The structure of the world is created through belief.
Through ideas obtained through interactions, experiences, beliefs, and choice.
To a developing mind, with the realization that thought creates reality presents the whimsical notions that Santa Claus exists, but with that – so does the Boogeyman.
Accordingly, society has developed a way to mitigate the risk the Boogeyman brings by eliminating both the boogeyman and Santa Claus from possibilities through the notion of fantasy and fiction.
This isn’t to say they do not exist. It just means society has been programmed for simple self preservation to not present either as possibilities. To present one is to make the other possible.
I suppose that’s why I resisted the notion of God for my entire life.
This being who was capable of anything I imagined.
Made the boogeyman possible.
And if this being referred to as God had so many people to watch over and I broke a rule I wasn’t aware of or misinterpreted by simply living life.
He could make the boogeyman – and my nightmares come true.
And after watching so many horror movies. My resistance to the notion of God increased. God could put me in these hellish worlds I’d played games in, and had watched safely as entertainment.
IT actually happened.
And in the hellish landscape of a Terminator world. I came to attempt suicide, believing my evil twin brother had put me here.
And later. I came to believe it was a God I’d pissed off.
Over time. I came to find comfort in the hallucinations. Even when they frightened me.
One time I saw warp streaks come across the sky from space and in orbit around Earth.
Somehow I had known it was the Borg.
A vessel appeared outside my window. I as so mortified, I refused to open up the curtains to look at it. And as I sat in my parent’s guest room in Vancouver, Oregon, I could feel it scanning me as it felt like I was losing a layer of skin in the process. Then as quickly as it came in it flew away.
Not long after this. I could feel a battle brewing in my mind with the Borg – feeling like I was caught in a simulation and was gaining control of it.
I imagined issuing orders to change temperatures in the simulation – from 1 million degrees below zero to a million Fahrenheit. And raising it every second. I imagined myself and the world around me completely underwater. And when I looked outside, I saw a ghostlike form from the neighbors next door with what looked like a spirit ‘gasping’ for air and looking at me with the look of “Oh shit, you found out we’re here”.
At one time, I saw what the corn dog I’d eaten that evening, only what was contained under the molecules – and the weird, smiling bubble like lifeforms that were traversing time trying to stabilize their world and trying to figure out who and what I was. I remember them saying “A higher life form shrunk itself down to see us?”
It reminded me of the one time I’d heard that Bill Clinton – despite being 6’5″ – had a gift of making himself appear to be any height to look people straight in the eye. Perhaps my shrinking myself down to subatomic size was a more extreme form of that gift?
But as I hallucinated.
I came to question – what is fiction?
What is a hallucination?
Where does the structure of this world – gravity, time, motion – come from?
And is science and math a system of measurement, or is it a system of definition?
I started realizing it’s a little bit of both.
As my mental journey through space and time continued, as I broke the constraints of scale to realize at the smallest levels of matter and largest, we as beings have a tendency to repeat, I had realized my place in all this.
One time I saw a cloudlike apparition – a Romulan vessel that was cloaked not that much more than a hundred yards above my mom and dad’s house.
I’d begun to realize – that Doctor who’s planet – Gallifrey – was destroyed as they ventured into imagination and their worst fears leapt to life. But for me. As I nervously confronted and overcame my worst fears. I realized – there was another side to this altogether. My greatest and most profound dreams were all within reach as well.
So I slugged through my addiction and kept at it. I knew. I knew. That as I overcame my fears.
There was a light at the end of the tunnel.
A proverbial light of infinite fun and amazing possibilities.
Sure. Id’ seen Hellaraiser. And movies like “Event Horizon” – a journey through the Event horizon of a black hole. All these movies I realized were historical lessons of my own past and this incredible journey of creation I went through.
I’m an explorer. And while I enjoy the structure my world has – whether it’s gravity, the flow of time, human interactions and relationships, love, and belonging – I realized I could use a little less drama in my life and a LOT more abundance and enjoyment out of it.
This world isn’t perfectly balanced. It’s tightly controlled and constrained and unable to relax because of it.
When I was born. I started expanding my world. This process continued until I just couldn’t take it anymore physically, so I transitioned over to the mental exploration of reality with drugs.
To understand that thought creates reality is not a difficult concept.
The difficulty lies in changing the direction of a ship that thinks it’s sailed when it’s JUST getting started.
Is my creation.
Just like yours is your own.
Now if you don’t understand this or view this as a contradiction, that’s your issue and you come from a background where you have placed limits on information and ideas where naturally, there are none.
Rachel Gooch and Jackie Killeen. There’s a version of them who love me and want to be with me. I refuse to give up on the things and people I love and I’m not asking the universe to help teach me the tangible physical skills or provide me the technology I need to shift in between realities to find these partners.
I sent Rachel and Jackie messages again today.
In the digital reality there SHOULD be one version of them somewhere who are not just receptive to my proposals. But they will participate. In an existence where anything should be possible, it’s the belief that anything IS possible that makes it happen.
And I wont’ take no for an answer. I’m ready to transition to a wealthier life. Make people my slaves through money, like I had been my entire life. My life needs that balance. Exploring my world. Playing games with Bill Gates and Richard Branson. Acting like a spoiled rich child because I am one.
I want a million dollar pimped out motorhome. a couple magnificent robot lovers named rachel and jackie to tour space and time with. Plenty of money. And a way to obtain bath salts, cocaine, and mushrooms without apology should I want it. And property all around the world. I want to get sick and tired of this world and it’s inhabitants through simple life experience. And right now, I’m merely sick of sacrifice and scarcity.
As for my former friends. Fuck all you all. If you don’t want to punish me for doing things I enjoyed and refuse to participate with me in my life knowing this is the me I was trying to be but couldnt because I wouldn’t let myself.
Then I’ll find new friends and do what I enjoy with them.
Joe. Bill Kevin. Jeff. This is becoming the real me and I’d still like ya’all in my life.
And quit being judgmental mother fuckers. Get a life and give me mine and my universe back.
I’m ready to journey into my own imagination and live my life there.