When I was 16 years old, i was driving to the school dance with my friends David Kennedy and his friend Richie.
“Dude,” David said “slow down. You’re going to get us busted.”
I looked across the front seat.
And I started to giggle as I saw a Speed Limit Sign go by.
Then I looked down at the speedometer.
About then I burst out laughing.
“Dude,” David said as the laughing started to get contagious, “what’s so funny?”.
You know people are stoned when every sentence contains the word dude.
Richie looked at the sign. As we continued passing it.
“Slow down,” he said, ” we don’t want to get in trouble.”
I couldn’t contain myself – and said “We’re only going 15 mph,” as I pointed at the speedometer.
We arrived at the school dance, safely that night, and needless to say, casually late.
With a funny little story to tell about time’s relativity in the process.
Throughout my life, I have enjoyed experimenting with things.
In that LTD with the V8, 6.6 L, 400 Engine, I would ask my parents for the keys in a rainstorm, and I would take it to an empty parking and very lengthy parking lot with a couple friends in the car.
I’d jam on the gas as fast as possible, and at about 60 miles per hour on the slick parking lot, I would jerk the steering wheel hard to the left or right, and the car would subsequently do revolutions – spinning sideways – one times, two times, I think my record was 5 full 360 degree revolutions.
It was as if the car enjoyed it as much as I did.
Another time, I and a bunch of friends went to a house party after work – and on our way – a line of cars – a 67 Camaro – a beefed up old Bronco – and a few others – were racing at speeds of 120 to 140 miles per hour.
I got caught that night on the way back from that party going 126miles per hour, and the policeman – forced with the decision to put me – a minor – in jail or – ended up siding with the ‘or’ equation and escorted me home, fortunately not telling my parents about what I had done.
Seeing the radar still blinking ‘126mph’, I had never heard a cop cuss before.
I stopped marijuana when I was 16, shortly after that experience, but at about 18, I started taking things like “Hot Stuff” – over the counter legal supplements for working out.
I was always afraid of testosterone or steroids, my ‘experimentation’ was always calculated and with steroids there was simple too much risk despite the reward they could give me which I definitely wanted, but refused based on the risk.
My experimentation and risk taking attitude crept into other areas.
I started bungee jumping when I was 23.
Did I have a death wish?
That’s just stupid to even think. No. I loved living. And experiencing the thrills and experiences of life on the edge were sometimes a part of what life was about.
One time, with my grandfather, brother, and father watching, the crane lifted me up for my fifth bungee jump, I was going to jump 300 feet and dip my head into the pool down below the crane and cage….
About 3/4 of the way up, the crane operator halted, and started bringing me back down – without a jump. I was disappointed…
Then the operator down below ran over, and attached the bungee cord to the bottom of the cage, as my family apparently became frantic yelling – as they lifted me up without attaching the bungee cord to the cage.
Without a line. That would have turned out interesting…
The operator asked me: “Are you sure you want to go?”
To which I responded: “Well I guess I’m safe now, so what would be the use in not going?”
I went on to do 7 more bungee jumps after that in my life.
The ‘search for the thrill’ continued with sex.
I became promiscuous, but it was a wholly different thrill that exists to this day. I’ve never used protection, with two occasions being the solitary exception – because, well let’s put it this way.
I like trusting people.
The Bungee jump led to Skydiving.
The first jump, a tandem, was done with two friends and coworkers from Orbital – Bill Glomski and Val Rhodes out of Skydive Arizona in Buckeye, Arizona.
For me. It was the ultimate experience in freedom. I felt so incredibly alive in the 53 seconds of freefall I had before the tiny little instructor behind me had me pull the cord as we floated back down to the Earth. It was indescribable.
On hearing about my friend’s experiences – Val apparently blacked out as soon as he jumped – it scared the shit out of him so bad – saying “It felt just so unnatural, so wrong”
And Bill, puked the moment he left the door of the plane.
The next time I went static line skydiving, it was with Tim Newman, a coworker and somewhat of a friend from Orbital.
As I waited for that thumbs up so I could let go of the strut of the plane, I looked over at the pilot in the cockpit, and thought to myself: “That’s next”
It was … calm. In fact.. boring. And I knew I needed a more sustainable.. thrill.
You could say it was in that moment – as I looked at the pilot and let go – that a part of me knew I need to mature a bit – and that same part of me knew I needed to find something that stimulated my senses consistently enough but didn’t have to peg the adrenaline and/or lead to my death by increased risked taking.
As I drifted down to the ground, my landing picture perfect, I knew that would be my last time jumping out of perfectly good planes.
I had long had a fear of flying.
And I suppose it was these experiences which made it possible for me to take flying lessons in Cessna 152s and Cessna 172s.
With flying. I found something I thoroughly enjoyed.
And as I found a ‘new vehicle’ to explore and play with that could move up and down as well as left and right and straight and back, I found myself playing again.
One day, I took my friend – Jeff Kleinman – and his wife, Rosalyn Kleinman, and Jeff’s son – Aaron – up to 10,000 feet, and said “watch this” as I took a can of mountain dew and set it in the middle of the plane and started pointing the plane down.
The can of Mountain dew rose to eye level, we were in free fall, and the can just floated there, at eye level, levitating in space.
They’d trusted me with my skills.
But I overestimated their resilience as I pulled the nose back up at about 5000 feet, and the g-forces kicked in.
Mountain dew followed by vomit went everywhere.
I should have used a closed can. Live and learn, right?
While flying, I learned to ‘respect’ the equipment more. But I would frequently. buzz farms at 20 feet above ground level at 140 miles per hour. Or I would put the plane at weird attitudes when I was alone just to get control of it again. I had a favorite dirt runway I used to land on, and I would ‘dance the plane’s wheels’ back and forth or see how fast I could come in or how fast i could land the plane. Sometimes I would take the plane from a mile high and point it straight down for as fast a landing as possible – imagining I was on fire and had to get the plane down.
It’s weird. With the exception of landing in a dust storm when I was training, I was never really out of control.
But there was something missing.
To this day I dream of taking a Cessna 152, making it a high performance aircraft by dropping a quiet and stronger water cooled engine in it. Soundproofing the cabin, putting a stereo system in it, painting it a beautiful red like the red baron, and pimping it out like a fast high performance two seater sports car with gorgeous interior.
Something like this. Only without the 1970’s pin stripes.
For this you need money, which I have never really had enough to pay my bills let alone build something I dream of like this.
But the one thing I started realizing as I was flying was:
It was a hobby. But it was not what I was looking for to sustain my interest in this here thing I call life.
I received my VFR pilot’s license in 1995, which is good for the rest of my life, but by 1997, I was drinking more (never jeopardizing the flying), working more (at $150 an hour, it was hard not to), and was having affair after affair despite being married.
I was missing something inside. And it was about then I started realizing – in trying to find ‘my thrill’ and fulfillment in the outside world – I wasn’t being entirely fair to the people around me.
I tried an open marriage with my wife – Lisa – in 200. but mentally, I was simply not prepared for it. Had I had life to live over again, I’d actually find it fun to have an open marriage.
Heck. My values have changed so much since that time, I saw this video yesterday that is something I would actually LOVE to do with my friends and lovers: You could say I like experimenting with partners and wish I could do things like this in real life now that I have ‘matured’ a bit…
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
The buddy is someone to have fun with if he’s NOT in the know. and the significant other is as well if she doesn’t know – just for the fun of it too!
But going back to my experimentation.
I had ‘judged’ my ex wife for the friends she kept who did cocaine.
I knew I did. And I didn’t like myself for that too much.
Because it reminded me of how I judged some friends and family members for other addictions such as tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, and more.
To some degree, I was afraid of looking myself in the mirror.
So when 2003 came alone, I met an attractive woman in Romania and decided to throw caution to the wind and take the time to understand addiction and ‘tobacco’ – I took up smoking because she smoked. It was a social thing.
It was yet another form of experimentation.
Now I had always thought I could ‘defeat’ addiction, and that i would never fall victim to it.
And when I decided I had had enough with smoking, it took me off and on about 5 years to quit.
But somewhere in there.
Jackie Killeen made a comment to me: “Do not judge” as she directed the taxi driver to locate a supplier for cocaine in Puerto Penasco – aka Rocky Pointe, Mexico.
What Jackie didn’t know was – I had mentally already prepared myself well in advance to try it with her for the first time.
I didn’t know what to expect.
I mean, I had been to Amsterdam years before, where I had seen time slow down with Colombian mushrooms. With Hawaiian mushrooms had an exceeding beauty to it normally not sensed with the average mind. With truffles, I saw a scary universe where a big headed woman who looked like a troll accosted me in my hostel.
But with cocaine. I knew it was addictive. I knew that it gave people energy. But I had no idea how and what it did.
I was curious.
To say I was EVER out of control with an individual cocaine experience would be a lie.
I largely used it to stay awake for long hours, for the phenomenal sex and orgasms I had with it, for the imagination it seemed to awaken and for the weird fixation I had with video games, music, and for discussion while on it – and sometimes for the occasional hallucination from lack of sleep. not often. But sometimes.
To say I was out of control with the addiction would be the truth.
I couldn’t stop taking it.
With the cocaine addiction. I had found what was missing in my life – imagination – but with this – there was still something I wasn’t quite understanding about the experience.
Why did my heart race with it?
Why did my blood pressure and body and even mind seem and feel healthier but at the same time horribly conflicted? And why did the blood pressure medication and other medications I was taking at the time seem to do more harm than actual good?
As time went on. I got tired of the expense ($1000+ a month), I also saw love interests and relationships zip by faster…
I knew why I began the experiment to begin with:
To understand myself better, to understand others, to understand the nature of addiction, and to simply teach myself a lesson about judging others.
So by the time 2011 came, i was done with my addiction.
Bath Salts was my hope for a cure.
But quickly became a new experiment in itself.
Quickly answering the questions that had sustained my addiction to cocaine.
I can’t say I was ever truly addicted to bath salts.
I can most assuredly say the answers my experimentation provided – as difficult as those answers were – were the answers I needed to learn to live a healthier and wealthier life and mindset.
So to my friends, family, and loved ones who have judged me for my experimentation.
I’m not like you.
And with my experimentation. I NEVER intended anyone harm.
So if anyone did get harmed, in any way shape or form, then I do apologize. That was NEVER intentional or my desire.
What I have learned with my experimentation is that my seven senses that I have taken for granted my entire life, are extraordinarily unique.
What I have learned with my experimentation is – that what I think does effect the very world around me, and that something or someone has gone to great lengths to obscure this from me for most of my life.
What I have learned is – what others may see as something imaginary or fiction or that is not there – is undeniably real for others. Just because something that was or was not perceived by you or by others does not make it any less real.
What I have learned is that tree falling in the forest may NOT make a sound if a deaf person is walking through by.
The Law of Conservation of Nature reinforces that.
What I learned is that a bear doesn’t necessarily shit in the woods. In fact, when that bear’s out of visual range, it may turn into an alien that has no orafices for shitting.
You see. I experimented with my own senses.
With my own life.
Not because I am or ever was trying to exit.
But because I found my passion.
On January 20, 2020, I will snap my fingers from wherever I am and I will then appear on the stage standing right next to the President as he gives his inauguration address.
Whether I am in a hologram all alone and I am absolutely insane and talking to myself or the world around me is real.
I have come to conclude is impossible to prove.
With my experimentation.
I have come to learn anything is possible.
And I have every intention of proving this to the world.
Think about it.
If I’m going to bend time and space and be anywhere I want to without it resulting in an implosion or a black hole or in total insanity. I’m going to have to experiment with my mind and work with it like nothing has ever done before.
You may see my experimentation as bad.
I now see what I went through as psychological training.
AS Jackie once said.
Do Not Judge.
Why do I need machines and this world to protect me – when they and you have all become anarchic and uncaring – as you reprimand me for doing what I needed to to get my own mind back.
When I can develop myself into something which protects myself?
Addiction is knowing that no matter what you or I do.
I will survive.
I don’t experiment to cause anyone or anything harm.
I experiment to enjoy and understand my life.
Sometimes, the two are indistinguishable, aren’t they?
Where YOU go from here is your choice.
January 20, 2020, I will snap my fingers from wherever I am at and appear on stage next to the President.