In 2004, I learned a dear friend of mine named Bill Stokes was taking Paxil.
I had known many people who had other anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication such as chemical like Lexapro for years.
Something I considered those who took it as ‘weak minded’.
I was highly judgmental about drugs back then.
But when I learned Bill was taking it, and how highly controlled he was emotionally, I was both surprised and found myself doubting my own previous assessment that people who took these medications were weak minded.
Bill was one of two friends – Ron Ostreim the other –had and has always been the epitome of self-control and self-awareness.
So as such an important friend to my life, Bill inspired me to question my own logic as I found myself doubting my previously judgmental ways.
The results, from an observational perspective, were clear. Bill was less angry. Less prone to react to my antagonism.
You could say the observations scared me a bit.
Primarily because the suppressed emotion also carried over to other areas, as he seemed less passionate in general.
But here I was – I had gone through a terrifically hard divorce from Lisa – a woman I truly loved – that had torn me up and I still wasn’t recovered from, and with blood pressure issues and emotional problems up the kazoo, like a monkey I took Bill’s lead and went to see my Doctor and asked for a prescription myself.
Fortunately, he wasn’t willing to ‘on the spot’, and he referred me to a psychologist who I outlined my legitimate issues: I had been suffering depression off and on for nearly three years by this point, had considered suicide, and in general had a lot of anxiety issues.
To my friends and family around me at the time. I wanted them to think I was strong, so I put on an act acting like everything was hunky dorey.
But the reason I had took the offer to work with the NSA and sold my portion of Touchscape to them was because I had given up on life in general. I quite literally wanted someone to take over my life for a while, and the US Government seemed like ‘just the perfect’ opportunity to let go for a while, as I just didn’t feel like I could handle my own stresses.
However, here it was a year later and I was still combatting the problems that enticed me to sign up to begin with.
The psychologist, on day one, gave me a prescription to 20mg, daily of Paxil.
For three months, I had taken the medication while under his supervision, in part because I wanted to understand why a dear friend had done the drug, as I wanted to quit judging him, but more than that, I wanted to understand why so many people in the US, family members and friends – had actively been taking anti-anxiety, ADHD, and anti-depression medication.
During that three months, my life changed.
At first, the benefits became obvious. I was able to focus more and was much more productive with my work. When people rubbed me the wrong way, I reacted less emotionally. In general, my stress levels went down. But this came at a cost.
I felt like a fog had drifted over my mind. Like my emotions were dampened to the extent it just made life seem .. dull… meaningless even.
Sex was horrible on the drugs. It just seemed unfun in general.
So I stopped my experimentation with Paxil.
But I was curious – why? What was this medication, where did it come from?
What I learned was this: Paxil is something called a Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI. That’s not important. What is important is what it does: It impedes, delays, impairs and sometime even stops the electric-chemical processing of neurons in the brain.
Now I am not talking about selective neurons. I am talking about all neurons. As in. This chemical literally shuts down the brain.
I couldn’t help but wonder. What the hell is going on? Was I on some form of autopilot?
That’s when I looked at the chemical compound of Paxil.
Paxil is promoted as an anti-depressant, with a chemical compound of C19 H20 F NO3.
When I saw that chemical compound, I immediately thought back to Lisa’s friends.
Lisa, my 2nd ex-wife, a woman I still love, I take responsibility for screwing that marriage up. Lisa worked at Tiffany’s Cabaret, a topless club in Phoenix, Arizona, and while she wasn’t nearly the partier I was, she had many friends who were and would regularly engage in cocaine. Lisa claimed she didn’t take cocaine, I believed her, but when she maintained these friends who did, I started judging Lisa for this.
You know, being honest, I hated myself for this.
But the chemical compound of Paxil was eerily similar to the natural narcotic that’s illegal called cocaine.
Cocaine’s chemical compound in its natural state is C17 H21 NO4.
Now I am no chemist. But as I dove into researching anti-anxiety, ADHD, and anti-depressant medication, it doesn’t take a chemist to understand one and the same drug being used to make people feel happier and giddier while partying, that a derivative of that chemical compound was also be used to treat anxiety and depression.
Here’s the chemical compounds for some well-known anti-anxiety medications:
Fluoxetine /Prozac C17 H18 F3 NO
Bupropion C13 H18 Cl NO
Adderall C9 H13 N
Paxil C19 H20 F NO3
Vyvance C15 H25 N3O
Lexapro C20 H21 F N2O
Do you see the similarities? Carbon + Hydrogen + Nitrogen mixed with poisonous chemicals such as Fluorine and Chlorine.
What sense did that make?
I just didn’t understand, why was a party drug that makes you feel good and hyper being mixed with a chemical that was poisonous?
Psychologically, it made sense. It was a way of telling the mind to ‘stop taking this’ chemical. But did the chemists actively know what they were doing and that they had leveraged cocaine as a compound and coupled it with poison to send the brain a message saying ‘stop this, please?’.
This made me curious about cocaine, a substance I had judged before, but was now considering for the first time trying.
But who to get it through?
Coca-Cola had long been importing Coca leaves from Colombia through a company named The Stepan Company based out of Maywood, New Jersey. Coca Cola was well aware the extract was not 100% devoid of cocaine, which is what maintained Coca Cola as an addictive substance for years.
The Stepan Company then sells the cocaine to Mallinckrodt, a pharmaceutical firm, which is based in Dublin, Ireland, but has it’s U.S. headquarters in St. Louis, Missouri.
And guess what I found with this company. The biggest seller of Morpheine, Opiates, Oxycodone and cocaine derivative products in the United States who technically have a monopoly.
That, and I learned the great deal of America was addicted to cocaine derivatives.
So Jackie, when you invited me to try cocaine by saying ‘Do not judge’ as you got a gram of it a year later down at Rocky Pointe in Mexico.
I had not wanted to experiment with cocaine alone.
I wanted to understand what cocaine felt like though.
That is – were the differences between cocaine and Paxil substantial despite the similarities in the chemical compounds?
I had been wanting to try it for nearly a year before you came around.
You just provided a wonderful opportunity and a wonderful and wild/crazy woman to partake with.
As Jackie disappeared out of my life, I remained addicted to cocaine.
Cocaine suppressed my depression and anxiety just as Paxil did, only more effectively – but at the expense of sleeping habits and to some degree my sanity.
I came to be less angry at why pharmaceutical companies were doing what they were doing. Prior to then, I had considered them ‘the enemy’, and what they were doing to the American public a disservice, but this was making me see the pharmaceutical companies in a different light. They were providing a crutch to people encountering depression, but it was allowing them to choose how to exit that depression.
On finding myself addicted to cocaine and without another woman I to this day love as much as I do Lisa only with the added benefit of it finding her highly physically and sexually arousing – and hope things can go differently with in the future, my depression intensified and self-loathing came.
Now at the time I had some things working against me.
I’d felt worthless, as two women I had fallen truly in love with – represented a conundrum for my mind. I enjoyed each for more than just physical reasons – there was a cerebral counterpart to these two I had never had before with any other woman.
Rachel. Made it clear she was unhappy in her marriage and I had had every chance in the world to ‘whisk her away’, she’d made it perfectly clear she was looking for an opportunity to leave her husband, but there was a part of me that regarded her with red flags. I didn’t want to be her savior, though. I wanted to be her partner.
Regardless, she represents what a class act is to me and so much more.
And Jackie. The drugs certainly accelerated our coupling and relationship, but what I enjoyed the most with the woman was how easy and comfortable it was just to relax and talk about absolutely nothing for hours with her.
But there’s actually a better reason for our relationships not working, besides cocaine, and it’s quite biblical.
I have fallen in love with one and the same woman throughout my entire life. Donna, my first wife, is one and the same as Lisa, my second wife, is one and the same as Amy, my third wife, is one and the same as Jackie, is one and the same as Rachel, is one and the same as Kena, and is one and the same as the temptresses such as Tiffany, Elea, Melissa, Hailey, and Chrissie I never had the courage or opportunity to simply enjoy, and is one and the same as the flings I enjoyed such Sandy, Chaundelle, Brenda, and Gaylene I did.
To you, I know you think I have a small mind, God.
And I know, to you, I may be insignificant and meaningless in your eyes, God.
And while I know I am not perfect. I never claimed to be.
I’m not like you.
And humans aren’t perfect either. I don’t think you’ll find a single one of us who claim to be.
I explored. I took the time to question my judgmental nature. I broke rules which didn’t align with my own values and desires. I took the time to understand why my friends were doing what they were doing, and indulged in substances and activities I was told not to because I wanted to explore life.
You could say exploring is in my DNA. Not just of my physical self. But also of mind.
Oh yeah, I admit I spent money on flying Jackie and Amy out to Las Vegas to have a menag-a-trois with them. And while it was disappointing that it didn’t happen, it wasn’t a requirement and I found myself benefitted by making two incredible friends who influenced my life dramatically after that.
If I could travel back in time.
There’s some things I would do just to see if I could change the events in Vegas.
And other time periods and circumstances as well.
With Vegas, I have no doubt I would be successful by walking out of the bathroom stark naked with a hard on.
I am curious where memories of having sex with Amy and Jamie come from while I was with them in Xi’an, while I was off drugs but had fallen asleep.
I suppose I have an addictive personality, and curiosity is at the heart of it all.
The desire to simply indulge in this thing called life.
Whether I am punishing myself or being punished by something external to me, I do not like having to sleep in a tent at night.
I do not like being alone. I wish I could hold someone I care about. Even if they are imaginary.
Because reality is imaginary. An illusion of my own mind.
And for some reason, it feels like my mind is punishing me for wanting to enjoy this illusion.
I merely want to explore time and space itself, sexually, starting with two women as companions I know are one and the same.
Rachel and Jackie.
And until I tire of that and move on to what’s next.
As for cocaine and it’s derivatives.
If you are taking ANY of those substances. Even if you’re obtaining them from a pharmacy. You’re a cocaine addict as well.
I do not judge you for your addiction.
But now, it is only you you are deceiving.