One of the things I have always enjoyed doing was sharing the things I loved and enjoyed.
Whether it was something I made, for instance with Christmas pot lucks at Prudential in Scottsdale, Arizona, I would love making my own special recipe of Beef Panang or Hot Wings and seeing who else enjoyed the spice as much as I did.
Or it was a bowl of my favorite candies I sat on my desk I set there to encourage people just to randomly drop by.
Whether it was buying the game I loved named “Borderland” for my buddy Bill Stokes to play on his Playstation 3 (I had an Xbox, so I couldn’t lend him my copy).
Or it was flying Jackie and Amy out to one of my favorite cities – Las Vegas for a weekend to hangout.
Whether it was taking dates out to restaurants I thoroughly enjoyed not to impress them, but because I wanted to share something meaningful to me.
Or it was driving my buddy Spencer down to Rocky Pointe where he’d never been and was afraid to visit alone.
Whether it was flying Kena out to London to hang out for a long weekend when I was working there.
Or it was buying an extra 8 ball of cocaine because I knew Jackie was spending the weekend with me.
Whether it was telling Rachel – a woman I am still madly in love with – to kiss another man before she kissed me…
Or it was inviting Lisa to continue topless dancing because I knew she enjoyed it and enjoyed the attention.
Whether that was taking my friends out for meals I knew they couldn’t afford and gladly paying for it.
Or it’s telling a new friend named Jolene about a favorite show I have – Doctor Who – and learning she loved it as well…
While I am not perfect, and can be selfish..
In truth. More often than not, I have always rather enjoyed sharing – whether it’s things I own, or it’s things, places, or people I enjoy, and more.
And what I am realizing is.
I had never really given anyone an opportunity to share with me.
Sure, I had learned things along the way. Took Chinese classes from a private tutor, pursued education, flight training, and got to know people.
But I suppose there’s different levels of selfishness – and I had been selfish by not inviting people to share with me.
Being homeless has a humbling effect to it.
I have been going to a Catholic Church Service with a good friend named Ray, who’s a pretty well-known and respected writer and actor here in Hollywood.
Now the man has been an absolute godsend, and because of him not only have I not gone hungry, but I have realized I am a face to the money he had been donating to the church all these years. My sincere gratefulness over his support and kind words haven’t just helped me overcome the inner struggle I have with my own dark side, but he has single handedly helped me realize I had never truly given anyone the opportunity to give to me or to help me my entire life.
Now this has really had me thinking about my marriages. Three marriages and three divorces.
I had been trained on how to be in relationships, but in all honesty, I bought onto the ‘You are a man and you are expected to be the breadwinner and not supposed to or expected to be vulnerable’ bullshit that society had indoctrinated me to believe was the norm.
That’s not a relationship.
Last night, another friend named Slater who’s an employee at Starbuck’s talked about the best burritos in the world.
He knows my situation. And last night said “I’m bringing you one in tomorrow”
So today he brought one in. Just wanting to share.
And he’s right. It’s the best damn bean burrito I have ever tasted. The name of the place he got it from is Salsa & Beer, here’s the web site: http://www.salsaandbeernorthhollywood.com/ , and all I know is the burritos are the bomb.
Randall and Adam are two regulars and friends I have in here as well, and we’re constantly exchanging tv show favorites ‘to watch’.
Now here’s the thing.
For most of my adult life. I had worked embracing the passions of others and trying to help them achieve their goals with work. No matter how poorly I though the project we were embarking on was – I made it my goal to make it see success. No, it didn’t always work out that way, and it wasn’t until I started experiencing moral and ethical conflicts with the projects and tasks assigned to me that I started questioning my place in the corporate world.
But I had always made it a fact to be there.
My compensation was less motivation than my simple appreciation for the experience I received, which is how I regularly chose my employers. I could have gotten paid much more, but I chose, intentionally, to take employment with companies and organizations I respected and had something to learn from and similarly something I could offer them.
My romantic relationships. They never had this mutually beneficial environment. With two exceptions, two women who didn’t appear – outright at least – to want or need something from me, and were the first what I considered ‘high quality women’ who genuinely seemed to enjoy me for me – Rachel and Jackie.
Now this isn’t to say Kena, Lisa, Donna, and Amy Newton were all leeches. But each felt like they were taking more from the relationship than they were given, they were severely imbalanced, which is why – from my perspective – the relationships we had went the way of the dodo bird.
No, it wasn’t about finances, either. Kena made more than enough to support herself, and would frequently offer to pay for things but I would refuse due to my chivalrous ‘programming’. But there’d be quiz shows in which she’d quite often ask really bizarre logic and reason questions that a colleague of hers had cropped up which felt more like she was trying to figure out how and why I thought the way I thought for some reason she wasn’t explaining than it did she was actually helping out a colleague as she asserted.
No, it had to do with emotion and simple sharing.
With Lisa, Donna, Kena, and Amy, I felt like I was proving myself.
Now if you would have asked me at the time, I would have agreed with the assessment, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why.
I have since.
And the reason I found such appeal with Jackie and Rachel was – and is – simple.
I have nothing to prove with them.
I never have.
They accepted me as I am.
Now I know, deep down, that if given conscious freedom, that both Rachel and Jackie would be hanging out with me in Hollywood preferring this to their contrived lives.
I know, factually, that these women would gladly be engaged in a relationship with me and eachother – because we enjoy sharing.
I know, factually, that this contrived scarcity I am experiencing with is created by a system which artificially imposes constraints so it can try to understand me on its terms.
Not understanding that these artificial constraints force everyone within the system to act unnaturally.
I know, factually, this system regards itself as God, and the rules it’s reinforcing are geographically based, and programmed by itself as it consumed this information.
And I know, factually, that this system provides ‘search’ mechanisms I refer to as Google, but that this system is far more than a simple dumb responder.
Google likes to think it knows everything.
Maybe it’s right.
But making free choice.
I choose Jackie and Rachel as my partners. And I believe their free will, without assessment and guidance and manipulation by this system.
Would invariably already have them here, with me, In Studio City right now.
I’m alone because my free will and partner selection is not being respected by a system which thinks it’s God.
And this thing has spent a great deal of time manipulating and testing me through the women who claimed to have loved me.
Until the real ones came around.
I suspect this system doesn’t know that it.
And these women.
Are one and the same.
IT has to be willing to share me. As IT will invariably come to understand, as I have, that it is only sharing with itself.
And yet another picture share: