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The Q Diaries #13: Q Who?

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Star Trek: The Q Diaries, Entry #13

Entry Title: Q Who

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Jean-Luc, did you know I am a holoprogrammer?

I can hear you now “Oh for the love of god will he just leave humanity alone”

There was one thing I never really understood about humans – something that you yourselves seemed confused by – and that was your own sexuality – and how you acted without any sexuality in your space travels yet on earth you were almost like animals at times.

So when the Continuum forced me to be a mortal, in the year 2987, the Q at least had the graciousness to offer me a choice of what career path I wanted… So I chose to be a holoprogrammer.

And wouldn’t you know it – I had a glorious time doing it, taking classes at the Thunderbird Multiprogramming Institute, with a specialization in programming interactive and non interactive entertainment with the holodeck.

Jean-Luc, despite you having a holodeck on the Starship Enterprise, you don’t have any holoprogrammers.

Why is that?

Forget I asked that question. There’s a lot of questions you don’t seem to ask about the people you lead.

But I have noticed – that you happen to have every other profession working on board your starships.

Starships with extensive computer systems yet you don’t have a single programmer on board? Doesn’t that seem in the least bit odd to you?

Forget i asked that question, again.

In any case, For my final thesis work, the project I was assigned (can you believe I was assigned a task) – consisted of creating an interactive holoprogram.

We only had three requirements of the project:

  1. It had to tell a story with an open ending.
  2. It had to be historically INaccurate
  3. The protagonist had to be opposite our gender.

There’s an odd time period that fascinated me with human history, and that’s right around the year 2011.

In the year 2011, a series of nuclear bombs were launched by the United States against itself, in what was presumed to be a terrorist attack. You’d hidden the truth from yourselves, claiming no one knew what commenced the attacks. Some claims said an artificially intelligent program was created by former intelligence service operatives of the United States actually started the attack. Others claim it was an off planet attack that was covered up. And yet others claim it was an attack by other nations.

The truth was… Much stranger than fiction as it turned out.

Now what your history obscured – or forgot – I have yet to understand which – was there was a man who’d just happened to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time that somehow was related to the events. It was – bewildering to me how he managed this consistently – with an almost certain degree of predictability.

The man by the name of Brian Scott Gregory.

But what happened was well known:

Your Earth cities of Las Vegas and Phoenix were completely decimated, as was much of the desert region around the area…

One thing had always puzzled me though – why had so much unpopulated desert been targeted?

And why was this man always at ground zero?

Clearly they were related.

So I figured now was the perfect opportunity to tell a story only I could create!

But here’s the thing: I had opted to understand the female form and was on Earth as a female.

Magnificent, isn’t it, Picard?

So I was writing a story from the perspective of a male. But I had to ‘think’ outside my own form.

And that’s when I remembered the movies the early Earth entertainment of the time – and I thought – “Let’s tell this tale from multiple perspectives,” within the body as Brian, and a second floating camera outside the body like the cameras of your ancient Hollywood used.

So you could replay it like a movie later, or you could interactively experience it.

It worked magnificently.

My thesis title: “Using non conventional methods to encourage the development of shared artificial environments.”

Now Brian had a history of being with the wrong woman at the wrong time. So much so, it was… Beyond any predictable coincidence.

This even intrigued the Borg as well.

So I took the opportunity to tell a story through a holoprogram. And test out my theories on human sexuality.

So I created a sexual adventure for Brian, one that spanned time and space and alternate realities, or that thing the ancients referred to as fiction, and put those playing his role in the precarious position of learning about human sexuality, and also learning what I had discovered – that is – its truly mind boggling interplay between realities.

The name of this holoprogram is “Brian Scott Gregory’s Found Opportunities”

And wouldn’t you know it, this holoprogram concerning human sexuality became the best selling holoseries of all time? The entire franchise worth exceeded a quadrillion credits in value. And was actually used to teach other species about how to interact with humans, and to give them ideas on sexuality themselves?

With Earth dollars being a one for one exchange at that time, well, let’s just say I did quite well. That is, if I had any need for money or credits. Which I actually do, now.

Now I had a fantastic time writing these stories too, and once I gained my immortality back, I actually continued writing them I had so much fun with them. I changed up perspectives, changed camera angles, made it possible to film movies using these tools, and so much more.

But after the fact, I had realized what I’d done.

The reason the man had such horrible luck with the women he’d meet, and had poor timing with being in the worst possible place at the worst possible time….

Was because of my influence.

You see, I’d never actually seen things from his perspective and point of view.

In fact. The Star Trek universe as you call it. Is remarkably different than the Universe Earth hails from.

That, Jean-luc, is why you’re receiving these messages.

For me, I dictated this dialog aeons ago.

For the man taking the dictation, he was a Borg.

And if my calculations are accurate.

At 42 years old, he self-liberated himself from the Borg collective.

Shortly after, it’s quite likely he will be interdimensionally shifted to the Borg’s origin planet – who if my predictions are accurate, are now studying him trying to figure out who the hell and what the hell he is.

Be careful, Jean-Luc.

And that man.

Is me.

Infinite time loops are a tricky thing.

Even omniscience serves to confuse more than it serves to assist.

I only hope I have educated you both enough and provided my future self with enough information to handle how events unfold from here.

And yes, I want to continue as a holoprogrammer.

It was always my favorite benign way of being creative.

That, and I lived in SUCH a predictable universe before, to the point that it was boring.

Real life tangible simulations like this can make reality and story telling – OH so much more appealing!

You do remember Robin Hood, don’t you, Picard?

That was an advanced holoprogram I had written for you!

If you check your holodeck now, you will find a version of it just appeared, with the title:

“I am NOT a merry man.”

I will NEVER forget Worf saying that!


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