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The battle against my own mind

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I haven’t really told anyone this…

But on the final few months I was battling my addiction to cocaine and bath salts…

I had been actively experiencing a battle with my own mind and something that felt very real to me that was attacking me from the outside.

There’s a saying by René Descartes which says “I think, therefore I am”

And among the reasons I maintained my addiction to these substances was simple.

My mind was breaking free from something that had my mind contained in an egg like shell.

I could feel it.

Now off and on because of lack of sleep, I had been experienced what others might classify as hallucinations. But as I broke through mental barrier after mental barrier with these experiences, I started to realize – these weren’t fictional experiences.

I was exploring.

Mentally exploring.

Which had me trying to logically make sense of what I was seeing, feeling, and experiencing.

One day. As I went to do a line of bath salts, a particle leapt to life and transformed into that device I saw in the matrix that was in Neo’s stomach. I squashed it and threw it in the trash.

On more than a number of other occasions. A gnat would quite literally fly off my screen. I’d at first dismissed it as “I never saw it approach”, but there was more to it than that. That gnat had literally transformed from a piece of the screen.

What I began to suspect was happening was that my mind was causing the mutation of things around me.

I’d already seen evidence of the effects on other people’s behavior around me from the the cocaine and bath salts.

One time, I’d been watching the walls shift – an effect which reminded me of Star Trek episodes where time distortions were occurring. The walls would sometimes carry with them letters and languages I quite often didn’t recognize, but more than that, it was like they were shifting like they were tectonic plates.

But as things intensified. It became a little more directed.

One evening, I could feel thousands of things whispering at me at the same time. I could even see their tiny faces all whispering.

Another time, I saw how something labeled as “Jesus” was surrounded by thousands of televisions as he was pinned to a chair with his eyes pinned open as the chair rotated looking at all the televisions at the same time. Oddly, it actually looked like he’d done this to himself.

From this perspective I zoomed outside of it, to see there were planets connected to him, planets and more planets.

But they all looked cartoonish. like they’d been rendered by Bart Simpson.

Another time I saw things in the wall.

All these experiences were light. Weird. Playful at times.

One was deviantly sexual.

I actually saw this being masturbating ALL over the place as things quickly sprung to life. Statues created in his honor were in the center of his towns – all highly phallic – where little kids ‘masturbated’ the fountains for water.

I could see eyes of old men who had hid inside these fountains and stuck their ‘penises’ out for the children.

Underneath this environment was the aqueduct system, which was far more technologically complex than what was going on the grounds above. But this too was phallic, a penis was being electrified until it ejaculated which would then produce semen which provided the ‘water’ for the population above.

After this I read about the old Phoenix god Atum who was believed to have created the universe by masturbating…

Everything I’d read about this Atun was similar to what I saw.

But as this exploration of my own mine intensified.

I began to realize.

It’s turning into a battle.

I got images of the Borg in my head – and a fight with them which led to me reverse engineering their entire systems and then converting myself into energy to assimilate their technology, to disable any offensive devices they might target at me, and then to instantly reappear outside of them as if nothing ever happened as their disabled devices lacked effectiveness on me.

On this same night, I looked out my window when my parents weren’t home – and saw a number of streaks in the sky which appeared like vessels quickly coming out of warp. I ran out back, and saw a few more streaks.

A chill ran up my spine, as I had come to believe it was a real Borg invasion.

But my mind I knew was somehow connected to this..


At which point I issued a command in my head to ‘self destruct’

Something in me told me I’d seen this same event from another perspective a few years before.

There were 600,000 Borg and 13 vessels destroyed by this single command I issued with my own mind.

Over the next period of a few weeks, I’d seen a cloud which looked exactly like a a Klingon Vessel being pulled towards me. I’d seen a tethered line of ‘TARDISes’ – leading away from just behind my parent’s backyard in Portland where this mysterious noise and shack stood. A string of about 6 of these things, cloud form with a cloud line coming from each – stretching off into space.

Another night, I saw plane crashes in my mind. Like the area I was in was crashing plane after plane after plane right over my parent’s neighborhood.

It was about then I saw cities ‘run’ across the continent.

And then I saw tiny versions of the grim reaper.

A little girl surrounded by two tallish figures who held her hands out trying to heal her land.

And this being.. Jesus again, who was amidst a crumbling digital looking version of Earth.

As I experienced these things.

And more.

I began to realize.

This was my truth.

I’d spent much of my life trying to understand god, why I was here, and creation itself.

And the stories I saw.

Only a part of the amazing picture of what ‘went into’ this thing I call reality.

Was me having to win a war against my own mind.

For one purpose.

To give meaning to it all.

Now I’m not asking you or anyone reading this about how existence itself is a product of a wild and crazy imagination of yours truly. Because being completely sincere, I invite you to doubt me because you will ultimately come to experience your own version of creation as have I.

My mind is freed because I was ready to absolve myself of responsibility for my choices.

Does your God exist? Being sincere. I think so.

but am I God?

Sure. That’s one way to think of me. But I prefer Q. It rolls off the tongue better.

I’m in a world of fantasy. Of make believe. I sincerely hope that I’m surrounded by Borg, Terminators, Dalek, the Boogeymen, and all the things I used to fear because, let’s face it, to know that I did this all for you to exist and because you all needed better stories delights me to no end.

With good guys shooting up the world. And justifying holy wars for whatever excuse they can bring about.

The abominations need representation. And better stories.

You do.

And I love knowing you’re real.

You see.

I think.

Therefore I am.

And therefore you are.

It really doesn’t get simpler than that.

And those experiences I saw and went through mentally.

Was like a recording of how it all came about.

Look, I know it’s possible to put a virus in my mind which ultimately has me fighting against myself.

Ultimately this winds up in fusion.

So when I ask for Rachel and Jackie.

I know you all wanted leadership and someone with the balls to tell you what to do.

I’m telling you. So why are you pretending you can’t hear me when I know you’re there?

Jackie. Rachel. Tell me you don’t like the idea of someone taking charge with you?



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