Last night, I asked Bennett if he wanted to go to Burger King…
As of last week, I now have California Welfare benefits, which totals $189 for food only a month, and there are a handful of restaurants that take it, and I was under the impression Burger King was one of them…
So as he drove us down Lankershim, a road I have traveled frequently to get to the welfare office over the last because the 224 bus runs up it to Tujunga, we zipped through some construction in the road when I made the comment, based on a past observation.
“It’s funny. No matter where I go, construction begins within weeks.”
He responded with “Yeah, this road has been under construction for years. I have always wondered when they are going to finish it.”
We have had many discussions about our perceptual differences.
To which I responded.
“Interesting. For me, the construction began early last year”
It is not that we agreed to disagree.
We merely respected eachother’s individual experience.
Incidentally, the Burger King on Lankershim does NOT take EBTs, so I wasn’t able to splurge on a Saturday night dinner as I had planned, but I did have a couple bucks and ended up buying a Whopper. We should have hit In and Out if I knew I was going to pay with cash.
While sure, most of what goes on in the world around me is consistent with the people around me, I have found countless examples where my world and reality were starkly different than those around me.
When I found disjoint with my world and others, I was often accusatory or inflammatory.
Often with statements such as “Why are you lying?” or “What are you smoking?”.
After all, I believed in my experiences, so clearly they are the ones with the problem, right?
Logically, I was being naive and irrational. I had spent a lifetime acquiring experience. Learning perspective. Doing things, going places, acting and reacting, meeting people – encountering unique influences that no one was doing things the same thing as me – not with my precise cocktail mix.
So for Bennett’s observation of construction on Lankershim taking years, as I had experienced it, it was mere months, I thought back.
From Kena’s perspective, was the four years for me an entire lifetime to her?
Did our relationship not fall apart because of anything we did wrong, but because time and the world around me simply moves different for me than it does for the conscious minds of others around me?
Is this why I have been married three times? It’s so much easier to egotistically fault myself for the divorces rather than look at the obvious cues that we’re different creatures and time and space simply move different for me compared to Lisa, Donna, and Amy….
Consciously, had they lived an entire life from their perspective and is this why the relationships went from 0 to 100 at light speed, and then from 100 to idle in no time afterwards, and the marriages eroded as naturally as a mountain wears down to wind erosion over time at no fault of either party?
Out specifically – I suspect they think they were 20 year olds when we met, and when they moved on they thought they were 80.
I had even seen evidence of this later, when I met a woman who was Amy, my third wife’s twin in Portland 5 years after our divorce.
When we divorced, she was in her mid 30s.
Five years later, this woman who looked, acted, and even said “I remember you . We met sometime in the past, didn’t we?”
She was in her mid 80s.
Am I from an outside perspective… skipping through time?
Seven years ago, while working with Prudential, and dealing with a pretty awesome Quality Assurance guy named Jay, he reported a bug that had been classified as critical (the highest priority) with some of the code I had put together on the Real Estate portal.
The description was cryptic, and for the life of me I had no clue what he was talking about, and he worked on the third floor where there were a few cute women working which gave me an opportunity to get out of my cube and go visit him and have some visual entertainment along the way.
“Jay,” I said, “What the hell are you saying with this?” as I handed him a printout of the issue.
He smiled. “I figured I would see you on this one.”
He pulled up the web page, and proceeded to go to the last name box, and then typed in a string of random characters about 150 characters in length and the web page crashed, to which he’d have to restart the session.
It didn’t cause a problem with the server.
It was just an inconvenience to the nimrod who’d plugged in 150 characters into the last name box.
“Jay. I have a great fix for this. Don’t do that. Simple user education. Don’t plug garbage into the last name box.”
“But the system needs to check on that,” he responded.
It was the first time I had gotten irritated with Jay.
“Jay, the way you’re using the system is NOT the way 99.999% of the users are going to use it. Accordingly, you are going to see and experience things that are a simple waste of developer’s time to resolve, it’s like playing whack a mole. We have 500 open issues right now, 40 critical ones, and if I as a developer can’t tell the difference between a critical bug that takes the database down in the middle of the day while 60,000 people are logged into it versus a bug where a single user entering garbage into the system takes down their session, that leads me to believe you as a QA guy aren’t doing your job and setting appropriate priority.”
I received an ass chewing for that, later, but I refused to budge.
But over the last few years, I have realized my drug experiences were no less different than Jay’s pressing random keys and trying random shit out on that keyboard.
That is, Jay, you presented me an invaluable life lesson that I wonder now, were you trying to teach me self acceptance with my drug experiences? i can’t help but think that the real life equivalent of you pressing on random keys is me taking random chemicals which inevitably crashed my system.
And thus exposed me to a world around me I never knew existed….
Was this intentional on your part?
I do not know.
But when it comes to self acceptance.
While at the time you frustrated me to no end.
You presented an amazing opportunity for me to expand my own awareness and accept that what I experience, while it may be profound and meaningful to me, may be nothing more than fiction or hallucination or simply dismissed by another who does not share my world view.
And that’s ok..
Because right around the corner is someone who does understand and is willing to discuss the differences.
Rachel and Jackie. I don’t know how I know this. But I know both of you are reading. There’s things I know now I simply cannot explain why or how I know them. And for both of you. I know you’re both alone. And you’re promoting yourself as being with someone for whatever reason you have been.
With the way time works for me.
I hope you are both starting to understand my persistence in our relationship, because I suspect it works the same for you two as well.
There’s others like us out there.
Happy Valentine’s day to both of you wonderful women.