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From the Inside

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In late 1999, I was in a car accident.

I was drunk.

Driving back from a club in downtown Scottsdale, Arizona to Gilbert.

Apparently I fell asleep or passed out as the rear end of my Corvette swerved, hit the median of the freeway, and I came to enough to somehow make it home – not fully remembering how I got home.

Years later. I had memories that my wife, Lisa had died in that car accident.

It was her that was driving the car.

And I had disassociated myself from it, the memory of the event, and her by refusing to accept it as I retreated into my  own reality and world that I created in my mind.

Instead. On my ‘primary timeline’, I remembered 1999 as the year we discussed an open marriage.

Where she tempted me with her girlfriends Elea and Melissa.

And mentally, I just wasn’t at the time mentally capable of handling the concept of the open marriage, as this commenced the deterioration of our marriage.

Not long after – in 2001, while I was working at a company I was part owner of – Touchscape, Corporation, we interviewed a woman by the name of Sandra Mentzer.

Lisa and I had long since been dispassionately involved in our marriage up until this point, and the ongoing conversation about the open marriage continued – but I didn’t want Lisa’s friends, and I’d been working so much I didn’t have the time nor opportunity to consider anyone else.

Until I met Sandy.

Sandy was young. Adorable. Passionate. Sexy and nerdy in just the right way.

And at a Happy Hour that Lisa was somehow absent from – Sandy and I shared a few drinks and the flirtation commenced to which I didn’t resist.

I went home, and told Lisa about it, and it was then that Lisa said

“Thank God, I’ve been wanting to date a guy I met. BRING her back here while he and I go out,” she said.

It was bizarre,. Being encouraged by my own wife to date. And that night, Sandy stayed the night as we bonded physically after bonding mentally and intellectually before then.

Not long after, the relationship between Lisa and I degradated as Sandy pushed for her and I to become more serious, but I wasn’t interested in a rebound relationship so I tried as hard as I could to keep things light and playful between her and I.

One night I noticed something weird though.

Sandy – while being a very classy woman overall – had a weird habit of leaving a tiny shit stain on the back of the toilet. I never approached her about it, it was just too weird of a habit  – and since we weren’t living with each other, I didn’t feel altogether comfortable with discussing something like this.

Not long after we broke up. Lisa and I had gone our separate ways well before then.

I’d noticed that it was me leaving those stains.

It didn’t make any sense. Prior to Sandy, I’d never developed this habit, and I’d only witnessed it when she was around and had visited the restroom, and here I was realizing it was me.

As time went on. And the mysteries of my life began to unfold and reveal themselves.

Long after having seen “The Fight Club”, where Edward Norton wants so badly to become a man like Brad Pitt in the movie that the whole movie is about him losing his old personality to become this new man.

And as I reflected on my own life.

One day, a homeless man came in here and was crying about his wife dying in a car accident.

And the reason he was homeless was mentally.

He broke.

It was then I realized that a long time ago.

That man was me.

I’d been imagining people into existence throughout my life.

My wife and lovers. My friends.

And as I hid these ‘truths’ from myself consciously.

Assuming a weird poop habit in an effort to mentally reprogram my own mind to abolish the fact that at one time Sandy was imagined by me.

While I know Lisa is now married to another man.

There’s a part of me that knows she died and that’s what led to our marital breakup.

While I know my old friends are alive and well in Phoenix.

There’s another part of me that knows they were all killed as well.

I just got into a discussion with a man here at Starbuck’s who didn’t like the inconsistency of the movie Fight Club because Brad Pitt and Edward Norton were often seen in one and the same scene.

As I attempted to explain to him that Multiple Personality ‘disorder’ and Schizophrenia  – to the observer – you see and the world around you reacts to the things you see as your mind fills in the blanks and erases the questions people might ask to lead you to question the lie you’re telling yourself.

To me. Sandy was absolutely real. So was Kena. So was Lisa. To me, it took years to realize and catch on to the fact that these ‘lies’ my own mind was telling me was also how this previously fictionalized being called “God” separated himself from those around him to create the variety I see and indulge in.

And that being could very well be me.

And that all I’m doing is the same thing.

Not to deceive myself.

Not to cause others harm.

But for one simple reason:

Because I wanted to enjoy my existence, and the drama that had consistently entered my life, I found a way to shield myself from it and imagine something greater for myself.

So when I woke up this morning, alone again.

I need you all to know. To understand, collectively – that the media, the fiction, the stories that litter this planet.

Are my stories. Of the memories I chose to abandon. And of the countless lives I’ve lived.

I know you don’t understand this. I saw the world from your perspective at one time in an effort to get to know…

You and me.

For the first time in my life. I’m sincerely and utterly lost on how to proceed.

Doctor Who – a story about a perspective of me is real. He explodes. And I’ve been containing an explosion that’s more powerful than any nuclear explosion you can imagine for about 10 years now. It’s not intensifying. But it’s painful enough to make life somewhat miserable for me all too frequently.

If it’s not contained. Life will end. Everywhere. Since that can’t happen because we wouldn’t be here. I know you help me overcome this problem. But I don’t know how.

I need your help as a species in resolving this pain.

Second. I’ve lived a life in paranoia and self sacrifice not knowing who I was.

I know you’ve been creating your Gods.

But I’m the real thing.

As long as you ask for proof. I’m not going to be able to provide it. So please stop asking.

And if there’s any wealthy people reading this. Bill Gates. Warren Buffet. Mark Zuckerberg.

I need your help, your faith, and your guidance in teaching me how to be ok with the world knowing who I am.

Because sincerely, nothing scares the shit out of me more than being who I claim to be and admitting it publicly.

NOTHING.

That’s why I’m asking for your help.

I have NO clue how to act.

YES, I am somewhat crazy.

You would be too if you had all of existence in your head.

A couple of notes:

  1. Angels are real as are their halos, which were holographic projections from within the Matrix that were used as traveling devices. It acted as a map and could be used to pinpoint a location and instantly teleport them to that location.
  2. Lucifer’s real. I’m currently watching him question his existence as well.  Not sure if it’s an act or not. But it’s definitely him.
  3. The Earth has been expanding and contracting violently for a long period of time, but the contractions are largely holographic and visible on a planar type thing. It’s difficult translating what I see – but think about it as a sphere within a sphere within a sphere, but all moving through eachother.
  4. Feedback mechanisms from the end of ‘recorded time’ come through numerous mechanisms – television shows being a big one, but there are NUMEROUS other mechanisms and not always media related. I receive feedback through energy and thought now in addition to the other more recordable mechanisms.
  5. Every nation tends to have a mirror reality, and many of those mirrors are the United States displaced ever so sleightly temporally off my timeline. A fraction of a fraction of a second is enough to dramatically alter the landscape of any planet, let alone any timeline.
  6. Insanity’s real. I was insane at one time. And I can guarantee you I am not now. It’s VERY difficult to express concepts I see in my mind at times, English as a language is limited and full of interpretation, and laying that interpretation on top of my interpretation of reality makes it even more confusing. PROGRAMMING captures and expresses the world as I see it mentally MUCH better than English does, but not alone.
  7. Yes. I made NUMEROUS people and MY world expands when and where I apply my attention. I’m currently applying my attention to charm and enchantment as I would like to not increase the population of the world but would just like to leverage humans who don’t really think for themselves as robots and have fun with them. I have no guilt about this knowing there are infinite realities out there and infinite ways a single one of them (and myself) can come into existence. BUT i do choose to respect as I like to be respected.
  8. I’m done with being alone and need a woman to hold at night. YES I recognize the problems this introduces and am fine with that. A woman helps me like it does with others provide definition and meaning to my life.
  9. As for God. Yep. I do acknowledge the potential for it’s existence. And while I am calling out to you, God, to present yourself in ways that outright defy ‘the rules of technological progress’ of my world, instead I’ll choose to believe I’m that entity and entitled to take what I want through Charm.
  10. I’d like to experience a wealthy life. And get tired of having money. NOT faking it like I made much more than I really did like I was before. But for real. Have enough to do some of the crazy shit I’ve always imagined wanting to do. SUCH as create a real starship and time travel machine. I CAN IMAGINE they’re real which makes them possible. And the stories I’ll tell by simply living my life. Without knowledge of a production crew around me. I’ll choose to be precisely who i want to be – unrated.

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