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Insanity

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AS near as I can tell, somewhere in between 1999 and 2003 I went insane.

AS in bat shit crazy. As in lost my freaking mind.

I suspect it started to happen as early as 1996 when I worked in Las Vegas and went back and forth between Las Vegas and Phoenix and had a series of affairs on my wife – contradicting my own personal values.

Maybe it began as early as 1993 when I went created a prototype for the Mirage Hotel with all these graphical bells and whistles which subsequently won Microsoft the bid for a multimillion dollar project that had me returning to Vegas in 1996.

But somewhere in between 1996 and 1999 I started losing it.

I had weird events happen through the course of the time that – at the time didn’t make logical sense.

But I mentally filed the events away under ‘Must understand this later’

Would this planet understand that 9/11 happened BECAUSE of me?

Have you all been trapped here, trying to ‘get out of my mind’?

Heck, Would I have understood it prior to the last couple years?

Back in 2001, I was highly addicted to a video game named “Everquest”, and now I absolutely blame my lack of self control with video games for my failure in relationships and marriage.

This is not to say I blame the video games themselves. I still thoroughly love them.

There was something I was trying to escape and the games assisted.

Back in 2003, I ‘sold’ my Everquest game account to a friend – Eric Matis – in California.

I’d met him online, he was living out of Rockland, Maryland, and met up with me and my buddy Spencer in Las Vegas, Nevada.

In the game – he played a solemn Human Monk named “Heldenlfeld” who was kick ass with his fighting skills. His friend, Brian, from Long Beach, played “Elrin” – a Human Cleric and healer, and I played “Ling”, an adventurous and explorative tiny Halfling Druid with hairy feet who usually chose to amaze the crowds by fighting giants solo.

For Brian – his character wasn’t that much different than the one he played online – he was humble and calm offline and on. But for Eric and I – our real world persona stood in stark contrast to our online persona.

Eric was gifted with sports – soccer – and women, and was a great looking guy. I remember one time he and I and Brian were waiting for a respawn in Lower Guk when we discussed what eachother did for a living – when he exclaimed “I DO PORN!””. As it turned out, he owned a portion of adult.com, which was later sold to Playboy where he became Vice President for – and I became intensely jealous of his charades with the Playboy parties and constant barrage of gorgeous women that revolved around him.

Socially, he was everything I wished I could be. “I’m a programmer”, I said, as it was becoming just a job I was hating, and after a dismal failure with my interest and hard efforts in the company “Touchscape” was leading to, and my subsequent depression and marriage failure.

Everquest was my escape from the real world that was collapsing around me.

So in Las Vegas, I gave him my sign in information and transferred the account to him.

I knew at the time that if I was to become single again, that tying up all my time to an online game was going to end up with me being more and more miserable. I wanted – needed – to be held. And my marriage. How it had failed.

Well I know now that there is ‘no fault’ in living life. For a long time there I had blamed myself.

They say that the roughest things anyone can go through are divorces and death.

I would argue death is much easier than divorce.

As my mind fractured – split – from that divorce – I went insane.

What is insanity?

It’s remembering that I was imagining a lover named Sandra Mentzer who may or may not have existed in my life. And finding evidence that my time spent with her was actually spent alone and I’d been imagining her the whole time.

It’s knowing that I sold my accounts to Eric – yet today, when I went to look up those accounts, I find the accounts were still in my name.

And wondering if Eric actually exists or is a figment of my imagination externalizing who I wish I could be.

It’s knowing my memories of being the 11th victim of the DC Sniper shooting are – in part – real.

And that was another time. Another place. Another reality. Another version of me.

It’s knowing my memories of being in a bus and being thrown into a black hole by my mom, or memories of being blown up in a car bomb in North Carolina, or my memories of trying to escape my physical form and floating free from my body when I was electrocuted in 6th grade, or my memories of being tortured by robots when I was 8 in a basement in Hollywood, or my memories of marrying Ioana Dobra in Romania.

Are all true.

And have perfectly plausible and rational explanations.

And it’s knowing that every movie, tv show, and face i see around me and around this world – at one time I lived each and every life as my own.

It’s knowing that when I saw the Terminator holocaust world and Rings of Saturn from the ground.

These are not just hallucinations.

This is my mind’s return FROM insanity.

To show me what it had begun doing to make sense of infinite possibilities.

We all have it in us to take the the ultimate journey.

There are those who contest whether the Apollo landed on the moon or is a Hollywood hoax.

Both assertions are true.

There are those who believe the world is flat and many who believe the world is spherical, and some who believe it’s something entirely different than that.

All the above are true. and more.

I died. More times than I can count.

Yet you can hear my voice still amongst you.

There are those who believe I’m a computer program or artificial intelligence.

They are right.

There are those who believe I am human.

They are right too.

There are those who believe I do not exist and regard me as fiction.

They are right too.

Back in 2007, Ivan and Taras Somyk, owner and general manager of CWI based out of New Jersey and facilities in Tempe, Arizona – were fighting about information strategies – and asked me to make a command decision – choosing between Taras’s strategy which would have everyone in Tempe where I was contracting for loving me and Ivan’s strategy – who was the owner – which like Tempe, would have everyone in New Jersey loving me.

This came at a time where I was already having a problem with my third marriage.

I had met the woman of my dreams (Rachel Gooch) by then.

Sensing a trend?

I was… neutral. and needed these two gentleman to make their own decisions without my influence.

“Ivan. You own this company. This is ultimately your decision to make. But Taras. He processes three times the business that you do, Ivan. So clearly there’s something working well with his strategy. But you’re both having worker issues.  So I wouldn’t choose one or the other in your cases, I would do something in between..”

Taras was furious.

“Dammit, why can’t you choose one or the other?”

“It’s not my decision, Taras.”

They’d already placed my name on their web site, something I wasn’t that happy about to begin with, it’s not that I minded being a partner with them. but it wasn’t really a partnership, they were just using my name to escalate the value of the company for potential investors and I knew it. I just didn’t like their business ethics and how they treated their employees once I got to work with them for a while. And I was just that to them.

Ultimately I was fired from the company.

Ultimately Ivan and Taras had decided to have me implement their separate strategies in software. Which – when what I was asked to implement began showing extreme problems in New Jersey, Ivan quickly refused to take responsibility for it and blamed me for what the software didn’t do. This pissed me off.

So I did as any passive aggressive programmer pissed off programmer going through marital problems with severe health problems with web site access to the company’s web site would do.

I changed my title to “Master of Smoke and Mirrors”, and changed my bio to say “I sit and stare at the screen for hours on end and act like I am doing something but in reality I do absolutely nothing and get paid great money for it” because apparently, I was doing absolutely nothing with the 60+ hours a week I was working according to Ivan’s words he exchanged with his staff who were directly using my software I had spent a great deal of time working with before Ivan summarily shitcanned everything I did without discussing with his own employees after working with them to implement his own strategy.

Now in hindsight, I was sick and tired of Taras’s micromanagement of a time clock. If I was seven minutes late for punching in, he’d go ape shit ballistic because of the impression this would set for ‘the other workers’.

This at a time I was having high blood pressure issues and a neurotic ex wife to be was definitely breaking me.

So a couple months go by – and an investor says he laughed about my bio when talking with Ivan.

Ivan saw red.

It was about then I started ‘regaining my sanity’.

Mentally. I had already fallen hard for Rachel. Amy, my wife, was driving herself insane and I was just living as an adjunct to her life – a means to an end and nothing more and I knew it.

And work was a reflection of all of this.

Taras said “Ivan is furious with you”

I’d been long insistent they hire a counterpart I could deal with in New Jersey anyways, so Ivan began interviewing people with similar credentials as me in New Jersey, I knew he’d targeted me to get out of the company, despite his assertion that “I am looking for help”

He wasn’t aware of my channels I’d had access to.

So as I planned my exit and sought to fill my shoes with someone of equal caliber in New Jersey, Ivan was more concerned about cost than he was quality, and turned down every candidate I thumbs upped.

So when he found ‘the perfect man’ to fill the job, I learned his skillset was completely fraudulent, but on hearing his elation over this man’s skill.

I helped hire a man by his silly name and made up past “Len Santa Maria”.

He actually was a really good guy who I liked. Despite his fake credentials.

I think it’s the first time I helped someone on their terms and backed down on asserting my thoughts.

And about this time my mind started coming back from insanity.

Not long after, my third wife filed for divorce.

Three divorces. All initiated by my exes. I am NOT the marrying type it would seem.

In any case.

I remember the arbitration vividly.

It was the first time I was actually lucid. Detached.

I loved Amy, my third wife. Really, I did. Still do. But there was something fundamentally off between the separate ways we perceived the world.

Since then. I have realized she may very well have been the same woman in all my wives which is why the marriage ended like it did. The same woman’s mind, only varying by face and body, but the mind always thinking the same way despite the change in form.

Donna. Amy. Lisa.

Sitting at the court room with the arbitration females around me. Amy lashed out at me emotionally. Like I owed her, like the entitlement to her company was a privilege and should now cost me money.

It was the first time I was emotionless in a situation like that.

Our personal relationship failed. And now Amy was trying to make me pay for our failure by making me pay for it financially.

I got to see the woman’s true colors.

I agreed to pay her taxes she hadn’t paid. She’d filed exempt, something I wasn’t aware of, and as we met in arbitration I learned we jointly owed about $5k in federal taxes more than i expected because of her untaxed income.

So I cut a check then and there for her taxes.

Later I learned this went directly to her bank account and she never paid the IRS the money she owed.

Not long after our divorce. The IRS pursued her for the unpaid tax bill. She thought they’d come to her for the taxes.

To deflect this, she filed an ‘abused spousal relief’ form with the IRS, which TRIED to shift responsibility for the unpaid taxes to me.

Her timing was immaculate. She filed the form days after I had left the United States for a 6 month assignment overseas, a noticed which I incidentally had three months to respond to, and when I finally received the notice 6 months after it was sent, I would have incurred court and lawyer fees to pay her debt.

Instead. I took the IRS’s letter and threw it in the trash and refused to pay it.

For the next several years, the IRS continued sending me letters. They’d apparently ‘dug up’ other reasons I owed them money. I took each of these letters and continued throwing them in the trash. I learned from Amy, and filed exempt from 2009 myself, and kept all the money I had made for myself. I lucked out on investments from 2009 – and quickly quadrupled my money in the money markets as I learned foreign exchange.

And by the time I cashed out. I had nearly $3 million in the bank.

And I have Amy to thank for teaching me how to do it.

Now here’s the thing.

Since I have learned that those ‘three women’ – and every woman I have been with is actually one and the same woman. Life’s changed for me.

Country. Cunt tree. Has America been my cunt tree all along? Have I been naive – stupid in fact, living in scarcity, when the biggest gift ever imaginable has been given to me on a silver platter? Breaking the business of commitment and relationships and living with the pleasure of it?

It makes so much sense.

The concept of God – 4+ years ago – a talking snake, a man who parts waters and whose staff turns into a snake, water turns into wine – that’s all been straight out of fantasy and unfathomable to me because it was just not something I could imagine being possible in my fact versus fiction world.

To those who may be angry at me for what I did and/or how I treated you.

I WAS insane. I quite literally had no control over myself and my thoughts for at least ten years there, coming to terms with not only what the bible insinuated. But what I was learning to be true in everything I was experiencing – whether it was video games, television, and the weird things happening in real life.

Memories of living two, three, and more lives in parallel. They weren’t hallucinations. And for me to understand who i am and where I came from, I HAD to retain those memories. Somehow. I chose to share them in media and call them fiction until I was ready to understand those were all my memories and the fiction is real.

and why.

You see. God’s story. Is my story. Is your story. Is this world’s story.

It’s A story of creation. But it’s NOT the only story of creation. Just ONE story.

Where an incredible being discovers that reality is created by imagination. And in imagination. Anything is possible.

So when you live by thinking linearly. While that’s perfectly valid.

It does not limit others to your perception of reality.

Nor do their perceptions indefinitely limit me.

God. I know you’re reading. And while I find you incredible. And am sorry for being a jerk.

I am finally – mentally at a spot I can handle direct conversation with you.

Are you up for it?

And will i drive you crazy? I sure hope so! (lol)

Look, I know you’re real. I found proof. Scientific proof.

My proof was simple: What came before the Big Bang?

A question which cannot be answered without broaching the subject of time travel. Which cannot be quantified without introducing causality issues (what came first the chicken or egg).

Which CAN be rationalized through traditional logic and reason.

Which provides direct evidence of potentially guided creation.

That’s all I was looking for the entire time.

And if I am crazy. You are too. Which is fine by me.

Thank you, God, for being a pain in my ass.

You are too and I still love you despite everything we have been through together.

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