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The Voices In My Head

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I’ve heard voices inside my head and mind my entire life.

This is something I have long accepted as normal, and have rarely given much thought about,

Most of the time it’s been enjoyable, like having a friend with me when I am alone, or having an instigator to do things I otherwise would not have done when I needed one the most.

When I was young, I loved stunt riding bicycles and motorcycles.

The adrenaline from the thrill of landing successfully after hurtling my heavy duty rimmed dirt bike  at top speed down the asphalt towards a jump that was three foot tall  – to land on pavement without falling – was instigated by the voice in my head which said:

“I dare you to build it taller”

And I abided.

The first time I had sex at 14 years old.

“I dare you to touch her”

The voice wasn’t so much a voice at times as much as it was like a gentle nudging – from feelings such as butterflies in the stomach, to other physiological responses which led me in a direction.

Sometimes by the penis.

“I dare you to have sex with her”

I remember the voice said about an attractive woman who approached me in Vegas when I was married.

I was already at the tipping point anyways, as it chimed in:

“Imagine her naked, grinding on you”

When I was 33, I felt psychologically battered after a divorce from a woman I still truly love – Lisa – and joined the military.

“There’s nothing they can throw at you that you can’t take,” I remember the voice encouraging me.

I now have memories of alternate timelines and being shot numerous times while engaged with my short 10 month stint with them.

“Those aren’t real memories”

The voice tried telling me.

“And you are?” I responded

It was the first time I started actively engaging in a conversation with the voice. To which it diverted my attention by saying:

“Go to Europe. Go without a plan. Just do it.”

I resisted.

That’s when my mother added her two cents in, as if to assert what the voice was saying:

“Just do it,” I remember her distinctly saying, “You have always wanted to, quit talking about it an just do it.”

My own mom calling me out.

But the words she used echoed the voice in my head, I couldn’t help to begin pondering the world around me.

AS I was going through a divorce, I started dating a girl by the name of Sandra Mentzer.

Sandra looked remarkably like Audrey Hepburn, something the voice remarked about much later, but there was something that happened that had me begin questioning other things.

One day, after Sandra had left, there was a tiny sliver of a poop stain on the back of a toilet.

I was disgusted.

I cleaned it up. And thought to myself. “This is NOT classy”

It happened a few other times afterwards.

After she’d left or gone to the restroom.

I never confronted her on it.

But I remember thinking. Wow. What a weird quirk.

We broke up.

And after a couple months, the stains started appearing again.

Now at the time, I had been utterly bewildered. I didn’t remember using the toilets, and from that point forward, try as I might, I didn’t ever once catch myself leaving the stains.

It was bizarre.

But I was the only one in the house.

There was no one else to blame.

Did I have multiple personality disorder? Was there something I didn’t know about myself?

My voice said nothing.

Despite how obvious and glaring it was – I dismissed the possibility.

And even ‘mentally’ shelved the thought.

So about 4 years ago.

I went for an interview to Beijing for a Program Manager position at Microsoft Research and Development.

Microsoft was utterly insistent on handling the Visa for my trip, which was highly unusual, and required me to FEDEX my Passport to Microsoft to handle obtaining the Visa – but I wrote it all off as being just a quirky company requirement for preferred vendors.

I NEARLY didn’t make the trip, as Microsoft held my Passport for 10 days despite overnight delivery, and only handed me my passport the day of my departure.

This was the first time my voice demonstrated paranoia when I did not have it. A first time I could definitively say it actually held emotion I simply did not.:

“Something is going on.”

I dismissed it.

Told myself I was being paranoid.

I mean this is Microsoft we’re talking about.

If I can’t trust them, then who can?

About a month ago, the voice came back and said to me:

“You’re Bill Gates”

I told the voice. “Not me”

About a week ago, the voice came back to me and said:

“Bill Gates used your passport personally, and went to China and tested an experiment. He theorized that Chinese did not see or understand the difference between Caucasians, and that he could get in, incognito, with someone else’s passport, and investigate his research and development division. He set up your interview, and had intended on you not going to it at all by delaying the passport past your departure date. Somehow you got it though.”

About three years ago, in the Mojave desert, I was driving my Lexus when it felt like I was losing my mind seeing things on a drug no cop had ever heard of – Bath Salts.

As I was driving down the road, I remember seeing in my mind’s eye an image of a young Steve Jobs laughing in his convertible as he passed by Bill Gates I – as I saw myself in the rearview mirror – and I saw a young Bill Gates – who was racing alongside Steve Jobs down this desert highway.

I have a theory.

That Bill Gates may very well may have done the experiment that the voices in my mind developed.

And in the desert that day, our minds ‘touched’.

Bounced off eachother.

Or.

There’s always another possibility I have to consider.

Maybe I am him.

And that man is just but one of my personalities.

And I do have multiple personality disorder.

Imagine this.

And finding a way to work with those other personalities.

We might just be able to change the world if we worked together.

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