Being completely sincere, I don’t think there’s anything anyone who reads these emails has the power to actually do…
My trajectory seems fixed. I’d like to participate economically as an upper class citizen shifting firmly out of middle classdom that I have been in.
God knows I’ve worked fucking hard enough for it.
And from there I’d bust ass to change parts of the system that failed me.
My welfare system’s a mess, homeless shelters – full of drug addicts and alcoholics – charge $5 a night and have a 6 month waiting list to get in. And while the feds are reforming non-profits in general, companies I used to donate to such as Goodwill refuse to assist me – the homeless man with a pair of pants or shoes without charging me, and state subsidized shelters will invariably take anything the state might provide and place me around drug addicts which will invariably wind up placing me in an environment around drugs and with no real path to move forward.
So I’d piss less on the poor. And give them creative opportunities to work. Oh yeah, and wipe the fucking slate clean for the entire nation and student loans.
But being completely real, I pursued the MBA from Thunderbird to elevate my lifestyle and hopefully afford some of the finer things in life, and little did I know where I would wind up with this education – on the streets – with 30 years of experience, my savings taken from me and with insurmountable debt and where society’s options – take less pay and work harder to make ends meet – are unrealistic at best.
Sure, I get to play games and write all day. But between the pity I get and shit constantly breaking on me – whether it’s shoes, my suitcase, or my clothes – and the nasty comments I get from women I might show an inkling of interest in who rebuff me because of my lack of money alone, it’s like – this is all enough to make a man go absolutely postal, and I suddenly find myself empathizing with people such as Hitler and Timothy McVeigh because the system around me feels like a steamroller and I have been steamrolled and it’s time to pay it forward.
I once pretended money didn’t mean much to me. But let’s be honest. It does. I’ve dreamed of being wealthy enough to buy a jet I customize, to have a custom house designed, and to commission whacky films that speak to me just because I can.
But where have I wound up for working my ass off to try to achieve my idea of this American’s dream?
In a Starbuck’s. Looking at hot women pass by. But getting absolutely numb in the process, knowing that without money, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about them in the way they prefer, but without it, there’s far more a criminal mind can do and that’s where society seems to prefer me to be.
Suddenly, rape seems fun. Suddenly, the killing I have done in video games seems like training to do in real life. Suddenly, it feels like I’m pleading with society to provide me options I prefer because the other path won’t end well for this world.
For me. It will end fine. My life’s a story and I always get my way.
Spencer, you claim I have no friends. No, I have plenty of them. I have one asshole who refers to himself as Spencer who contacts me via the internet, but everyone else I used to call friends haven’t contacted me via the internet nor made any attempt to contact me since my suicide attempt. Being realistic, I don’t doubt my conversations are being filtered and these people are all still around probably wondering what happened to me. Oh you’ll try to convince me otherwise because this presence on the net is that dickish and self-righteous, but I know better, I know these people better than you and know that this – and you – are simply not acting like you normally would.
But I never knew I had so much capacity for hatred within me.
And it’s getting worse, daily.
All this is enough to make me aim for Obama’s head and anyone who dares step into the seat of Presidency after him and put it on a silver fucking platter.
Take control of this country myself.
And then launch an attack on the rest of the world who repeatedly take from this country and refuse to give back.
The selfish fucking pricks.
Starting with China and India and the UK.
Proceeding to Russia and Mexico.
And pretty much rolling right on through every nation in the world unifying the entire world under one flag.
And call it the Borg Homeworld. Just for shits and fucking grins, because I can.
I really fucking hate being sick and having to struggle to set up camp, every fucking day, and being threatened by rain.
That and working on slow computers and not being able to play the most recent games. I don’t know which one pisses me off more.