When I obtained my MBA back in August of 2009, I had sincerely planned on more interesting, engaging, and lucrative career opportunities would be presented to me as a result of the education. I had chosen Thunderbird – a very reputable international university not as focused on the financial reward as I was if I had chosen another MBA program, but I was focused more on personally fulfilling and engaging opportunities…
With the cost of the school topping $120,000.00 US Dollars, I had also expected the opportunities presented to be commiserate with my education, experience and pay.
Put specifically. I expected a pay raise.
At the time, I’d been making $94,000.00 a year.
Government salary, horrible I know, what do you expect?
Contract and consulting, I was getting anywhere between $35 an hour to $125 an hour.
So the expectation was – the quality of the the jobs I was offered would get better, and compensation – whether that was a higher base salary, or it was higher contract wages – would go up accordingly.
This, would translate to a better quality of living.
Not only has that not happened. But my quality of life has declined substantially. I’m not living out of a tent.
Sure, I don’t have to deal with high blood pressure issues any longer, nor do I have an addiction to amphetamines any longer, which was the only way I was able to sustain the work demands I had before.
But with the $140,000.00 in debt I have, realistically I face wage garnishment or my bank accounts frozen should I take a job for what I was making before all this started which would have me living out of a tent again and working for absolutely nothing.
I’m not filing bankruptcy because I owe those who placed their faith in me to repay them. It’s a cop out, to me at least, to try to absolve myself of debt I know I owe. I just wouldn’t feel good about walking away from it.
And it’s not that I don’t want to work.
I worked my ass off for a cushy job and an permit to enter a higher standard of living and thus a higher class status.
And that’s something I absolutely deserve.
Not that I give a rat’s ass about class or status, but let’s face it, there’s something to be said about being able to go anywhere, anytime, and not having to worry about living with artificially limited means.
So this message goes to the Universe.
This entry’s about more of those incessant emails I keep receiving which often make no sense.
I’d rather be homeless than go back to this nonsense you keep sending.
Not only are you not offering me anything I haven’t done, in many cases you’re offering me things that are copy pasted right from the experience listed on my resume which doesn’t just feel like a joke, it’s insulting.
But before I get to all that.
Last week I received an email from a company wanting someone to do Top Secret work in Chantilly Virginia.
Now if you’re not aware. Chantilly, Virginia, is the home of the Central Intelligence Agency’s (CIA) primary headquarters as well as some major support organizations such as their University.
Being sincere, I’d love to work with the CIA one of these days AS a director or the like, that WOULD be considered a promotion from my prior roles, but not before receiving payment in full for my government services rendered for the NSA – 8 million + the 3 million they drained from my accounts + a little padding as interest + a little more as a formal apology for the mistreatment of me after I quit.
But to the email:
The email was clearly from an organization that represented the CIA or was a front company, so I responded with a cordial but frank:
“Thank you for your interest, but if the CIA is interested in partnering with me, then have them contact me directly”
Now on to the emails for jobs I just don’t want:
- FIRST on the list is a job for Principal Architect for Next Generation Video Services from MLAM@kforce.comBeing completely sincere, let me draw an analogy for this job.It’s essentially a job building bigger pipes for a world that already has a lot of pipes in it. Big ones. Small ones. Ones that turn at 90 degree angles. Ones that minimize the flow. Ones that don’t spill, ones that intentionally do. Heck we have pipe standards on how certain pipes fit together. And then there’s deviations to those standards based on the vendor I purchase my pipes from. Each vendor supplies pipes that don’t always fir the other vendor’s pipes. There’s community attempts to standardize pipe design to encourage new pipe competition to enter the field. Invariably, if there truly is competition, the big pipe vendors will gobble those smaller pipe vendors up, so as an architect of pipes, the decisions are countless.And in the end, I’ll probably be fired for doing my job too well and my money taken from me anyways, so what’s the use?
Oh. One funny note. Must have “Strong Presentation Skills (Will be giving Presentations to C-Level)”
Seriously? I have YET to have ONE C level person I worked with in the past come and thank me. They act like they’re afraid of me.
Me. Little ole homeless guy sitting in a Starbuck’s in Studio City. What would they have to fear with me?
I wonder if they even remember me.
So the attempt on this email to bump up the influence of this position is nil. Most CEOs are embedded and fearful of their own shadows. Not a single one of them who you make look good will ever give you public credit for the work you’ve done when you make them look good.
Years ago, there was a CEO by the name of Steve Fisher who personally handed out paychecks for every one of his employees when he could, which was about once every other month. When bonuses came, he handed out the bonus checks.
Steve Fisher’s company – Space Data – was later acquired by a consortium led by Dave Thompson – and renamed Orbital.
We saw David Thompson once. And that was the company meeting which announced who he was. And that was it.
Pay checks were handed out by our office area managers from that point forward.
Now I was yelled at by Steve once. Invited to the President/CEO’s office where I had my ass handed to me.
But not long after, as if to say “I appreciate you trying though”, I was given a promotion. Steve Fisher had asked around and learned a bit more about me, and then personally worked with that manager to open up a role I would enjoy more.
I consulted too long. I can tell that already. And trying to find an innovative home company to call my own, one I can feel as proud of working with and for as I did Orbital is I suppose where I want my life to go. It’s not that I don’t want to work.
It’s that I want what i do to have meaning to me.
To take me to places – intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally – where I want to go.
Orbital would be a perfect fit to return to as a Director if I could work alongside people like Tod, Doug, Dick, and the gang again, along with bringing along some new friends like Ron and Bill and more if they’d resume talking to me – to build reusable space launch vehicles and compete with Richard Branson and the SpaceX program and NASA itself.
Heck. Eventually to build our very own starship and warp drive.
Orbital, if it supported me, would be the perfect company to work for and with again.
No matter. That’s irrelevant and not going to happen. Angry homeless programmer who’s getting more and more pissed off at a world which refuses to give the one native American who dared to dream after JFK simply wants more of the same – only – MORE.
Jesus I am Native American, aren’t I? I never thought about it that way.
Here’s the job that’s technologically more, but building bigger data pipes for video just sounds uninteresting .
Refer to the above analogy of pipes to understand why.
Overall, the USE of the technology seems interesting. The implementation of this as an architect seems like it would be about as much fun as watching grass grow. And while the use seems interesting, it’s nothing more than higher resolution streaming. Potentially interesting if applied to Virtual Reality networks, but with this being devoted to 4k, it’s merely streaming video .
Unless, of course, this was streamed in paired streams, with adjacent 4k streams and then it could be used as dual stream form of VR much like a blue ray stream. Personally, I wouldn’t take the job, but I’d advise the architect to focus on paired streams for real time Oculus VR Streaming.Combining two separate feeds into one stream, one left eye, one right eye, with 4k resolution for each eye.
You’re gonna have to focus on the way the eye receives information, there’s a slight – miniscule delay between the left eye and right eye, which will absolutely need to be taken into account to find a way to synchronize your signal based on this time sensitive delay. The net result of not building this into the system is – you’ll be responsible for seizures and brain related ailments because the brain – out of the box – doesn’t know how to interpret simulated reality versus the real thing. And if you’re providing frame issues from the start, you’ll confuse it even more, which will cause epileptic fits and worse – follow that logical path of having de-synchronized imagery being fed to the brain.
NOW keep this in mind as a feature. Not all 4k feeds will be paired. But if paired, the paired have to be received in a time sensitive way. Lag I think the brain is used to dealing with, but frame mismatch it will not as this is also used as a form of redundancy checking and validation.
- Second on the list is Financial Advisor.There’s two jobs I have consistently received offers for since the internet job boards came online back in 1999.One is insurance sales. The other is financial advisor.
I HAD friends who have done this. One, Jeff Kleinman, still does Insurance sales and he’s damned good at it.
But being clear. I don’t want to manage someone else’s money. Managing my own stressed me the hell out as it was, to what end, to have it all taken away. Because of that, I dont want to be an investment banker, I don’t want to be involved in stocks and securities unless I’m playing with them by myself for myself . And advising people on how to invest their money seems…
FINE and dandy for someone fresh out of school with no experience. But with someone who spent 30 years in Information technology who was working with C level executives, AND had a couple million in the bank himself.
NO. I mean. GOD know I don’t want an entry job like this.
Despite having said this at least a couple hundred times concerning similar job offers before, and at least ten times from this company alone, how can I get it through to you to QUIT SENDING ME THIS SHIT!
So to JJ Polwrek <email@example.com>
NO I DONT WANT YOUR GOD DAMN JOB!
For reasons why, read the above.
On a final note. This email claims to be a response to my resume on Monster.com.
I specifically posted in the title “Science fiction Writer”.
Sometimes I feel like the best looking woman in a bar and these are all the men using their worst pickup lines.
- Mailbox Migration Engineer.Oh I get it. You’re all practical jokers and pulling my leg, right?No, seriously, you can’t be serious about this. I work all over the world – Singapore, Hong Kong, London, Paris. I pull Wells Fargo out of one of the most potentially profound outsourcing fiascos that’s ever confronted the company AND caught hackers trying to steal $2 billion which NEVER graced the news because of yours truly all to be offered ..
Mailbox Migration Engineer.
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
Look. Don’t mistake my desire to breathe and not be stressed for a living for a desire to be lulled to certain brain death by doing the most profoundly uninteresting work you can find. IF I took a gig like this. I’d claim I was working, and sit in my office and play games all day or task subordinates to do things unrelated to the actual assignment.
SO NO, Rexaline V <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I don’t want to be a mailbox migration engineer.
Jesus fucking Christ.
- C++ Developer – Melbourne – FL – Contract Job OpportunityI had to crack up. Sukwhinder, clearly a joke name. Get it? Suck Wind (er)? Its kinda funny. In a weird Qish kinda way.Now are you familiar with mail merge and mail templates?
What happens is a database with pre-canned information is used to populate a pre-written template. Typically the mail merge fields are pretty easy to spot, they will often be bold, and if the template’s seen some age, sometimes the template fields will truncate text and limit it to a certain number of characters.
Making the result look and feel like “Mad Libs”
Ever played those?
So in Careerbuilder’s case, this is a monstrous fail and a peek behind the curtain to see how Careerbuilder works and provides the false appearance of activity when there’s really nothing going on.
Team 5 <email@example.com>
My bet is. It’s a fake company with a 5 day / temporary domain forwarder.
And the job’s completely bogus to begin with. It’s clearly a mail merge from a database, leveraging database names, database job titles, combined with database locations (Florida in this case) – to create the false front appearance of a ‘unique’ job offer that’s available.
Careerbuilder does this to make it look like there’s more available than there really is, which increases subscription numbers, which increases demographical composite information for participants which then allows them to artificially inflate costs for advertising and subscriber services.
This is much the reason I get jobs that are matched on my skillset. It’s easy to do correlation of a keyword on my resume to a skillset in the database and from there draw references to like or similar skills based on a weighted algorithm to build these custom job profiles which ‘look and feel almost real’.
But most aren’t real employers at all.
In any case. I don’t want it even if it was real, which is a remote possibility, as this matches, 100%, my resume’s experience but would offer nothing new and exciting and sincerely don’t want to program.
You did read my objective, right? To work on board a Starship…. I’m being sincere.
And just in case you didn’t realize this.
I dig new and exciting. I mean, I did after all do cocaine for nearly 6 years.
- Software EngineerWhen I first got into coding for the corporate world, way back in 1990 working on rockets, flight systems, Guidance and Navigation, and GPS code, most of what I did was test, but I did get to do a good deal of work in Motorola Assembler, C, and some very limited C++.I wasn’t that good at it. At least I didn’t think I was. And quite frankly, I really didn’t enjoy bit twiddling and embedded systems work which is why I shifted to application development with my career.
That was.. let’s do the math 2016 – 1993 (the last year in that line of business) = 23 years ago.
I mean. Come on people. Are you even interested in trying to provide me something new?
When I say “Holodeck Programmer”, do you not understand what virtual reality is, let alone how far removed it is from hardware and more engaged with the (human) customer experience it actually is?I feel like we’re regressing here.
In any case, Vasim Saiyed <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I do NOT want this crap. Please remove me from your mind and memory banks and core.
- Director — HR Solutions : Sunnyvale, CAFINALLY, we have SOMETHING that seems in line with my qualifications and career trajectory.But being sincere. The job sounds boring. And even if I did apply, I wouldn’t hear back. All my resumes fall into a black hole. So given the level of interest I have (near nominal), combine that with the probability that I will hear back, the net result for a role like this is:
Dont even try. And look at it. And say “Appreciate it. But it sounds like a lot of work and I deserve better.”
I suppose that’s what an MBA and 30 years experience do. It creates a little bit of self serving attitude. I would truly rather be homeless than working my ass off in a role like this that’s a limited step up from the last role I had only to wind up with another addiction to bath salts and a second slice on my wrist from trying to commit suicide because of being worked overworked and not having enough time for me.
I deserve job on board a starship instead of this as this sounds VERY boring and a lot like what I used to do anyways…
Here’s this job requisition from Satyavrat Mahapatra <email@example.com> that I am not interested in:
HOLODECK PROGRAMMER. KAPISHE?
- Software Integration EngineerAgain. With these engineering level positions. I’ve spent the last 30 years doing engineering and related work, and the last 20 professionally doing it. I’m done with a capital D with this crap.I don’t understand. Do these people not understand that having something on your resume means “This is where I came from” and NOT “This is where I want to go?”
It’s retarded. I mean. Mentally deficient retarded. When technology and the IT industry was domestically led, it made sense, but with so many foreigners here, it’s changed SO substantially since 2001, that it’s weird.
This is all making me feel like I need to lie on my resume. To put experience I want to receive. And submit that to Careerbuilder instead. But the problem with that is, I won’t be able to answer the interview questions nor would I have references to check out so I’d be shooting myself in the foot for lying. So I prefer telling the truth, and scratching my head saying…
Even before. I never really lied on my resume. I’d had experience at home before I worked professionally with computers by playing around at home with disassembler and C. I’d had experience developing my own little test programs before ever taking a corporate gig.
SURE. i would embellish a bit and maybe exaggerate dates a little. a year experience in C++ might have been a year playing with it at home and on the job for fun with my own little pet projects. They didn’t ask for quality of experience, but I certainly wasnt lying.
This is bizarre.
In any case, Rahul Ambhore <Rahul.Ambhore@ARTECHINFO.COM>, I have no desire of getting back into embedded programming or the like. It really feels boring to think about.
On a secondary note. A LOT of these companies feel like they are advertising themselves more than they are actually providing a real service. Faux front, to some degree, like they dont actually have the roles they are offering and they are more interested in simply making their name known.
It almost feels like “The Truman Show” at times, where the housewife is holding up the bottle of soap to an invisible camera saying “Look what I bought today, honey”, to which he’s finally catching on that he’s on a show as his eyes gloss over and says “That’s greeeatttt honey”, before finally breaking down one time screaming at her saying “WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO”
I ask the same thing with you, Rahul. Who in THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO as I KNOW IT’S NOT ME WITH THIS SHIT!
Here’s that req:
- Sr.Windows/ VMware Engineer in Minneapolis,MNAnother one from the company known as eteam. I’ve received 5 separate emails from them in the last 3 days, each with equally as boring positions that have absolutely no respect for my career trajectory, education, experience, and goals.Rajan Chaudhary <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Another foreigner. Where’s the caucasians’ working in IT? Is all America’s technical stuff being outsourced nowadays?
Can you say “Slow leak in the economy”
No wonder I’m homeless in my own country.
The people with hiring capabilities all have green cards and call their home a place outside the United States’s borders.
Here’s the Req:
- .NET Architect. ll Philadelphia, PA ll Full Time.The last job I got done with was at Wells Fargo, as Senior Enterprise Architect.A job, which incidentally nearly drove me insane. I had 8 different bosses, each with the title of “Vice President”, I had five direct report managers working for me, and 600 people within this organization I was leading architectural change on with nearly 60,000 concurrent users.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the challenge of working with a massive foreign exchange while at the same time day trading on my own while working from home through my Ameritrade account. It was a kick in the pants.
But let’s be clear. It ain’t something I EVER want to do again.
Ashutosh Choudhary Choudhary <a.Choudhary@tresourceinc.com>
Another person without a Caucasian sounding name… Oh the surprise.
Thank you, Bill mother fucking Gates for that.
In any case, Philadelphia might be interesting and all. But for a job where I’d be working 60+ hours a week and reporting to people who really don’t know their head from their asses who love their acronyms and rules and procedure but don’t give a rats ass about you?
NO thank you!
- Kroger Foods – unknown title.This one’s from Kylynn Harris <email@example.com>, and comes it looks like based on my resume I had on my blog.Being sincere. While I respect Kroger and occasionally do buy their products, they’re a substandard and inexpensive brand that’s fine if you want to be associated with cheap and generic knockoffs, but that just ain’t yours truly and not what I want to associate myself with.
I’ll get to that…
They say beggars can’t be choosers, but I disagree and here’s why:
1) Living in a tent, I pay no bills and have no housing expenditures. Accordingly, I can hold out for as long as I feel like for the job of my dreams.
2) Homeless people are considered crazy anyways. So as I turn down everything under the sun waiting for the perfect position, people will just dismiss my lack of commitment as irrational and crazy. Works perfectly in my opinion.
3) Women don’t want or try for me. In fact, to women, I flat out don’t exist. I can’t even register as homeless on eharmony.com or match.com that’s how much open discrimination occurs against males who are homeless. This works to my benefit. No money, no dates, no women, no obligation or inspiration or heck – any desire to contribute to pooled resources. Easy smeasy.
Kroger, this is NOT to say I don’t respect ya. I do. Just not enough to want to work for or with you.
Unless… And here’s to all you all who claim this homeless guy is lazy (yep) and doesn’t look for work or want to change his situation. I DO submit resumes about once every month now. But not just for any job. For jobs I REALLY think have cool and fun potential.
Let’s take Kroger as a for instance. They operate Ralph’s – which I visit regularly.
It tries to be a lot of things but doesn’t succeed at any one thing other than making a great deal of money without any strong brand recognition. Does this mean they are doing something right? Sure. Gobbling up other franchises and organizations which have made a name for themselves, absolutely. But as for being different. Not one bit.
So IF I’d work for Kroger. I’d want to play with branding as CMO (Chief Marketing Officer). Customize the customer experience for the local market. I enjoy the food, and being a connoisseur of fine food, why not take a location like Studio City and make the customer experience more upscale? Bring in some exotic foods and offerings alongside the existing fare to justify the higher prices Ralph’s already charges.
And who better to go locate these exotic potentials around the world than yours truly?
Theme the Ralphs. Change the theme every once in a while to toss it up and make it interesting. Don’t just change aisle locations and layout.
In any case, I’m responding to the email with my offer. as what they offer sounds really, really dull and like a laundry list of skills you’ve acquired from a list but don’t have the first clue what they actually mean.
On a final note about Kroger: NO, putting the client first does not make you different. You wouldn’t be in business if you weren’t trying in some capacity to put the client/customer first. Sure, there’s benefit to you, your stakeholders, your executive team, and your staff, but in the end, if you aren’t selling something the client and customer want, then you wouldn’t be in business…..
On a secondary final note, here’s my reply to you directly on this.
If you’ll hire me as CMO and let me handle rebranding of the corporate image, I think we might be able to make something work…..
I’ll reply accordingly.
Here’s the original:
I have had my resume on Careerbuilder for nearly 10 years now. And I change it frequently – not just to include new skills, but also to include changes in my own career motivations.
Being totally sincere. Yes, I do want to work on a Starship and quite frankly I don’t care if that sounds like I’m crazy.
Many people called JFK crazy and he got shot for asking a nation to go to the stars.
Maybe I’m JFK crazy. Maybe not.
All I know is. I DESERVE better work offers and a better life than I’ve had to endure. Better relationships. Better dating. Better everything.
And as far as I’m concerned I have one life to fit EVERYTHING in. I don’t get do-overs. I don’t get a next life. I’ve had abject poverty more than the vast majority on this planet will ever experience in their life and any others. I’ve lived middle class and middle upper class too.
NOW it’s time I’m either offered something so exceedingly cool for work.
Or I continue taking the time to figure out how Q does what he does in Star Trek. And how I can do that for real.
Let’s be clear about this.
I WILL achieve success in becoming like Q in this lifetime.
YOU as a collective society have it in your power to provide me a reason to delay my inevitable departure from your planet if you wish by providing upper class and fun opportunities for me and a reason to want to get out of living in a tent and back into your world.
It’s up to you, planet Earth. I love you and all.
Offer me something worthy of my education, experience, and expectations, and I’ll achieve miracles.
i always do.