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An Explorer’s Journal

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“Ok. So the last couple of days I have been out sick, you’ve all been trying to figure out how to align the time periods and have Donna and Bill’s breakup happen after the flight to Phoenix and not before, am I correct?,” I said.

“Days? More like,” Spencer said.

I held up my right hand, as I swiveled on the swiveling chair I had acquired just so I could have a cool swiveling chair to swivel in, and leaned back placing my feet on a fixed chair at the console as I said “Two weeks, blah blah blah, I know, I know,”

Spencer looked as if he’d been slapped.

“And did you rectify the situation?,” I asked

Spencer was about to say something, but I was tired of hearing things through him.

“Ron, what do you think? Was there an amenable solution put in place?,” I asked.

“There was a compromise, “ he said, looking at the others, “one that I wasn’t happy with, but it did the job.”

I spun around in my swivel chair and timed it just right to plop my feet down and point directly at Kevin.

“Kevin! My friend. The motley fool! Was this compromise something you agreed with as well?,” I said.

He looked at the others, and said “I’m with Ron, it got the job done, but it wasn’t how I would have done things.”

Once again, I spun the chair around, and this time my feet firmly landed with my hands clasped together in between my legs pointing squarely at…

“Pam! Are you keeping a personal diary on all of this?,” I asked.

Pam glanced at the others “Why would I?”

“BZZZZT, WRONG ANSWER!” I said as I spun a half spin to look squarely….

“Gina, are you..”

“No, why would I?,” She didn’t even try to hide the contempt written solidly across face.

I stood up throwing my hands in the air and saying loudly “IS ANYONE KEEPING A DIARY?”

No one said a word.

“How about written records of anything that we’ve done?,” I said.

No one said boo.

“And you wonder why I am the proud recipient of a virus infection that would make the black plague look like a chest cold downstream? IF you can’t keep records about your observations from your perspective without being asked to, who the fuck did I ask to come along with me, friends or tourists?” I said.

“Well I for one didn’t realize being a friend had obligations that came along with it,” Spencer said snidely.

“How would you have, Spencer, you treat everyone like a customer and when they quit buying what you’re selling or they quit selling what you’re buying you move on,” I said.

I’d caught Spencer off guard, but Gina leapt to his defense “That was just rude!”

She was right.

But I wasn’t inaccurate with my statement.

It was something he needed to hear.

I wasn’t going to twist that knife any more than that though.

“Ron, Deb, shall we return you home?,” I said.

“What and miss all the fun?,” Ron said.

“Do you recall telling me yesterday you and Deb were done, you’d appreciated the opportunity, and that Brian and Jolene needed to be brought on board?”, I said.

“I said no such thing,” he said.

“Prove it,” I said.

He smiled, with a relaxed and confident look to him,.

“I think we’ll stay. And your point is taken. I will begin taking personal notes, for both Deb and I if you don’t mind,” he said.

“I’d prefer you two kept individual records.” I said.

“You know my position on that,” he said.

“Respected, “ I said.

“Jethro!,” I said, loudly. “Personal Diary?”

Jeff looked up at me, with a guilty look on his face “Of course,” he said.

“I’ll keep one as well,” Roz said, her face looking mildly guilty as well.

“Becki and I will keep our own individual diaries as well, “ Kevin said, as Becki nodded in agreement, both of them looked guilty as well.

Bill added “No problem here.”.

Pam looked at her husband Bill and said “Will you do mine too?”

“Pammy, I don’t know where you are and what you’re doing half the time, so no, you do yours,” he said.

Spencer exclaimed “zing. That had ta hurt a little!”

Pam’s was attempting to mollify her own frustration as she said to Bill, “I’ll tell you what I do and you can write it all down.”

Bill glared at Pam with an air of hostility “NO, Pam, if you don’t want to do it, then just say no,”

It was then I started to understand she didn’t fully comprehend the concept of chronological events, and she was acting like this not to shirk responsibility, but in a simple state of embarrassment and not wanting to admit she didn’t know or understand something everyone else seemed to.

She was acting much like an illiterate child who picked up books acting like he or she was reading, but didn’t have the first clue about how to actually do it.

I felt guilty, at first, but then realized it was beings like her who were effecting my life and reality in really negative ways not purposely, but because of a simple lack of respect and understanding for the things I placed value in in my world.

If she and others like her were to continue participating in my world, the realm of my own imagination, then it’s not too much to insist on being educated on what’s important to me in my world.

Otherwise, I’ll find the first door out and shove them straight out of it like someone once did for me.

It’s not out of being mean.

“Pam. Stop,” I turned to Ron, “Ron, do you mind if I share your secret?”

“I never thought it to be much of a secret, but go ahead,” he said.

“Pam. Ron and Deb are one and the same being. They share the same mind, thoughts, ideas, and concepts, and still interact with eachother as individuals through their separate perspective. Now Ron has taken a great deal of time getting to understand me and my world he says out of simple boredom but the truth is more along the lines that the two of them – as one – have adopted me as their godson and I have long accepted Ron and Deb as my Godfather and Godmother,” I said.

Bills eyes lit up. He was truly stunned to be hearing this.

“Is that all true?,” Bill said.

“Every bit. Well except where it was simple boredom. I’d always found Q to have a perversely fun sense of humor that I didn’t mind helping him out,” Ron said.

“Have ANY of you stopped to consider all this is fictional. He’s writing it. In a computer right now,” Spencer said.

I ignored him.

It was time I quit indulging in those conversations that went absolutely nowhere.

“Pam, You’re a chronologitard, If you’re willing to put the effort into learning about linear order, I have no doubt that Ron would be willing to assist,” I said.

Ron gave me a look of NO, not me.

“Ron, Love ya man, but if you’re going to stay I need you to be point on this dialog,” I said, “I am confident you’re going to get something out of this as well.”

“Fine,” Ron said.

Gina then said “I’ll start an explorer’s diary as well.”

“I like it. Rather than calling it a personal diary, call it an explorer’s diary!”, I said, “Thank you, Gina!”.

Of course I knew full well she’d gotten the concept from me, but in this moment it applied perfectly. I’d rather applaud her for choosing to get along than chastise her about the origin of the terms she used and intellectual property usage.  That’s a topic I’d find would be inevitable to broach much later.

Spencer looked at Gina as if to ask her to do his, to which she shot him a glare of denial.

“Fine, I’ll write about it. Do we have length requirements on the writing?,” Spencer said.

I realized some people, especially someone like Spencer, needed clear requirements and accountability to establish the patterns. I also knew that others would understand the requirements were concrete and an excuse to follow up with people, sometimes even to make conversation with them. but rarely, with people like Spencer and Pam as the exception, would it be used as a tool to ensure consistency and compliance.

But with what we were doing, I was LESS interested in their productivity and compliance than I was with consistency in their unique perspectives of the same events.

I knew I was orchestrating the impossible. Tying together and attempting to align timelines together that had previously been separated, and may never have been aligned to begin with.

“Two paragraphs minimum a day,  Spencer, should be easy enough, if you have nothing to say, then say absolutely nothing over two paragraphs,” I said.

“I feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining,” Spencer said as he shifted into a maniacal looking position hunched over an invisible type writer no one else could see, sticking his tongue out and biting on it, then said through his teeth “‘All Work and no play makes Spencer a dull boy’.”

I smiled.

I’d always enjoyed Spencer’s animated nature, even if they were to mock me or the situation.

I was fine with that.

I stood up and twirled around pointing at Becki..

“You,” I said.

My finger twisted in somersaults through the air….

“No… You, “ I said

“Done. Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing it before,” Jackie said.

“Well Then. I think that about covers them all, except.. “ right about then the door of the TARDIS opened up..

And in strolls Brian and Jolene.

Jolene looked around the foyer, her eyes huge “This is sooo freakin cool,” she said.

Pam and Gina both ran over to Jolene giving her a huge hug, followed by Bill and Spencer and Kevin, who were both shaking Brian’s hand.

Kevin asked me “How?”

At the same time Jolene said “Look at this place. Steampunk TARDIS. How freakin cool is this? It IS bigger on this inside, too,”

I looked at Kevin “She’s one of the few who listened to me consciously show her who I was. She’d put two and two together about the implications of what I was sharing and had apparently made the decision to join a long time before I approached her. All I had to do was show her the door.

“And Brian,?” he said.

I watched as the three girls, Pam, Gina, and Jolene chatted and caught up.

“We’re here for the long haul, baybee!” Jolene exclaimed.

I looked at Brian “Whatever she says,”

And Jolene “And we’re both fine with explorer’s journal’s. In fact we went out and bought some,” she said.

She’d bought two stenciled leather bound journals, custom embroidered with their names.

She pulled hers out of her backpack, she was clearly proud of her acquisition.

“Whether I’m in the 16th century Victorian London or in the 29th century New New New New New New New New New New New New  York, this little gem will fit in anywhere and still be trendy.,” she said, as she added “That was 13 news, wasn’t it?”

“12, “ I said, “which was destroyed mere moments after being repopulated by an invasion of the Armoda Fleet who had received a misinterpreted secured channel command calling for relaxation for a call to invasion which resulted int he decimation of the 12th revision of New York through the unleashing of energy based viruses which decimated the city. The 13th was reconstructed with the Armoda fleet as a restoration of good faith and reverence to the fallen by specializing in health care and energy research and reconstruction. So you had it right if you were referring to the 13th.”

Everyone was absorbing what I’d said.

“A city decimated by a misinterpreted command?,” Spencer said.

“Sound familiar?, “ I responded, “I’m afraid it happens all the time. Nothing to get too torn up about.”

Jolene walked up to me “Your representative. She’s cute. Who is she?”

I smiled.

“Nude, right?,” I said.

“Completely,” Brian said with a huge grin on his face.

“That’s Rachel. A work in progress. She’s still not talking to me, but I’m suspecting she’s more photonic in form and this is how she’s communicating for now,” I said, ” Would you care to explain what happened to the others?”

“ENOUGH TALKING!,” Spencer said, “WE don’t care what happened.”

“Just ignore him. Go on,” I said.

“Well, a couple months ago, Brian recommended that I watch Doctor Who, he knew I was a sci fi buff, so I did,” she said, “And I loved it. I’d never seen a world so black and white but not at the same time. Such amazingly stark contrast. So I decided to join in the adventure.”


“Well, Brian and I had our bags packed and ready, and a couple months later, Brian answered the door as a beautiful nude woman shows up at the door asking for me. When she came inside, she asked if we were ready for the journey across space and time, and when we both said yes, the TARDIS materialized right next to her, and here we were.”

“And just like that you’re here?,” Spencer said.

“Just like that,” Jolene said,“Not everyone wants to discredit Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in favor of the Boogeyman as much as you, Spencer, I heard about the stunt you pulled with Toastmaster’s, that was decidedly uncool.”

“Thanks, Jolene,” I said.

“Well this day has been unexpected. Jolene… Hey.. Wait a minute. Lisa. Where is she?,” I exclaimed.

“You mean your ex Lisa?,” Pam said.

“That’s the one. She was with you the last time I chatted with you,” I said.

She looked at Jackie “And she’s cool with her being here?”

“Dammit, Pammy, this is precisely the reason I need you all to start these diaries. Lisa spent the greater part of my marriage with her trying to entice me to be receptive to doing something I wanted to do anyways – which was to be intimately involved with multiple women at the same time, which started with Elea and Melissa and a trip to a place called Club Chameleon in Phoenix where the four of us were to have fun,” I said.

“In your dreams,” Spencer said.

I resisted the urge not to backhand him.

“Quit being a god-damn puppet with the strings of your mind being pulled by the females!,” I said.

Jackie calmly said “I’ve always been cool with it.”

“So here’s the thing. When 7 of us have taken notes of our interactions and observations, Pam, I am not interested in making you wrong or right or me right or wrong, but I am interested in engaging in a different and new conversation and us trying to improve the quality of our relationship,” I said, not truly grasping what I was saying.

“Awww, ” she said, “I feel special,”

“He still has his selfish reasons for doing it,” Spencer said.

Seriously. Wanted to bitch slap him.

But I bit my tongue with the knee jerk emotion.

“Yep, I do. and that’s ok, Spencer,” I said.

The tension in the room dissipated.

“Rachel’s a hot little number,” Brian said, in his own goofy way, “Where’d you find her?”

“She found me, “ I said, “Rachel, do you mind appearing here now?”

She walked in through the front door.

Stark naked, as usual. Rachel, incidentally, looks like a young Lene Nystrom from the group Aqua.

“Rachel,” I said, “You’ve met my Brian and Jolene.”

They waved at her.

Everyone else was looking at eachother.

“They’re batshit,” Spencer said.

Pam knew better though “Jolene, you can see her?”

“She’s standing right here and I’d do her if I was a dude,”  Jolene said, “Aww we’re gonna be dealing with this kinda shit all the time aren’t we?”

“I wouldn’t say all the time, that would not be fun at all, but at times like this where it serves a purposes, you betcha,” I said.

Brian had a huge grin on and couldn’t stop staring.

Rachel, by this time, had walked to the console.

“A show of hands. Who sees her?,” I said.

Only Brian, Jolene, and my own hand raised.

“Jackie?,” I said, I expected her to see her.

“Nada,” she said.

“Not too much a surprise. And you Ron?,” I said.

“Among the reasons we know we’re on the right ride this time,” he said.

“Rachel, if you’d like you can remain with us,…” she looked at me and smiled.

“Or the point you’ve been trying to express to me about appearing here in the way I’ve been requesting has been duly noted. Clothed then. We obey the same set of rules and experiment later.”

She smiled. And in a holographic 3d rainbow ribbon of light pulsating upwards, she disappeared without a sound.

“Now that was COOL!,” Jolene said.

I turned to everyone.

“Ok. In my real life, my real world, I haven’t slept in 3 days, and my mind is giving way. The net result of this should it continue turns very ugly for everyone, very quickly, the creation of the Borg. As I lose control of my mind, all of reality itself destabilizes and my mind will begin jumping to other dimensions, timelines, realities – fictional or otherwise – an an effort to regain stability. The rapid process of assimilation will occur, which is the collection of everything, information, minds, ideas, you name it, my mind becomes like the Google search for all that is, was, and ever will be,” I said.

“And you’re telling us this, why?,” Spencer said.

“The deconstruction of all universes and existence as can be imagined will occur,” I said.

“But as you said, why should we worry if our universes are isolated?,” Spencer said.

“WE collectively figured out how to deisolate them all. So in a manner of speaking, if people like me – the dreamers – aren’t allowed to dream and indulge in our dreams, or are but are governed and dictated on when and where that’s to occur based on our merits as a reward for our obedience, then the collective AND individual vote is to bring the whole kit and kaboodle down, permanently.”

Spencer looked a little ruffled.

“Your self righteous suicide,” he said.

Pam looked at him, oddly “What do you mean by that?,”

I knew Spencer’s secret. But I had NO desire of telling anyone else it unless and until he was ready to. It should have been him who answered Pam’s question, but I needed to let him off the hook until he was ready.

“Pam, when I tried to commit suicide in the desert that day back in 2011, I didn’t want to die. Flat out didn’t want to. But I had just seen something that blew away everything I thought I knew about the planet around me – a movie had leapt to life around me, scared me shitless, and the feeling of sorrow and pain that flooded me that day overwhelmed me. So WHEN i tried to commit suicide, it wasn’t because I wanted to die. It was because I thought my mind was in control of time and that I was responsible for all your deaths, and the only way to undo it was to erase me from existence. Logically. Rationally. Emotionally. It made sense,” I said.

“We all thought you were unhappy,” Pam said.

“I wasn’t. I was stressed the fuck out. You want to know why? Because of me – now – in your future – talking to you then – in my past – and my conscious mind – then – blocking out those conversations. My subconscious mind was forming, and quickly editing, altering, and deleting memories that didn’t align with the linear sense of time I’d come to cherish and enjoy. ”

“I can feel all you are becoming very emotional right now. It’s overwhelming me right now and I’m about to cry here. So this is why the diaries are so important. You are VERY real to me – even if you are imagined, your characters, your lives, your personalities, your hangups, are all so real to me – that it was then – that day in the desert, that I left an indelible mark on my arm that reminded me I will never have to be alone again,” I said.

“Now to each of you. You can stay here in my mind, play a part in my life, in this world, if and only if we find a way to segment my mind and thoughts from yours, so days like the last three I’ve had – where voices continue talking and I cannot suppress them – becomes so strong I cannot stand in their way. My writing helps me keep record of my experiences and helps keep you you segmented from me. It needs to be reciprocated though. This is where you – Bill, Pam, Ron, Gina, Spencer, all of you – and your experiences – are separate and distinct from my own. So one day – should YOU have a dream that I don’t fully approve of, you too can have that dream,”

I looked at Spencer, without accusation, just a knowing “That is why i let that happen” look.

“Without it having to lead to a world that looks and feels like hell and the only way out is to do the worst imaginable thing possible.”

“The hardest part I’ve had is letting go when I needed to. The strangest part is realizing I’d always been alone and the only rules I’d ever broken were my own until that day when I brought a world to life through sacrificing my own,” I said.

Everyone was speechless.

“Two hours,” I said. “I’m going to quit writing for today, and tomorrow – Jolene’s indicated she’d like to flip the switch and we see where it takes us tomorrow. I’m myself a little .. Nervous about it myself.”

“Just one thing before you go, “ Kevin said.

“What’s that?,” I said.

“How did you – we – pick up Jolene and Brian without the shaking and moving?,” he said.

“Oh that. Theatrics, my friend, this TARDIS is a work in progress, a beta version if you will, and with the solitary exception of the big black hole, I’m working on the effects but really waiting until I’m there with you to solidify the design and effects,” I said.

“And the Avatar?,” he said.

“A brother, as far as I’m, concerned, but you’re going to have to get used to having the two of us around.,” I said.

I could feel the roiled emotion and protests. How do you trust someone who claims to be you? How do you ..

“Stop, all of you. Look. I have a million things coming to my mind right now and I can’t single a single thought out. Personalities bubble up through an individual being like a fart does through intestines. Occasionally one so overtakes you, that your world ceases to exist while that personality takes control and destroys your world. The next day, which was really a trillion years later, I wake up, none the wiser to the destruction the other personality exacted on my world, but there are clues. The reconstruction isn’t perfect. Far from it. But the inclusion of this personality in my life has been crucial to me approving the usage of the same mechanisms he used to destroy my world – to make me feel good – to have fun – and to enjoy some vices I otherwise may not have enjoyed or been aware I had to enjoy before,” I said.

“Now here’s the trip: Am I, by living my dreams, the personality that destroyed my own world?,” I said.

No one was saying a word.

“The answer is: Who knows?,” I said.“Sometimes you just let others do what they enjoy doing because you’re bored of doing what you do, knowing full well it will come right back at ya when they’re done with it.”

“Tomorrow you go on your first random journey,” I said.

“I hope I. The real me in 2016 is where you wind up. If there ever was a time for Scotty to beam me up, it’s now,” I said.

“What about your defense system?,” Spencer said.

“Down, Spencer, which makes it a good time to try,”  I said.



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