Would I ever do cocaine if I had the right opportunity approach me again?
Of course I probably would, given the right circumstances.
But wait. there’s more.
What is it like doing cocaine?
I had a woman I talk to regularly named Brenda ask me that the other day.
Brenda, incidentally, gave me a Tommy Bahama shirt and a button up one and a couple pair of jeans the other day.
Thank you, Brenda!
“You know that feeling you get on a roller coaster, the feeling of excitement and exhilaration?,” I responded
“I hate that feeling,” she said
I thought for a moment. I wasn’t trying to convince her to try it or anything. I just may have framed the experience wrong.
“Ok. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?,” I asked.
“No way. Never,” she responded.
“Then you probably wouldn’t like it like I did. It’s about like that, that feeling is sustained for 3 to 4 hours.”
I could see she was thinking and I knew her next question.
“Yes, I would absolutely do it again. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. The difference between now versus when I did it last is I’d do it only with someone I knew and trusted, and I wouldn’t do it while I am homeless, period. I have the self checks in place to not allow myself to get addicted again and while I can’t afford it as a homeless guy, I just don’t want to do it. I like having my mind.”
“DO you trust yourself?,” she said.
“Yep. To me it is like flying a plane now. Not something I want to do all the time, I’ll leave the flying to the experts, but here and there, it’s fun to do just to experience the sensations I otherwise wouldn’t feel.”
The conversation between Brenda and I ended there.
But in my mind it kept going.
“Self-checks?” she asked, ” what self checks?”
I could tell she was incredulous anyone could do illicit drugs and actually maintain control of themselves.
“Well last time, there were many cues I ignored as I enjoyed the addiction too much. Cues that eroded how I felt about myself beyond just my own physical and mental health – it wound up taking a toll on my image which I do regret.”
“Like what?” she asked, genuinely curious.
“First I began to feel bloated. I’d already been struggling with my weight problems as it was, but I felt tremendously bloated, which made my weight concerns and stress about my weight even worse. Second. random nose bleeds. Quite embarrassing, I might add, so I used my allergies as an excuse to cover up the problem I was having with self control. Third, I found myself ‘hiding out’ a lot, leaving work at lunch time to go do a line claiming I had errands to run to my girlfriend, or ditching the friends I’d planned on meeting up on a Friday night in favor of spending a night tweaking and surfing porn and masturbating.”
“I heard sex is great with it,” she genuinely did say in person, not judging.
“Sex is amazing with it. Particularly when the other person is doing it too, something I never really understood,” I had genuinely responded to her comment.
“You think those cues would stop you from becoming addicted again?,” she said, in my imaginary conversation afterwards.
“I actually do. I enjoy the feeling, like I do with a lot of things I do in life, but it’s like anything, if you obsess over it – the obsession can become unhealthy to you and/or to those around you. With cocaine, that obsession is just not worth the consequences of taking it as far as I did, but like a roller coaster, is certainly worth exploring should ‘the structure’ of the opportunity appear amenable in the future.”
She’s a business woman, and in my imagination responded with “Mitigating your risks. But where’s the insurance?”
“The single personal rule I’d make moving forward,” I responded to my imagination, “to not do drugs alone next time. Once I started down that path, that’s when the problems began to introduce themselves.”
I didn’t tell her I still had the desire to have an attractive woman like Jackie and Rachel together sniff cocaine off my hard cock and lick off the residue when they were done. My imagination already knows that’s a goal anyways, and with how good the sex is, it should have made itself obvious.
I just had to work up the courage to allow myself to be a pervert and vocalize these things in a quasi-public forum moving forward.
The truth is, I wouldn’t admit this to her, even an imaginary version of her – but there’s a certain fear I have of becoming that man I decidedly did not like once I crossed that boundary of diminishing my publicly unacceptable image.
I was embarrassed.
I’d even taken a photo of myself in underwear and hung it on the mirror as if to plead with myself to “Stop!”
But I couldn’t.
I sincerely had no control over my own actions.
I had never in a million years imagined how powerful addiction was.
Had always thought I was ‘better than that’ and would overcome it in an instant.
I know now I was wrong.
But does knowing that I was wrong prevent me from taking that same action again?
No. heck no.
Why is that?
It’s simple, really.
I’m here in this life to enjoy it and the experiences it brings. Those experiences may introduce problems.
But what I came to realize with my drug induced experiences was this: Labels, while they may apply and be there for a reason, are a cautionary tale and may be placed on there by someone or something who doesn’t understand the experiences and doesn’t want to.
That’s fine for them.
“Do you think it should be legal?” Brenda asked in my imagination.
“Oh no. heck no. I think the way the feds and police agencies handle cocaine is perfect the way it is,” I responded to her thought.
It was then I thought of the Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous and why I did not like going.
The truth is and was, I’m not weak and I’m not broken, and AA and NA both replace one addiction to a physical substance with power over me with another. I just didn’t like saying I’m an addict day in day out when visiting these meetings and having to say I’m powerless when I’m not. Psychologically, why would I say I’m an addict when that’s who I was, but not who I am now.
Emotionally and logically, it didn’t make sense.
“If you could change anything about the experiences you had, would you?, “ she then asked.
I didn’t answer.
Because the one thing I would have changed would be to go back in time.
Introduce Jackie to Rachel.
Invite them both over one evening.
And be the devil I have always wanted to be with both of them and introduce Rachel to cocaine with Jackie.
I don’t live with regrets.
I plan with them.
Do you enjoy bungee jumping and skydiving? Flying planes and driving fast?
Not everyone does.
Especially Chinese. I know the roller coasters scare the crap outta them.
Planning a society around the least common denominator or average can and will lead to everyone looking the same.
Just look at Asians for proof of this.
Think about it.
The mind. Shapes the personalities and choices which shapes the face and the body.
Think the same and reinforce that group think through rules and law and disrespect the individual.
The net result becomes obvious.
Is your individuality.