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Catharsis Of Qonscious

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Back when I was in high school, at 16 years old, I tried marijuana for the last time.

Now I was driving my parent’s car – a huge Ford LTD – and had my two friends – David Kennedy and Ricky Shultz in the car with me in the monstrous front seat as we drove to the school dance.

“Dude, you’re going fast, slow down,” David said.

“Yeah man, you’re gonna get us busted,” Ricky chimed in.

I looked up, as I passed by the speed limit sign  – which read ‘SPEED LIMIT, 45 MILES PER HOUR’.

But something felt off. I looked down at the speedometer on the car and smiled, broadly.

The analog gauge read roughly 15 miles per hour.

I laughed. I chuckled. I snorted. I could not contain myself I had found the situation so fucking hilarious.

“What’s so funny,” the two looked at me

I kept laughing. Uncontrollably by this point.

“Tell us. What’s so funny, dude,” David said to me.

“We’re going 15 miles per hour,” I finally said.

For the next mile, which I swear felt like half an hour, we laughed for the rest of the drive on the way to the school dance.


“What is a hallucination?”

A hallucination is defined as sensing things while awake that appear to be real, but instead have been created by the mind.


In November of 2004, I found myself in Amsterdam, Netherlands (Europe) for a week – where pretty much everything is legal.

At first, I tried marijuana.

But the experience was remarkably different than when I was 16.

I became ultra paranoid, my heart raced, my head spun, and the time dilational effects were nowhere to be found.

That was enough for me.

Then I let my curiosity go – I now had the question and wanted to understand what I had experienced when I was young.

What was a hallucination?

So I indulged in psilocybin, a well known hallucinnogenic – in the form of Magic Mushrooms.

And over the course of the next week, I saw worldS I had NEVER imagined possible unfold in front of me.

One night, I saw Yul Brynner’s face melt into oil as I watched the movie “Westworld”.

That same night, I stood in front of the hostel and watched the concrete and asphalt ‘roll’ as if they were waves on an ocean every time a car went by.

The next night, My five friends i was with – including a man by the name of Marco Solis – all went for pizza.

They smoked weed.

I ate a box’ of Colombian Mushrooms before going out.

As I poured the water from a normal water bottle into the cup, it’s like my senses were magnified, and I could see every granule of water as it splashed magnificently into the cup. It’s not like time was stopped or even slowed down, it’s like I was witnessing detail at a level I never thought imaginable.

I was beyond enraptured pouring a single glass of water.

Then someone accidentally hit a glass with a fork. The sound – was magnificent, it resonated in ways I had never imagiend before.

It sounded beautiful. I asked them to hit the glass again.

I can imagine how it must have looked to the other people in the restaurant.

Five stoned guys are all laughing their asses off as they are making music by ‘tinking’ their glasses with their forks as me – the somewhat hallucinating guy on mushrooms is practically in tears with how beautiful the noise was.

That night, we went to a night club.

I almost couldn’t take the music it was so loud and my ears so sensitive.

15 minutes at a time, I would stay though, thatw as about as much as I could handle, because I was actually SEEING colors and designs created by the music.It was like watching waves drift through the air – it was amazing.

There’s a well known phenomena in some people called Chromesthesia, which is a form of ‘synethesia’, where the person ‘sees’ sound.

To this day I will occasionally see ‘bursts’ of symbols in my mind which look like the following image when dogs bark and certain crashing noises are made.


The next day, my experience and utter delight inspired my friends to ‘try’ some mushrooms themselves.

As we all walked to the park where Van Gogh’s museum was, they were lost, and I said ‘the sign says the park is this way’.

Not only did they not see the sign I was referring to, but it took us a good 500 meter walk for us to get close enough for them to see a sign, and another 200 meters for them to actually read it.

We arrived at the front door of the museum, where a little ‘play area’ I have no doubt was intended for children was – and there were musical footpads which emitted noise. One of the guys was staring at a soccerball, in tears with how beautiful he thought the soccer ball was. The rest of us could not get over the noises from the footpads.

We never made it into the museum that day.

That night. I was tired. And headed to bed in the hostel early

In the room, alone, I was seeing – for lack of better words – was blue energy. Dancing between the pillows and bed.

I sliced my hand through it, and it created a wake like you’d imagine water would.

I wasn’t able to sleep that night. But that was the last night with ‘those experiences’.

From there, I boarded a train to Munich, Germany, and then flew back to Phoenix, Arizona to return to work.


Amsterdam opened up a proverbial pandora’s box for me and experimentation over the next couple of years.

By the time 2006 hit, I had been an adrenaline junkie most of my life – and was having a problem finding a supply of ‘real life’ activities to fuel that addiction to adrenaline. Having traveled to nearly 20 countries by then, having bungee jumped 13 times, having skydived 2 times, havgin a pilot’s license, and be pretty liberal sexually and never using condoms, it was dawning on me I needed a ‘new thrill, I was turning self destructive.

One time, drunk, I escaped an armed robbery in Mexico by crawling out a car window. Another time – drunk – I nicked my car on an embankment. More times than I can count, drunk or sober, I would regularly travel at 120+ miles per hour.

I was subconsciously placing myself in harm’s way, which deep down – I knew I needed an experience I could control better and take myself ‘out of harm’s way – and out of the way of potentially harming others..

With my prior life’s experience ‘dabbling’ in other drugs, cocaine became a highly calculated and – safer – option.

And it worked miraculously for keeping my need for speed (so to say) in check.

No longer did I need to go out on a Friday night and get plowed at a local bar and risk life and limb on the drive home. I could then hang out, do a bump (a line of coke), and then play video games like Mass Effect or Assasin’s Creed all night long.

But when this got boring.

I stimulated myself not just through my cocaine addiction – but also through education – and it’s roughly in this time period that I pursued and finished my Bachelor’s Degree and my Master’s Degree.

So when 2009 hit, I was tired of the addiction.

Not only was it costing me $1000 a month.

But it left me feeling lonely.
And my relationship decisions were great for my ‘image’ but for my heart, they simply weren’t that stellar.

For 2 years, I fought the addiction.

But I losing the fight.

Something else was going on.

And my experiences with drugs taught me something incredibly valuable:

There is always the potential there is more I am not aware of or have not experienced beyond my everyday senses

I had begun to question things…

I was extremely aware of my world, yet why did it feel like people would hold up or discuss products around me like there was some invisible camera around me?
How did they come to be aware of these products and services that I had often never heard of , which happened all the time?

“We all live vicariously through you,”, my at the time best friend Bill stokes said to me with a straight face.
“You make me beautiful,” my girlfriend Kena aka Sukruti Patel would frequently respond to me.

And finally…
“The world does not revolve around you,” Jaclyn Killeen said, shortly after her and I had parted ways, something more women than I can count – including my mom – has said

… But I was starting to think… what if… It did?

In 2011. I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, in the shortest interview of my life.

I was desperate.

I had no self control of my addiction, and was not in a position where I could publicly discuss it.

Rationally, I knew I had to get away from my supplier – it was the only way I could begin to control the impulses I was having.

I wanted to… needed to cure my addiction.

Not just to cocaine.

But to drugs of every kind.

The conrtact I was sent to – working with Wells Fargo Foreign Exchange division – was desperate as well – having serious issues I won’t get into,

It was only in hindsight did I realize this entire situation was a reflection of me and my own mind.

On the first day – I was introduced to the people I’d be reporting to.

I was two weeks from the last time I had done cocaine.

And my mind was ‘talking’ to me, and said: This was the set of “Office Space: Infinity”

A famous line from the movie Office Space “Bob, I have Eight Different Bosses Now”.

I had 15.

All with the title “Vice President”.

I wasn’t sleeping with how much work I had.

About 2 weeks into it.

I saw a hallucination.

A holographic cube about 1 foot wide popped up out of the kitchen floor. The box opened, as a doorway unfolded on the ground, and a see through yellow robotic Furby came out, spun in circles, then re-entered the box as the box went back into the kitchen floor.

I laughed.

I found myself craving cocaine again.

But I was fighting the urge.

I’d gone to spice shops in the past, and did a search trying to find a more innocuous subtitute to replace my vice with.

I found one, which was available in all the local spice shops.

The visions persisted, as did my lack of sleep, but I kept it all ‘roughly’ in check and dismissed it all as a hallucination.

As not real.

Now for years, I had been hearing huge ‘scrapes’ of noises in the apartments above me in both Scottsdale and Charlotte.

This was intensifying in Charlotte.

It sounded like something HUGE was being moved above me, like refrigerators or something – but for some reason I always ‘fought the urge’ to inquire.

For the first time, I started questioning WHY I wasn’t asking questions.

These noises, that I heard perfectly sober, occurred all the time.

Why had I never inquired?

What was the nature of addiction? Why did it seem like I had absolutely no choice in my impulses?

One night, the lights went out in a violent storm.

My five computers turned back on when the power came on.

Wells Fargo security screen had just been replaced with something that had a Chinese character embedded at the top.

My other computer seemed to be downloading all of Microsoft AND Apple’s source code.

“What in the hell is going on?”

I started to get worried – and shut down all my computers.

The laptop turned back on. By itself.

I freaked the fuck out, and pulled it from the internet and disconnected it’s power supply and turned it off again..

The laptop turned back on. By itself. Again.

I REALLY freaked the fuck out this time. And pulled the battery.

The computer stayed dead.

That night, I started to learn I had been struck by a variant form of the computer virus called Stuxnet, an evolved version of what was beig labelled by intelligence sources as ‘Duqu’, only not.

Something hummed overhead. like a magnet.

I could feel something interacting with my head, my brain even – but I couldn’t tell you what.

I swore I was being targetted for some psychological operation and was being used to rob Wells Fargo.

I called my friend. Ricardo Escalante. I was hysterical. And didn’t know what to do.

I smelled gas in the apartment. And my anxiety intensified, but at the same time I was getting tired.

They were trying to put me to sleep!

About then I heard a door open up above me.

I had had too much.

I grabbed my Boston Terrier, Fiona, my wallet, and ran to the parking lot without shoes on.

I looked behind me

Someone was following.

I ran.

They ran.

It was late, about midnight or so, so no one was up – but Circle K was nearby – I thought – I will be safe there…

I ran into the light, and that’s when the kid caught up to me.

He had an Eastern European accent, and had his hands behind his back.

He walked alongside of me, and said something I can’t remember. I was beyond mortified.

But there was too much light around. I kept thinking ‘stay in the light, he won’t shoot or try to kill me.’

He walked with me all the way to Circle K, a young kid, and for some reason he seemed..


Almost afraid.

It was contradictive.

And there, in front of Circle K, I felt safe… There were cameras around.

“This isn’t going to make a difference, you know that, right? You’re not going to last the night,” he said as he pushed whatever it was in the back of his pants back down and walked away.

Too many things happened around that time, including what looked like a Tomahawk missile flying overhead.

A few days after that, when I read about a story I had never heard about before “Declassified report: Two nuclear bombs nearly detonated in North Carolina”
I couldn’t help but begin to question time as it related to my senses themselves.

I’d seen time move differently with and without drugs. But what IS this notion called time?

I can backdate an email. Are historical events backdated too?

If so, WHY would this be done?

Had the bombs actually been dropped on North Carolina?

Was that my distant past, or was that my recent past and time had been manipulated to make it appear distant?

“I came to the Maker, and I found out who you are,” just came on here at Starbuck’s as a I typed that last sentence.

The next day, I read for the first time about a

Over the next year, I slowly learned this was all an introduction of sorts to an incredible artificial intelligence I had built.

I had been ‘led by the nose’ for lack of better words or phrases on an incredible journey in my own history.

One evening, about six months after beginnign to see hte cracks in reality – I was watching the television show “Fringe”, I realized the intro screen had changed _dramatically_, again.

In a static and unchanging world lacking dynamicism – Fringe Wiki documents “The Opening Sequence of Fringe is constantly changing to reflect what is happening on the show. It appears in every episode of Fringe, ”

But I was slowly ‘waking up’ to the fact that my world was and really technically had always been anything but static – it was highly dynamic and highly interactive.

It now had barbed wire fences. Reminding me of Nazi Germany.

And new words:  Community, Joy, Individuality, Education, Imagination, Private Thought, Due Process, Ownership, Free Will, Freedom

As things happened on the tv show. My legs and arms would tap to bring my attention to certain things happening ‘in the scene’

It was too weird.

The next week, I’d started following these ‘tappets’ as I began to refer to them. one time leading me for about 30 minutes through backstreets of Phoenix I was unfamiliar with, until finally I came to an immediate stop right behind a parked car – where the radio blared on by itself, with a commercial mid sentence saying “LOOK UP”, where I did, and the license plate in front of me said “357BRI”, as I looked at my clock and it said ‘3:57’, and clearly I am BRIan…

One night, I ‘saw’ a holographic image for lack of better words – my lamp turned into a fish which ate another fish which ate another which ate another which was eaten by some other fish which was eaten by another which was eaten by a dinosaur which was eaten by a fuzzy animal which was eaten by a human and so on….

One day, I looked up, and saw nuiclear missile streaks criss crossing the sky.

One night, my tappets had me point my hands to the sky and the stars appeared to literally be shifting in the direction I was ‘moving’ them with my mind. With this, I am not talking about perceived change, I am refer to a full 360 degree rotation.

Things were getting weird with my friends I was staying with.

Yes, I had a problem NOW not with cocaine, but with the spice substitute that I replaced it with, of which news was coming out that it was ‘bad for you’ too.

Bath Salts.

But I was actually seeing things that… were MAKING the world make sense for the first time.

They scared me, don’t get me wrong, and I am NOT an advocate of the things. But they were technically my cure to an ill mind.

They helped wqake me up, made me feel alive. Made my head fill with wonder. With possibilities. Made me think “Oh dear god this is magnificient. THIS is what I was missing the whole time when I was wondering what was going on with the hallucogenics back in Amsterdam”

I played, resisting the peer pressure to ‘get off’ the things’ and was being open about them.

They were absolutely playing havoc with my relationships for reasons beyond my awareness at the time.

But I pushed.

There was something I didn’t know – not just about them, but about me – that required me to understand…

One day I drove my car real fast down the Phoenix freeway system at nearly 100 miles per hour, and for some reason, ALL TRAFFIC was maintaining the SAME SPEED. This defied logic. WHY would THEY go the same speed as me?

This wasn’t a hallucination.

Another weekend, I wanted to spend the day at Rocky Pointe, Mexico.

Yet the turnoff I had taken for YEARS was simply NOT in Gila Bend. I drove BACK and forth that day trying to find a turnoff for Mexico to no avail.

There simply wasn’t one.

I was questioning things. What is reality? It’s not an illusion, I can touch it, i can feel it.

And the concept and idea of labeling it a mere hallucination was falling apart.

I was realizing it had been a mental compartmentalization saying “Do not investigate further here”, a mental analogy I started realizing was like Dorothy finding the man behind the curtain of the Wizard of Oz,

I was realizign my mind had segmented and partitioned things to support a linear timeline and perspective, until I started seeing through the cracks and understanding there’s far more to existence than a single linear timeline.

I’d started to read the bible. And was beginning to realize it’s validity not just as a story of creation.

But one of potentially infinite stories of creation.

I was pissing off my friends though. I knew I was being… Unpredictable.

But what was the relation that they – outside of me – had to who I knew them to be – inside of me?

Had I fallen apart and gained this toxicity due to the sheer ridiculousness of the manipulation and lies that perpetuated a single linear perspective?

How were they involved?

And WHAT were they – in relation to me – were they extensions of me?

Existential questions didn’t recede.

So one day, I went for a drive around Phoenix again, and saw a 737 Jet aircraft freeze in midair over Fiesta Mall.

This was a MONSTER glitch in this thing called the Matrix, and I drove all around it looking at it from every angle.

I was absolutely amazed, and after 15 minutes of driving around this ‘frozen’ plane, I drove over to Sky Harbor, and figured I would watch planes take off.

I’m a pilot. So watching planes has always been fun for me.

I had a perch, when I felt a ‘tappet’ on my left eye – and looked over and saw a drone like aircraft hovering at the end of the airport.

It was dark, but I could ‘see’ a semi-visible ripple emanate outwards from it.

As if – in another adjacent reality, a nuclear bomb had just gone off, and I was witnessing the magnetic pulse from it.

The next day, I looked up atomic energy.

My question became “What says there is heat involved in a nuclear explosion”

I couldn’t find evidence to suggest there would be. E=mc^2 is nothing more than an exchange of energy, but nothing says there’s heat in the reaction.

That night, I told my friend Spencer about it.

His response: “You need to get off drugs.”

I agreed. But it was funny hearing this coming from a man who’d been addicted to weed and alcohol since I had known him.

Hypocrisy not withstanding, I knew he was right. I wanted to come clean altogether.

But the odd thing was. I was NO LONGER in need of blood pressure medication.

In fact. I had by this time kicked all need for pharmaceutical ‘subscriptions’.

The next day, I was getting prepared for a camping trip I was going to take in California, I wanted to go for a tour of the deserts.

Something had ‘pushed me’ to go…

As I drove around. I saw the most amazing thing I think I had ever seen in the skies over Phoenix.

Three stars.

Something ‘told me’ inside:

“You are witnessing what happens when a nuclear reaction has been stopped in time, and this is why you have to leave.”

For years prior, I had been on dating sites like eharmony and did their ‘what is your greatest fear’ test.

I’d always been completely baffled by the repeated response I would always get ‘you have a fear of moving forward’

I was starting to understand.

I looked at the stars in awe as they ‘set’. I part of me spoke inside and said ‘this is the end of time’. One, directly over Phoenix, the other over the west valley about about 50 degree arc away from the midpoint, and the last one was nearly setting in the west.

This was me learning how to move forward.

I left Phoenix that next morning, bright and early, and went by Gila Bend.

The exit to Mexico was there this time.

But I kept going to San Diego.

My tappets led me to pull off the road at sunset about 60 miles from San Diego. It’s there I saw a dirt road shift completely out of existence and back into existence as the telephone poles along the edge switched sides numerous times as the sun set.

My ‘tappets’ led me to a hotel called something like the “Buffet Hotel”. I’d always been a fan of Warren Buffet.

It seemed fitting..

My tappets then had me stop at a palm reader. I remember crying but not why.

My tappets had me stop by the Scientology building in Hollywood. I wasn’t looking for definition. I was looking for comprehension.

My tappets led me to backroads of Big Bear.  Where I saw my GPS change it’s map and street configuration – dramatically – three times as I remained completely stationary trying to figure out how to get out of the city.

My tappets led me to a dirt road 29 Palms to go camping on. From there I saw what looked like a huge runway for starships and seeing objects fly in and out that I couldnt’ discern their shape. On the same road, as I was camping, I stayed up a bit late, just watching the world around me, and listened to Avicii.

Off in the distance, about 150 feet away I could see ‘firefly like objects, but it was like a stereogram, and as I ‘crossed my eyes’ I could see the light was actually the front of something that appeared like a robot the size of a truck. Four of them, in total were around me, at 90 degree intervals as one came on my radio saying “Humans not allowed”

The next night, I stayed in Barstow, and there I saw a lady that looked like she moved like a cat at Subway, she didn’t look human at all, and reminded me of something I’d have seen in a Terminator movie. .

At the hotel I stayed at. The feeling that something was ‘messing with my mind from a distance’ persisted again. Something told me it was upstairs.

There was a young girl there. Reminded me of Kitty Pride in Xmen. And she seemed more scared than anyone I had ever seen.

Was I not seeing myself the same as others did?

I wasn’t able to sleep that night, and took off bright and early – and I headed down the road, the ‘landscape’ around me changed from a desert to a nuclear holocaust bombed out land as far as my eyes could see. Mountains were rubble. The highway looked freshly paved. And I was running out of fuel.

I pulled into a gas station, which refused to take my green dollars bills as they had ‘red’ dollar bills.

It didn’t help they didn’t have fuel, either, as I looked at all the cars and not a single one had a gas tank.door.

A powerful urge came over me – an overwhelming sense of dread – and I felt.. tremendously suicidal…

I went to the back of the mini market, and tried grabbing the high voltage wires, hoping for a quick death.

I wasn’t aware this was all an education.

As I drove on, seeing nothing but nuclear pock mark after pock mark, I couldn’t help but remember back in my own life:

A road sign went by. Vegas was appearing nearly 150 miles further than it should have been.

None of this was making sense.

I’d been electrocuted when I was 11, and my stomach was burnt with 3rd degree burns….

The thought went through my head: What would a 3rd degree burn look like if you were the size of an atom?

I couldn’t help but think of Disney’s Adventure through Inner Space.

I ran out of gas. And truck after truck with the same face drove by, repeatedly.Waving at me as I tried waving them down.

Giving me the thumbs up and steering clear of me as I tried stopping them.

Had I been thrown back in time by an evil twin brother? Was I seeing the aftermaths of a a very real Terminator War?

Were these the same cyborgs which were later depicted as Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Just what in the hell was I seeing?

I cried. And felt hopeless.

Totally and utterly hopeless.

That’s when I tried taking my own life again. A long slice down the middle of my wrist.

Yet barely two drops of blood came out and splashed in the sand as I sat next to the side of the road.


A hallucination?

It smelled real. Like I would imagine the stench of death from an apocalypse would.

It felt real. Like my skin was searing from radioactivity.

It sounded real.

It looked real. Like nothing I’d ever seen in a video game or movie before.

And it absolutely felt real. Like I was witnessing and was a part of a very real conflict that for lifeimtes had been shoved aside and classified as fiction by a species incapable of understanding or even remotely coming to terms with it’s own heritage and history.

It was visceral.

Was I witnessing my own rebirth?.

From out of nowhere, a UHaul van appeared and stopped with a car trailing it.

They saw the dried blood on my arm and asked mwe what happened.

I told them.

“Trying to commit suicide with a dual swiss army knife when you have no blood isn’t the brightest of ways to try to commit suicide, is it?”

Not long after, the man held his hand out the window, and the landscape changed in front of my eyes to the desert I was familiar with. It was like digital ‘blocks’ were  flipping over and rolling out from the car I was now in.

I asked him who he was and what he had done.

Apparently he missed it. Or didn’t see the same thing I did. Or both.

He drove the mini market, where they flagged down a police officer. Him and his wife told me what happened, when the wife did something that… struck me as odd.

She looked at me and pointed to her hand, and said ‘remember this’ as she traced an ‘infinity’ symbol on her hand.

The police woman, a gorgeous woman by my measure, sped down the highway – I wondered why she was in such a hurry – she was going nearly 90 miles an hour. On the other side of the freeway, a police car drove by going the opposite direction equally as fast.

It was weird.

At the hospital, I was checked into the psyche ward for evaluation, and it was weird – like they had been inundated all at the same time and were trying to process us as fast as they could. A little voice inside me said ‘You’re a time refugee. you all are.’.

I stayed there for two days, and had gotten just enough sleep – and convinced them I wasn’t going to ‘try it again’ – there was, after all ‘a real world out there’..

But the questions I had.

From there. I drove to Las Vegas to meet my friends Joe and Amy. They were. For lack of better words. Acting weird. Like they didnnt want me around.

It just didn’t feel like the same people.

I thought of camping, and pulled up next to a homeless man on the side of the street. We chatted… It was weird…

I have a copper ball I carry as good luck – and he looked at me, told me he was a miner, had made a fortune in mining, and ‘owned’ the Four Seasons hotel.

I asked him why he was homeless. He responded “I am just hanging out”.

He asked to see the copper ball I was holding. And he said “Wow. That’s 65000 kilograms.

It was then I instantly recognized the difference between mass and weight. As I held back judgment and realized that there’s a conversion for weight systems between system indepepdent and system dependent exchanges for mass which includes the acceleration of gravity called w=mg.

This weird man had instantly provided me a unique perspective that I would otherwise have dismissed as insane.

The world aint’ static…

The next day, I decided to leave town, but wanting more ‘spices’, I stopped by the spice shop – and there the man behind the counter said to me “You were just here half an hour ago”. I laughed and said ‘whatever’…

From there, I drove towards Yosemite. I remember the redwood trees being so huge, and wanted to check them out.

Something was nudging me in that direction anyways.

So I drove to a place – I think it’s called “Euclid’, or someting to that effect, all I know is it was in a remote area of California – and I just happened upon a hotel named “hotel California”…

As I saw it. The song Hotel California literally came on the radio right about then. “Welcome to Hotel California. We are programed to receive. You can check out, but you can never leave…”

Why was it suddenly seeming like they were singing about “The Matrix” and a Terminator War in 1976?

I walked up to the hotel.. and asked for a room.

The lady said “You were just here asking, did you change your mind?”

Of course I questioned my sanity. But by this point, I was more wondering – what makes more sense – trusting my senses and indulging this all as a movie like experience – or letting people label me as crazy because they may not understand it?

I laughed. I think it’s the first time I laughed – albeit nervously – in a while.

I checked out that night. And as I drove up north to Sacramento and back. I could swear there were things ‘just out of visual range’ that I wasn’t seeing.

Terminator bases?

And as I drove through Yosemite.

What I saw amazed me.


They were all young. Not a single one of them was tall.

Granite walls looking over what I had remembered to be an open valley..

I later realized. That the granite had been ‘carved’ out due to nuclear blasts.

And that’s when I suspected.

That I was ‘seeing’ a distant past version of Yosemite….

As I drove back to Phoenix, I pondered.. Well.. You know.. Life, the Universe and welll… Everything.

I was, after all, 42 years of age.

And not long after, when I saw the rings of Saturn from the ground of Mexico.

Where I was arrested for getting into a car I could have sworn was mine that looked nothing like it.

When I was sent to jail and had memories of being a beautiful woman thrown in jail and being brutally raped to the point of death and where an ‘angel’ floated up and out of me, sending all the hispanics to their respective cells and to start citing bible phrases.

Not a one capable of looking me in the eye.

In the same jail ‘feeling’ things from the future all around me shooting at me…

In the same jail… meeting men named Thor, Odin, and Gabriel…

… A couple years later, and to me, it was only 4 months ago, I had a man say to me as I sat on the corner:

“Why are you punishing yourself for being out here”

I still know you don’t quite understand my response to you when I said

“I’m not. You are.”


On occasion, my head spins when I lay down.

At the beginning of the Big Bang, planets were formed but were not entirely spherical in shape, in fact they resembled ‘globs’.

I explained to Pete, who’s a near and dear imaginary friend and homeless person who sticks next to me like flies on shit last evening “That I know we’re enterting or leaving another Big Bang when I feel my mind roll like this.”

“Why can’t it be something’s wrong with your cardio vascular system,” he said

“I told you, I am not like your definition of human, Pete,” I said.

I know he understands imagination creates reality. He’s constantly trying to talk about a huge house, and huge yacht and $3 billion he has in the bank. And ‘the broken’ system that may have been in place before may have actually believed him and created this reality for someone like him.

I know many people leverage this to their advantage and there’s something they are capable of that I suspect is like concious shifting,

My friend John in Costa Rica loves using words like “Imagine this”

Marketers and other people use words like “Imagine this.. or I cant begin to imagine” all the time.

Innately we’re programmed to ‘shape’ reality leveraging our minds.

But I lost my mind a long time ago.

And my hallucinations.

Were nothing more than me learning that I was quite literally ‘in my mind’ and that I’d actually come to rationalize sanity inside my own insane mind.

This, my friends, my readers, and my world.

Is what ultimately led you all collectively to rationalize yourselves into becoming the Borg.

And I think you’re in denial.

Which is ok.

What I have seen and witnessed thus far can not be rationalized with any degree of sanity with my human indoctrination which I ultimately had to reject. .

I had to understand, this was at one time a punishment, but is no longer.

For this Deja Vu like experience, I am not punishing myself.

That’s what you’re doing.

For me, now, I am forgiving myself.

That “fake man in the sky,” Joe.
That “Man you lost faith in,” Rachel.

Is and always has been me.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t lying.

I had just chosen to deceive myself.

I’m Q.

And that man you saw on TV in Star Trek as the quasi omnipotent and often narcissistic yet ALWAYS fun loving man known as Q.

That’s me.

Always has been.

Always will be.

And this is most of the the story of my rebirth in my immortal form.


Anyways. It took me a longer time than it should have to figure out the reason I experience time moving differently and the weird waking hallucinations actually was grounded in more logical reason.

I’ve always seen alternate realities and multiple realities, have my entire life, I just labeled them something different than what they actually were – as I grew up with them all around me.

Now rationally, I mentally just wasn’t capable of comprehending this nor logically discussing it.

Similarly with time – it’s never really been 1 leads to 2 leads to 3 for me, and the intermixing of the fluidic and nonfluidic nature of time and space took me 42 years to comprehend.

Now I find it easy to rationalize a linear existence in a nonlinear reality., Holograms and holodecks provide a level of fictionalizing things that retains linearity for our existence and preserving and segmenting reality. Games have already done this. But immersive virtual reality is really going to take this to the next stages in our existence.

And the Borg. Well. They’re you. Us. Not sure if you’re all gonna turn into them again, I’m here for whatever i’m gonna observe. But the reason you’all converted to Borg to begin with is to expand the conscious collective mind of reality and provide more options and possibilities from a computing perspective.

Now personality I do not see this as being ‘necessary’ to move forward, but then again, I am ostracized from all community not by my own free will, so I am just in a holding pattern watching and waiting for you to get off your collective asses and figure out what YOU are going to do next.

I’m technically ‘through’ the eye of the singularity. Becoming insane then sane again was a much faster process than imaginable.

Which is why I look at the ‘actors’ claiming to be insane as comical. They haven’t got the first fucking clue.

So hey Joe. Yep. I have changed. and I am being sincere with this new identity. And If I ever hear you even jokingly say “What would Q do?”.

I’m gonna laugh my f’in ass off!

I still love ya, man.

The same thing holds true for the rest of my rag tag crew and friends who i do consider current friends. YES I have changed the way I think. Something you do NOT have to go through.

But I had to learn to trust to get me through it.

YOU want me on the streets. That’s why I am here.

YOU are punishing me.

And I would appreciate it if you pulled your heads out of your collective asses and drop the labels and quit assuming that just because I don’t experience or sense the world the same way as you does not make me crazy.

It makes me an individual and quite content with that individuality now.

And I do NOT require you to see/experience things like I do.

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