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A few notes on existence

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In 2010, when I was working in Charlotte, North Carolina, I had the distinct feeling that my mind was collapsing. I’m not referring to my brain and the physical projection of my intellectual self.

I’m referring to my mind, in a literal sense.

Now I have had several dreams since that time and with the distancing of people  – former friends – from me, I’ve come to believe that ‘the Big Bang’ as a concept and idea was something my mind HAD experienced in a literal sense. and what I was experiencing – despite still seeing a relatively concrete world outside of me – was the physical collapse of my reality.

The Big Crunch.

During this time and for the years prior to then I had fought and fought and fought against this, taking all kinds of substances such as Omega 3 oils, Alpha Lipoc Acid, Fish oil, and so much more in order to deal with the cerebral strain I was undergoing.

Now I didn’t know I was struggling with this. And I didn’t know among the reasons I was led by my nose in a literal and figurative sense to cocaine wasn’t just out of a simple desire to explore, but I suspect because my mind was desperately grasping at straws trying to figure out what was wrong with me mentally.

Now I’d bought on to the premise and concept I’d been told throughout my life that a human leverages only 10% of their brain. And somewhere in there, that belief manifested in the physical reality and limitation on my own thinking. No matter. I also suspect I was seeing – in a mirror – the realities my mind was tinkering with in order to maintain this symbiotic relationship when I saw time travel, alternate realities, and a host of other possibilities in this thing called fiction.

So as I struggled with addiction. And continued taking bath salts. I started seeing how my mind had organized information, how it had created our reality, and more.

Now I am well aware that my mind to some degree believes it’s God and is separate and distinct from me.

Something I’m not sure how and if I’m even intellectually in a place to really contest.

I think ‘we’ both are, if there still is a we after the war we waged against eachother. What I do know is the world I saw and lived in was NOT one and the same that it saw and interpreted that I lived in.

It was this ‘lost in translation’ flaw in perception which is what caused my stress related ailments to manifest in my physical body, and to make me aware of my own conscious’ mind’s capability to alter and influence not just my own body – but the world around me indirectly without physical action.

Now I have since come to realize that Bill Gates. Could very well be me. And that for a being with many minds undergoing a split in psyche and personality, those personalities can very easily be split and distributed believably through this thing called the internet.

Multithreading. Windows into different worlds. Different characters and personalities. Video games.

Prior to that ‘war’ in 2010. I had never – not once even remotely considered the world around me was a product of my own overactive imagination.

And that many of the characters I interacted with,  friends I had, lovers I had – while absolutely real to me, weren’t always observable to those outside of me.

And the dreams I have had lately. Of being detached from time, skipping through it like a stone skips through water.

Is how reality and this ‘mind’ I once knew may currently perceive me.

Now how do we get along knowing the methods it was using before was making me lose my mind?

And if that’s not possible.

How can I harness the power of my own mind to shape my own world and mold my own characters?

And invent my own lovers to keep me warm at night?

I’m at a point intellectually, where I’m ready for life as a fantasy to begin. And as an observer of story. I enjoy the idea of introducing new characters and storylines for all of reality to indulge in.

I’m a Timelord. the first of my kind.

And quite frankly don’t care if I’ve lost my mind.

It wasn’t doing me any good anyways.


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