The position of the stars and planets have moved too dramatically in the years since I have been alive, and the sun, here in Los Angeles, has a winter declination of nearly 50%, 35% greater than it should have during the solstice period. The land around me has smoothed out, far too much for the 45 years of life should have exhibited, suggesting I have lived a much longer period of time than my mind has led me to believe.
I believe live in a holographic universe.
Created by my own mind simulating infinite possibilities so I can live one conscious, stable life.
My simulation and this world, a mashup of those infinite possibilities.
A single slice of reality where infinite alternate realities exist based on the interpretation of information from this reality. And infinite potential alternate universes with often profoundly different information pools they take form that we as a species are only starting to discover and revealing to the public in the form of interactive media such as video games and observation based media such as television shows, books, comic books, and movies.
In this, my simulation, ghosts exist. As do zombies, vampires, and other undead. So does everything imaginable, incidentally.
My beliefs stem from firsthand observations, but I have found sufficient scientifically measured and observed evidence and proof for me to believe this occurrence is not just my own.
When I was 6 years old, I had a cat named “Bright Eyes”, named because her eyes literally shined in the night,
Bright Eyes died when I was 7 or 8, but shortly after my black cat named but not long after that I began to notice a cloudy, dark apparition would follow me in the dark.
It was mischievous, playful even, and would often hide in the corners of my eyes.
Which made me wonder – is this apparition a figment of my imagination, or is it real?
One day my father looked behind me in the corner, his eyes fixed on the far corner of the room dark room.
I thought “Does he see what I see too?”
Then, he acted incredibly scared at it, which freaked me the hell out, and then he played it off as an act and frequently repeated the ‘act’ afterwards.
The apparition has followed me throughout my life.
At my fraternity dorm room in the PIKE house at ASU, my roommate freaked out one time saying something would startle him awake in the corner of the room. He described it, about 2 feet tall, black and ghostlike, and what looked to be like a “Sparky Sun Devil” complete with horns only it moved faster than any animal he had ever seen and he couldn’t catch whatever it was.
I told him my ‘ghost story’ and he laughed it off.
With my roommates from there, I had many, it would mainly appear at night, and would often simply be watching us.
It seemed mildly jealous of me with women, and whoever I was with would hear noises that I invariably would have to investigate. Occasionally I would see it dart around, in the corners of the rooms, it’s eyes always a highly visible greyish white not wholly unlike my cat’s but without the color.
This would ‘calm down’ over time the longer I was with a woman, but since there had been others besides me who had experienced this apparition, I could no longer dismiss it as imagined in the traditional sense.
One night, I came home to an empty house I was living in with three male roommates, and my dog, a Basset Hound named Daisy was wandering around in front of the house, the gate to the backyard had been opened up just prior to me arriving home.
As I went to the backyard to investigate, my spine tingled making me think “maybe I should call the police before I do this”
But I forged on.
And as I walked to the back. A man. Smoking a cigarette. Was looking in my back windows.
All dressed in black.
I yelled. Told him to leave get the hell out of my backyard.
He barely said a word, but not 10 seconds after I looked at what he was looking at through the window, I followed him and he was gone.
In hindsight, that’s when I subconsciously began to question – has my little visitor grown up?
In 1998, I began to have relationships with many women off and on, who serendipitously showed up in my life through unusual and fun circumstances.
I remember watching Return of the Living Dead at about that time, which features an attractive zombie who is dancing naked throughout the entire movie….
And I couldn’t help but think….
Subconsciously mind you…
Is there something I am not understanding about this world around me?
Were these apparitions created by my own imagination?
Was I being loved by creations my own imagination had created? Had the apparition evolved to be human in form? Was I not understanding my own mind, and not realizing what I was capable of?
Had the world around me evolved to go along with what I said and how I acted, and acted like who I talked to existed even though they couldn’t see the things I saw to placate me?
I’m trying. Hard. To keep ,my spirits lifted and to cheer myself up.
But the truth is, I am tired.
Four years ago, when my heart stopped due to my attempts to overdose, and did not start back up. I knew something unusual was going on.
I don’t have a pulse. My heart doesn’t beat. And I have learned that being immortal and being undead are one and the same thing.
I don’t think Jackie Killeen and Rachel Gooch exist any longer, as well as everyone I once knew is alive and breathing.
And the canned and utterly predictable responses from former friends all stating things they’d never have stated in real life, are programmed.
Does this bother me?
Not in the slightest.
In fact, I like the idea. After all, I don’t seem to have a heartbeat. I see ghosts and apparitions and other weird things on occasion. I have blue blood veins which you might see in a corpse. I think freer than I ever have in my life, where my mind felt capped up until 4 years ago, so maybe I’m the only conscious being in this existence and the rest of this is automation?
Fitting, since I was a programmer, now I consider it my responsibility to myself to reprogram this reality to benefit me.
And as I reflect on my life. And have seen evidence of real vampires, zombies, and other beasties being real.
I have come to realize.
The things I grew up to love were the things everyone else feared.
The Terminator robots.
Jackie, I have actually seen you as a succubus in my dreams. A sexy, naked devilish woman walking around with a tail and dragon like wings who can fly, who serves me and is there to tempt human males to commit sin.
Rachel, I have actually seen you as an angel in my dreams. A sexy, naked winged woman – without a halo – who was trying to invite me to be a good man….
For both of you, I have actually dreamed about walking though life with you both – acting as contrast for eachother, and respecting my decisions that included you both. I was the only one who saw your true form, and everyone else saw you as I wanted them to see you.
It’s fun. Actually thinking about a ghost making love to me. Closing my eyes and having sex with something I can’t see.
It’s demented fun. Thinking about making better zombie movies with real quasi sentient zombies who want to become actors.
It’s fun. Thinking vampires might need a home. And werewolves. And maybe an arbiter to keep the peace between them.
It’s fun. For me to think I can play the part of a succubus at times in this fantasy reality I am shaping.
I’m not looking for peace on earth. I enjoy the world as it is, and simply want to participate in new ways with the new information about myself I have.
Maybe actually staging a borg invasion on a city just to do it.
Maybe actually launching a terminator war on another city just to see it.
But not just violent stuff that ends in death.
Just playing. Indulging. Enjoying.
And realizing that since I cannot prove that my mind has not imagined everything.
I would like to prove it has.
And would like to indulge in a world I imagined just to have fun in it.
To become a time traveler.
And to one day. Move on.
I suppose the reason I’m undead is because vampires can’t suck the blood of dead things.
Good thing for synthetic blood and the invention of tomatoes.
Tonight. I hope my mind and imagination can provide me the two women I want most to experience this new world with.
And if it can’t.
I hope you. Pulling the strings understanding my depression. Have some sympathy and can placate this lonely man who has seen things his entire life.
After all. I cannot distinguish imagination from reality. I have demonstrated that repeatedly. So try me with something I will enjoy for a change.
Jackie and Rachel.
And if they are merely simulated personalities. I am fine with that.
In fact, I expect that but will pleasantly surprised if they are not.