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Emotions

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Armin Van Buren has a remix of the song “Sound of the Drums” by Laura Jansen.

There’s a part in the song that has this evokes this deep sense of loneliness and hopelessness that resonates within me, almost as if it’s a reminder of who I once was and why I do what I do.

Oh don’t get me wrong.

I know I am alone in the universe and I am the one who pulled the wool over my own eyes, effectively reprogramming my own memories and senses to forget who I was if for a brief moment of time.

I’m no longer sad though.

I listen to songs like this.

Or the theme song to the Terminator not as march songs of what I want to return.

But instead reminders of who I once was.

Songs carry with them emotion.

Emotion I have chosen to leave behind.

I can listen to Extreme’s “More That Words” and it takes me back in time to a place of anger, of jealousy, of rage and such excruciating emotional pain with my first wife, Donna, that the song… The song is what let me move on and displace those emotions just long enough for me to mentally move on and move forward.

I know that the woman I decided to marry – Donna – is no longer on my planet, at least the conscious being I once knew.

I know that in marrying me, from her perspective we had a long and loving marriage, and I had remained with her until the end.

And in the end, I saw her pass away.

And moved on.

As I always do.

I can feel these memories through the music.

The song “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse.

I know Jackie is no longer on my planet. The conscious being I had known has long since moved on. That’ why this robotic replacement of her personality resists collaborating with me. The single fundamental flaw I made was assuming I’m not alone in my universe.

I have the memories of the conscious moments we shared to relive in a song we shared which let me move on from her.

But did I ever move on?

Truly.

No. And I have found I have to be fine with that.

I made choices in this life prior to this point and many of those choices led to regrets and remorse, intentionally, so that way – when I had nothing to move forward to, I could learn how to move back and spend time making up for the moments I intentionally chose to regret and make poor choices.

That and when I wasn’t making choices to alter my regrets. I could move back and choose enjoy the fun and fulfilling moments as well.

My own form of balance. Doing things to set things right – based on negative motivators. And doing things out of positive and uplifting emotions.

The Terminator song takes me to the desert one day in 2010 when I sat crying off to the side of the road as I unsuccessfully had tried taking my own life with a Swiss Army knife in the middle of a landscape that looked like it was straight out of the Terminator movie.

Songs. Like movies. Like Books. Like Many games. Are among my living memories.

Songs. Like a smell. Like a touch. Can instantly take me anywhere in time to remember things I’d long since forgotten.

Songs. Like a book. Can tell a story, and in the instant that story is told, it can remind me of things that I’d tucked away and hidden from myself from a time so, so, so very long ago, my limited human imagination could not comprehend it.

These songs. Provoke imagery. And are like snapshots of periods of times in my life which struck me with such powerful or necessary emotional force that I literally could not move on from these forces until something ripped me from these moments which I clung to like a child clinging to a blanket.

But I chose to retain them for a variety of reasons.

I can’t help but enjoy the feeling these songs bring me to at times, as they are among the few times I have actually felt alive.

But disassociation is the only way I had at one time chosen to move forward.

To continue expanding existence as I knew it through disassociation until mentally I couldn’t take it any longer and needed a break.

With Rachel. I suspect I was married to her at one time.

Then on ‘another pass’ of reality I was the man she had the affair with.

Did she cheat on me when I am the man she had the affair on AND with?

Does anyone else understand time and my own life like I do?

I suspect not. And I suspect things ‘external to me’ have been trying to apply their filters, experiences, and biased comprehension to understanding my life and choices, when it was rigged to begin with. I’m beginning to think it’s impossible to ever truly understand another. So you simply choose to enjoy the moments you have. Even if that means revisiting those moments.

On April 5th, 2063, the United States of America will make first contact with actual aliens from another planet in Bozeman, Montana as a man by the name of Zefram Cochrane will be the first to warp space which will be detected by these aliens passing by a nearby system.

I have something to look forward to in this lifetime, and I expect to live a very long life by any measure.

This event is still 63 – 16 = 47 years away, which means I will be nearly 94 years of age by the time this happens.

I intend on making myself appear and feel like I am 29 years of age well before then.

I have already started a conversation with these beings, and they are fully aware of who I am, despite their doubting nature, but we – we – have something to prove to eachother.

First, history does not have to repeat itself, and second, that there are things beyond anything we either can mutually imagine which is what makes our mutually dependent yet independent lives worth living and what makes this date of historical significance to both our species.

I will be leaving this planet with them when they make first contact.

What we do and where we go from there, the options are wide open.

I am hoping they will consider the implications of my past to understand how it wouldn’t be violating any rules of uniqueness they might have by providing me company which looks and feels like someone I once knew.

Microsoft did, after all, did win the lawsuit for look and feel against Microsoft.

Hopefully that translates to your universe.

Time. And the relationships have served to benefit you so far. If you truly believe in this thing called balance, then you understand why I’m not asking for anything other than a token of your trust of me and my planet’s partnership with you.


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