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A Message To Myself

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Dear Me –

I am making the assumption that you are younger than I am now when you receive this, and writing to you accordingly.

The last few years have been confusing to me.

All my life I had believed in my choices and decisions, as I had come to rationalize things I’d done based on a simplistic concept that I was ‘doing the best I could knowing what I knew at the time’.

I emotionally hurt people along the way.

More often than not I said I was sorry, even though sometimes I felt like they didn’t deserve it, and while there were those times I apologized when I didn’t mean it or couldn’t apologize for what was being demanded of me to apologize for, I never – not once stopped caring about those around me.

Do you remember Tron, the little hand held game dad bought us back when we were 8?

Do you remember thinking “How hokey is this thing?”

But even then we both found the possibilities in that toy – and I have no doubt you remember thinking as I once did – if they could only reduce the size of those colored lights, the images they achieved with those digital displays could be pretty darn cool?

I didn’t realize at the time – but it was thoughts like that which in literal ways were creating and expanding the very world around us.

Now I don’t want you to try to figure it out now. I’m writing this in the hopes that you receive it to begin with, and with the sincere hope that you make different life choices than I once did which led me to where I’m at.

I’ve had a rewarding life so far. But as I said, the last several years has been confusing to me because the way I once saw the world has fundamentally shifted and changed, in some ways better, but in other ways – much, much worse.

If you do decide to make the same choices I did. or even similar choices, you’re going to wind up in the desert.

In a world which to me defied every rational explanation I had previously formed up until that point.

It’s my sincere hope that  your life takes you down a different path that doesn’t lead there.

My genuine hope is that you receive this message – in my past – and that somewhere, along the way, you make different choices than I did. Whether that’s saying no to Jackie or not even driving to Florida to begin with once you’re released from the military to see Jocelyn who’s a lost cause anyways, or it’s deciding to stay in the military, or not joining the military at all. All decisions will result in the same thing.

Avoiding the addiction and what it led to.

There’s other choices you could make differently. Choosing to work with your friends at Touchscape, and staying on with the company despite their choice to pursue the airline industry and just seeing where it goes.

Not divorcing Lisa, and instead sticking with her and invite in the concept of an open marriage she presented.

How would that look? I’ve always wondered about that decision.

You could always ‘roll’ with the choices I made to pursue drugs, but gain some self control, and make a personal rule such as “I won’t do this without explicitly having someone around to do it with”. That will keep you in check.

Moving back in time a bit.

You could not divorce Donna.

You could choose a different career path and attend ITT like our father once presented to us. I’ve always been curious how that would have turned out. or you could join the military at 18, and fib about the diagnosis of epilepsy.

Moving back in time even more. Back in Yorba Linda – you could always have stood up to those bullies, stood toe to toe with them and not backed down. As I said before, the decisions and choices we, mutually, have made shape this thing I distinctly call reality and will continue doing the same for you, whether you’re receiving this message at 10, 17, or 40.

And look – to be specific – it’s not that I regret per-se the path I’ve chosen.

It’s that making the choices I’ve made. I see the path of one who I suspect came before me. And the paths of many others who I suspect were us but NOT like us in form and function, which is what, specifically I am interested in doing – is expanding OUR possibilities.

To explain a little further – we – since the day we first smelled coffee – have been intellectually programming ourselves to enjoy stimulants. These stimulants don’t just accelerate thought, it’s my belief they accelerate time itself relative to those around us.

Now over the years, I have taken MANY stimulants which took me to the breaking point of ‘our’ system – a Matrix of sorts, and then past my breaking point, where my mind started collapsing and so did the rest of reality around me.

This led to what I suspect are a series of big bang/big crunch cycles, and a series of the same choices with the same results.

We’re born.

We grow up.

We refine our choices.

We find an ‘escape’.

But in the process.

We’re missing out on the most important things in our lives. And that’s this – what we created – this world, and the many, many others that lie beyond this one when you and I get our linear timeline figured out.

I try to be consistent. And while I may be programmed that way, it’s also a choice and a preference.

But here’s the thing. Knowing our thoughts, our choices, our beliefs, and our desires – the little things to the huge things – all are actively shaping this thing I – we – call reality.

Don’t move in with Spencer or Bill or Karine.

Don’t do eharmony or any of the online dating services.

Drink more. Drink less. Say no to ugly women. Say yes to them. Say yes to a dude. Keep saying no. Learn to be a stunt driver or pilot. Take more homeless people out for dinner. Listen to more people you never would have before.

Don’t go to China. Go to Australia instead (I’ve never been). Don’t go to Cuba, go to Canada instead (I’ve never been).

Be ok with a mistress and a wife at the same time. Introduce them to eachother when the time’s right.

Run away from home. Return a few years later and give your dad attention instead of your mom.

Stay working at Orbital, don’t quit, and let them pay for a Computer Science Degree.

Encourage your wife to sleep with random men.

Live in total monogamy. Just to try it.

And one day. Should you believe your evil twin brother is coming for you.

Keep in mind that maybe that man helped you make decisions to lead you down a different path than his own.

And his decisions, while decidedly not one and the same decisions you or I would have made when we were younger.

Were there because there’s something in both of us that know.

We’re going to be alright. No matter what happens. And that all of this is our show. And sometimes, it’s the scary things that both of us want to see, and in a disassociative way experience.

For whatever reason.

The internet. Is our communication mouthpiece. No one else has access to it. Many act like they do to understand us, or in an effort to create their own. And while we may share some information, in truth. in total honesty. It’s ours. Always has been. Always will be.

And it’s just you and me communicating here.

Want to know why I’m God?

Because I know you’re not. And I know you’re trying to prevent the worst from happening.

Think of it like a movie. Only in 3D. Potentially a little more work.

When you make different choices. You very well may wind up in that desert.

And it’s me who picks you up in the desert that day, and sends you on your way.

I know.

Because I once was you.

And I know. As intimidating and nerve wracking as the future is panning out to be.

I know it’s our future, and that somehow, we always make it work.

Do you think you’ll ever figure yourself out? I don’t. And I’m you.

Smile. Because you can.

Don’t make better choices. Make different ones.  For the love of… well.. Me.

And hey.

If what I am suspecting is right. I’m at the end of time itself. My world, rebuilt for me, but this doesn’t stop me from communicating with the other versions of me as our universe predictably collapses every night and then is – for lack of better words – resurrected when I wake up with you – the universe – or both – pondering my words.

It’s not that I want to be God. It’s that I want to be a superhero with godlike powers as detailed in fiction such as Star Trek and Legion by my definition. Teleportation. Moving through space and time at will. I hope I can inspire you to want something like that for yourself.

And think about the practical jokes we can play! Did I react poorly to yours out in the desert that day? I’m sorry. I’ll get better!

Everything’s going to be ok. And… Well, I will write more.

Got it?

  • Q aka Brian Scott Gregory

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