world different than others. Well before I ever became involved in harder drugs that eventually helped me lose control of my life.

But as I regained control of my mind – I couldn’t help but ask – what if – I’d detached from a collective conscious perspective where the sights and sounds I heard and saw as I had lived most of my mortal life – where pre-loaded – cached – in much the same way a computer programmer might cache images into memory to optimize the speed and responsiveness.

As I considered these implications.

I couldn’t help but question – what if the ‘collective’ caching system and I ‘parted ways’.

And what if – I’d formed such as strong vision of life and the world around me – that I no longer relied on collective management systems to manage my information.

But as this happened.

Maybe I got a translation wrong.

Maybe when someone else saw a red apple. I was seeing a blue apple.

“Orange is the new Black” as a title of a tv show hints at the underlying changes that might alter a society’s collective vision.

But what if I started rejecting these changes and alterations to my vision and hearing as my individuality formed?

What if I started creating and internalizing my own internal database which created and established relationships to ideas and concepts, and eventually, the differences between me and my vision and the collective world around me grew so vast. So different.

That it undermined the very nature of a single cohesive universe and reality itself?

The very serious underpinnings of what, mentally and intellectually, I’ve seen the journey my mind has taken to become what it is today.

But how would a collective reality on a universal scale react to dissension?

I think 5000 years worth of war tells that tale.

I think taking a hard and honest look at why World War 1 and 2 occurred without making anyone wrong would provide a proper explanation of why it all happened.

I think looking at the events of the lone man standing in front of an Army at Tianeman Square in China might also provide more backdrop to this story that’s transcended an entire world.

As that man.

Was me.

When I refused to prepare for war when I was brought into the military in 2003 which was expected.

Think about it.

Someone says “Go right”.

And you go left.

Eventually your mind might start thinking left is right. And rewire accordingly.

Your mind might even go so far, preferring the preservation of individuality, to cover up and hide or mask evidence to the contrary.

Something most modern scientists dont seem to understand.

Or something my mind has tailored modern science to reflect my beliefs of where I come from and why.

Is a Universal Translator as discussed in Star Trek the equivalent to Google Translate in my universe?

Or is it an even broader mechanism which encourages the development of the mind.

Whether that mind is a collective of non sentient individuals.

And this universal translator serves to translate words and ideas between respective individual universes.

To a “Best fit”between universes?

What if when I say human, you hear Vulcan?

What if when I say me, you hear “you?”?

What if when I say time, you – who might be a timeless being with no concept of what time is, you hear gibberish or crazy talk?

And what if – when someone says a concept or idea that has in a literal sense no translation to my universe….. What if I see a crazy homeless person or someone with disease or obvious visual problems that make them someone or something I am not interested in relating to?

Perception. Is. Not. Universal. And more than likely very different, by design.

I’m immortal, after all, and while there may be times like right now that I’m, ok with learning about everything to remind myself how to live, learn, love and appreciate this and all my worlds. .

This isn’t the preferred state of being for me. And more often than not.

I’m you.

Choosing to not know and not understand. And while I may find ways to interact with people like me, mentally, I’ll isolate myself and include you in ways that work for me.

Why? Because I, like you, don’t enjoy being alone.

Rachel. Jackie. Lisa. I know you like I know myself for a reason. And I know you’re alone because I am. There’s one way – one choice – you have to resolve that loneliness. Mentally, it’s simply finding a reason to say yes to everything as I’ve done.

Trust your own mind. It will do the rest for you.


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