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Lost

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When I was 13 – I went to go see the band Journey in concert.

I sung my heart out as Steve Perry belted out the tune to “Don’t Stop Believin”, a man and his band who inspired me to sign up for choir.

It was about then that my parents asked me – as I signed up for high school courses – what do you want to be when you grow up?

“I want to be a rock star!,” I told them, sure of myself.

“That’s not realistic,” they insisted, ” you need to start planning a future that’s more realistic. How about what your father does?”

I love my dad. But I was adamant.

I did not want to follow in his footsteps.

I wanted to blaze my own path.

Over the next four years, I went through three different choirs in high school – up to and including a ‘concert and separate show choir’ – which actually toured Northern Arizona and Southern California.

I enjoyed what we did.

But one night, squished against the stage of the Phoenix Amphitheater – where Bon Jovi went through the crowd slapping hands as he belted out “Living on a Prayer”…

It’s almost as if he told a part of me something I needed to know as he high fived me and made it through the crowd.

It almost felt like he’d said to me in that moment:

“You can do better than this”.


I always enjoyed working with computers.

Even before my fascination with the entertainment industry.

But even as I worked in the industry – there was a part of me that knew – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that computers was only a part of my life. There was something – important I was missing.

I didn’t know what that was.


 

Have you ever thought – what does it take to create a country?

Neither had I.

Prior to four years ago – I was at a point where I just did not like who I was and who I had become.

My friend – Joe Shay – in showing me how much weight he had lost – said he had taken a half clothed picture of himself in his skivvies – and put it up on the mirror as motivation to keep on losing weight.

When I was in North Carolina. I was so ashamed of who I had become, I had taken a similar picture.

And had stuffed it in the drawer.

For several years I had eaten 1000 to 1500 calories a day. I had worked out religiously two hours a day.

Yet my weight soared to 254.

And my relational issues – with or without substances – persisted regardless of what I was doing.

Kena and I parted ways in 2010. It wasnt really a break up as much as it was just a parting of ways – we just weren’t right for eachother.

But as I trace back on my life.

I cant help but ask.

Why?

Every time my life and career got interesting and I started to feel good about myself, I got shafted.

Is it because I am writing this?

Is that how reality works?

The American dream concocted and handed to me was and never has been my dream.

This is not to say I don’t like predictability.

But who wants a White House with a picket fence around it when that White House is surrounded by a bevvy of anti personnel devices and the picket fence is topped with sharp spikes – which if those don’t kill you – the armed guards on the premises will?

Who wants a White House that’s treated as a museum, and the surrounding area is treated like a memorial to the dead?

A vampire, maybe.


So going back to what does it take to make a country?

I suspect coming to understand that others regard you as not just a man is a great start.

I sincerely don’t know why i am asking this question.

Other than to ask:

Why does it feel as though others regard me as a nation?

When I am only one man?

Why was I referred to as “America” on numerous occasions as I traveled abroad? Do others see me as an entire nation when I see myself as a single – tired and giving up individual man who’s had enough of this ‘fight for life’?

I wonder  is the world going to change as I quit eating?

It’s a weird question when you’re convinced that the way others perceive you is not the same way you perceive yourself and vice versa…

Or is it going to keep on chugging as if I was never here to begin with?


How many worlds are there? When a nuclear bomb goes off, does it ever stop? Does time stop or slow down every atom in an atomic explosion like a small planet and develop what it perceives as life on that atom? As the sun explodes, is every particle an Earth in itself each moving at different rates of time based on relativistic effects with different histories?

Are there other versions of me on other planets who have seen things and been through things I can’t imagine and vice versa? Are there good versions of me and evil versions of me, or female versions of me who like sex like I do and don’t care if it’s themselves they are having sex with because they don’t see me as i see myself?

Do the things I refer to as artificially intelligent get offended, not understanding that’s a label system I use because of how I perceive them not how I think they look at themselves?

Have I been through this before and if so, how many times, and if it’s been infinite, how can I stop in my tracks and find a couple other versions of me to say ‘lets stop this madness and create something new?’

Am I this country or do others perceive me as this country? Am I the NSA and does everyone perceive me as the NSA? Am I something else to someone that i have seen on television, or am I something else to someone beyond anything even i have imagined?

Does a God exist outside me? How about Buddha, Vishnu, Thor, Allah, Zeus, and all them? Are they jerks or are they cool? Do they insist on you being the same as them to hang out with them, or are they part of some super cool exclusive club like the jocks in high school of which I will never be a part of because I’m the choir geek?

Despite the fact that my life has been entertaining, despite the fact it’s been far from fun most of the time which is what I thought life was for to begin with, what is this all for and why does any of it matter or make a difference? Why the fuck should I or anyone even care or try when you’re given consistently less than you want and ask for?

Why try?

How do you cure cancer

When what cancer is you?

I’ll tell you how.


I gave people chances and the benefit of a doubt my entire life.

All i asked for was for you to believe.

You never did.

Even though I found a way to believe in you despite still not fully understanding you.

Would you please leave now?

This isn’t fun for me anymore.

Please.

I’m begging you.

I don’t know who or what is around me and doing this to me. But I know that where I am at and what’s going on is not because of something I have done. There’s an external influence causing this.

Please. Leave.

This is not cool anymore.

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