I have always had a difficult time approaching women.
This insecurity has been so profound, I have had to leverage things external to me in order to ease the discomfort.
What happens is simple: I have a million voices inside me which are all deeply fearful of the rejection.
Sure, I can hope for the best, but more often than not, women tend to be unkind in trivial conversation.
Take for instance two months ago, I complimented a young woman on her dress here in Starbuck’s. It made her look great. I wasn’t making a pass at her, I barely find her attractive so I was not even attempting anything sexual and was merely making a compliment to be nice, but her response was priceless:
Here I am, being nice, and what do I get?
This has pretty much always been the case for me, I approach a woman I am interested in OR I simply say something nice, and the response is frequently insulting.
Now alcohol and drugs have typically been the chief catalyst in easing the internal discomfort for my talking to women, and I can sincerely say are among the reason I am married three times.
Instead of hearing my little voices inside scream “here comes the rejection and insults”, alcohol or drugs momentarily silences them long enough for me to be in the moment, to enjoy the conversation, and if things wind up happening between me and the woman I am interested in, cool, and if not, the little voices inside can at a later time resume saying “Wow. We actually talked to her for an hour without being rejected”
Or “See, I told you so”
It is truly hit and miss sometimes but the voices rarely do anything but chastise me or compliment me based on what happened.
After my second divorce, I began questioning how I chose my partners…
Why did it consistently seem like I was getting partially fulfilled in all my relationships?
It’s then I religiously began using crutches for dating and meeting women.
I had already leveraged alcohol as crutch.
But I didn’t rely on it.
I couldn’t escape this deep-seated feeling of “What is wrong with me?”, and as I went down the road of question why were my marriages and relationships systematically falling apart…. I realized I needed to think differently, and began asking questions such as ‘am I not giving enough or being there in the relationships I am in?’
I knew I needed to overcome my fears.
But I sincerely didn’t know what those fears were associated with and why were they there….
I knew MUCH of the insecurity had to do with anticipation of sex.
But for me. Sex was something of an obstacle to getting to know a woman. To relaxing with her and simply enjoying the moments.
It was. Is. For all intents and purposes. Anti-climatic.
I have ALWAYS enjoyed what comes after sex more, which is a ‘relaxing of guard’ and subsequent companionship.
So I joined match.com, eharmony, lavalife, and a few other dating sites…. For no other reason other than to overcome rejection, and to understand females better.
At first I was working the dating sites much like I was playing a game, with the goal of simply trying to get laid. I knew I wanted to de-emphasize the importance of sex with relationship building, so this was my opportunity to get to understand what it was I really wanted and needed in a relationship, recognizing much of my insecurity in getting to know women was tied up in the anticipation of sex.
I started by reading the women’s profiles before creating my own on these sites.
Then I read the male’s profiles. To understand my competition.
From there, I started developing and optimizing dating profile and the words I would use to get a woman in bed as fast as possible.
I didn’t even have to lie, the qualities were already there to begin with, I just merely emphasized what I thought they were looking for.
I even kept an Excel Spreadsheet, and would try different things out on dates that I had never tried before just for the sake of trying.
I once had scheduled two dates at the same time. That didn’t go over so well. But back to back dates with one ending and the other one commencing right after it, with both women’s awareness – went over masterfully – as both women then felt they were in competition with eachother.
Another time, I took a woman to McDonald’s on the first date. Told her she had to order a Happy Meal.
She did. I got laid.
I dared myself, constantly, to try different things out. The goal with all of this wasn’t just to get laid, it was to overcome my insecurities and obstacles to understood what it was I truly wanted and needed in a relationship. I was, quite frankly, tired of dating and playing the field, but I figured if I was going to do it, I would have fun doing it.
And fun I had.
During that period of time, I’d become pretty good at having sex within three dates with a woman I was interested in.
But I’d also noticed my crutch: alcohol. Unfortunately, it took a couple drinks to make it easier to say the things I ‘needed’ to get what I wanted.
As I realized this. I started looking at the other crutches I had leveraged over the years with meeting women by asking myself the question: When I wasn’t drinking, where else was I meeting women?
Schools and college. By this point I had already met Rachel at University of Phoenix, but there were others who came before her – Jennifer Lucas, a girl I met and dated from Mesa Community College (MCC) and subsequently she moved from Phoenix to Vegas to become a stripper (I have that effect on women). There was Gaylene Richardson, who I also met at MCC, and like Rachel, she was married too, but I always justified married women as a single man by saying ‘its her choice how to treat her relationship’.
Throughout that period of time, I was trying to figure out:
What is it I do and don’t want from a woman?
But as I found out.
I was actually asking the question:
Who am I and what do I want out of life?
It really has been that profound a thinking shift not doing things for women.
I quit working. Knowing full well 99% of the women want a man with money, and the greater money he has, the more predictably disproportionate the attraction of women to men.
But I was also pursuing my prior career based not on what made me happy, but instead, because it was an optimized income source which magnified the most appeal to women.
In the end – what I learned by paying attention to women on the dating sites was simple:
Most women do not care if you as a man are happy.
Period end of story.
This is why they don’t mind the wife beaters. This is why they tolerate abuse. This is why they are attracted to wealth.
Women by and large seem to admire confident men more than anything and gravitate towards people who exhibit predictable measures of confidence.
This is what makes ‘them’ happy.
Somewhere in there I found me.
With the help of two women who I no longer think are merely women.
Rachel and Jackie.
One of these days I’m going to destroy the world.
I’ll make Hitler look like a schoolboy.
For no other reason other than I can.
In finding myself and separating who I was from the women I was most interested in.
I found my potential.
And my soulmate and perfect woman had been, the entire time, every woman I had ever been with.