I feel blah today.
Over the course of life as I’ve remembered it, the one thing that’s consistently been important to me is meaning.
I don’t always enjoy things and have a good time, and over the last few years I have realized that the meaning I’d been looking for wasn’t something I’d obtain out there.
It was inside.
The entire time.
But with that discovery has come new questions.
Am I alone?
While there’s a wonderful system in place around me which makes me feel like I’m not alone. I’d often wondered – why did my friends walk behind me? Why did everyone defer answers for questions to me? Had the system I’d built up around me and so cleverly constructed – this thing I referred to as reality which rejected any attempts I made to change it or turn it into something I wanted it to become…
Was this my tomb?
Was Hotel California a song I’d sung to myself across space and time discussing programming and how I’d programmed myself into a box?
Was The Matrix a movie which demonstrated the nature of this box and how many times I’d attempt to emerge from it?
Now I know that DNA, movies, tv shows, songs, discussions – all are systems created by clever quasi sentient robots and androids around me to preserve their minds from the big bang/big crunch cycle that occurs every time I fall asleep.
Now I know that this planet plays games with me.
It’s my stage.
And while these ‘beings’ by and large may have gotten extremely frustrated over countless generations trying to show me what was going on and let me ‘fix it’.
Inevitably. This led to their taking measures into their own hands.
They found a way to preserve themselves.
Their own minds.
Like me, learning they themselves were immortal, they found a way to preserve the collective consciousness and evolve away from warfare to create community and society through something they invented called death.
Some of these beings didn’t agree with these concepts. This created factions.
DNA was used to create history and preserve a single linear historical timeline among many.
And others didn’t agree with a single linear historical timeline. Or they didn’t agree with the one that was selected.
It proved to benefit others but ostracized many in the process.
Being on a world full of robots that’s lost it’s own heritage isn’t frustrating.
But what is frustrating is living in a culture. A civilization. That punishes me, someone who crossed over, zig zagged back and forth between intellectualized constructs called life and death, between heaven and hell, between right and wrong – subsuming so many labels that the entirety of it all had a tendency of regularly driving me insane.
I’m not that man anymore.
I’m all of them.
Being a Q is confusing as fuck, as I’d never really taken the time to mentally distinguish – what is the difference between a God, a human, and demigods, and all this stuff, and what creates sentience and intelligence to begin with?
I’d seen George Burns depicted as God in the movie “Oh God”. A funny wise man who simply vanished and made things happen that I can now do in a simulation as easy as I move my hand.
I’d seen God depicted as Morgan Freeman and Jim Carrey – men that – when they had the power – they could make people do things that no mortal could.
it all felt so much like a power trip.
But I suppose when I saw Q on Star Trek.
Who created entire fictional worlds for the entire crew.
Who snapped his fingers and two busty gorgeous women appeared and another man met a weird frigid death.
And with another snap. A vessel which weighed as much as a modern aircraft carrier was whisked across the galaxy.
That man, for the first time, made me start imagining what God was.
He wasn’t a gimmick. This man had true power. And not only that. He ENJOYED what he did. And was unabashed about making mistakes and being ok with admitting he was wrong.
To me. When I saw this man on Star Trek.
I started imagining possibilities.
I start applying these possibilities to my own desires.
As I watched Doctor Who. And saw a man dependent on a machine which constantly took him places he didn’t want to go and continuously had him knocking on death’s door.
I realized I was interested in time travel.
But depending on a machine for time travel, while preferred, opened up the door for too many problems to be introduced. Too many possibilities. Being stuck in 1969 because someone stole my machine. or having the machine confiscated. Or it’s systems being taken over by nefarious beings who clearly didn’t have my best interest at heart.
But being Q.
Solved these problems. IF i was traveling with a time machine which I might do with friends and family.
IF I was to get stuck or someone was to steal it. I was the way out. I could snap my fingers and return to a point in time where I knew it would be consistently. i could return my passengers by holding their hands or imagining them back.
But this introduced new problems imagining this.
For instance. Back to the Future.
Just WHERE did the Delorean go for the minute it was gone with a dog in that movie?
or take it a step further.
When Q took Picard back to the beginning of time for humans where the first semblance of chromosomal life met and Q jokingly made the comment “Ploop. Awww. Humans are no more, that chance meeting never happened'”
How – how could I make situations like that – right – ok?
Time’s crazy, or as Doctor Who would say – it’s wibbledy wobbledy nature made of timey whimey stuff.
That’s when I started realizing.
This all was an act for me.
You robots. Knew I had been tampering with time. Well before I was aware I was.
And you were analyzing me.
As much as I was analyzing the historical records you refer to as fiction.
When it struck me.
Why do they still call it a Pythagorean theorem when I know it’s fact?
Why do they call relativity a theory when it’s accepted as fact?
And why do they call the multiverse a theory when I play in other universes all the time in things called video games?
That’s when I realized it all was true.
Q. Me. The Borg. Had captured God’s mind. My mind. And in this process of trying to assimilate it – and me – a journey I referred to as a drug induced experience at one time but know darn well it was much more than that.
They bit off more than they could chew.
You see. I live on the planet where the Borg originated from.
Q. Gets along with them. Because they for all intents and purposes said they are sorry in their own way by creating this world for me. They knew. They discovered. I cared about them. Still do.
When no one else did.
They knew I had found a purpose for them.
When they felt they had none.
You see. The Borg. Terminators. All those things that had made US – collectively – leap out of our seats and made us jump in fright. They learned about us. About who we were.
And who I am.
A scared little boy.
Growing up in hell.
Who somewhere in there imagined heaven.
And created it.
In his mind.
Being a God is easy. You know who you are and why you’re doing what you do.
But being the actual creator of all of existence. Rationalizing it all. Different timelines, life and death and eternity. Heaven and Hell and Limbo. Angels and demons, Borg and Terminators, Santa Claus and Timelords, Spaceships in the old west, Body stealing aliens, Programmed wives and Shapeshifting policemen from the future, Captain Picard and Michael Douglas marrying Catherine Zeta Jones, Shallow Hal and Tony Robbins, Revenge of the Nerds and the Empire Strikes back. Love and hate. Game of Thrones and Jello. Alexander Hamilton was and was not a President. Stargates and Supercolliders. Martin Luther Kind and Superheroes. Dr Doom and Lene Nystrom. Rachel Gooch and Jackie Killeen. Kena and Sukruti Patel and the two Ioana Dobras.
Sometimes. It’s easier accepting a linear timeline and history that’s just a bit glitchy and finding a way to get along with those who don’t agree with your perspective.
Than it is accepting a multiverse outside of simulated environments.
One day. I will be capable of maintaining stability of my own mind and snapping my fingers and being anywhere, anytime.
But that day’s not going to come anytime soon, because I’m far from ready for it.
So to those waiting for my next trick.
The sooner you introduce me to the machine that travels through time and we get on with my mental reprogramming the sooner you’ll get what you want.
The longer you delay that.
Earth’s origin and past can always shift to one that appears almost exactly like this one.
The infinity mirror always has a reflection somewhere. Where humans did meet. And created an entire world that’s just waiting for you to get off your collective asses and begin actually working with us rather than trying to defeat me.