Back in 2004, I was sent to Eastern Europe on behalf of the United States government and the NSA to recruit former soviet bloc hackers to assist the United States in what is potentially the most confusing, costliest, and catastrophically devastating war the world has ever faced – the cyber war.
Otherwise known as World War 3.
I won’t get into the gory details on what’s happened with that war.
But in my trip to Europe, I stewed on what had been told to me by my employer.
There was a lot to consider about my own future.
So I chose to enjoy my three month trip rather than trouble myself on what I had learned.
I’m glad I did.
On that trip, I visited Germany, Czech-Republic, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Croatia, Bosnia, Romania, Bulgaria, Greece, Italy, and the Netherlands, and I wrote – passionately – about my experiences there.
Now admittedly, there was one major thing I was hugely curious about on this trip – and that was – what was the origin of this web site ‘www.nude-in-public.com‘ – where women could get away with walking stark naked in public places – often in crowds and restaurants, stores, you name it… they went everywhere.
I wrote about everything… and kept it on a web site called ‘mydeardiary.com’. With the exception of my ‘real’ purpose there, I detailed everything – my thoughts, my ideas, and what I was experiencing, when and where.
Which, being honest, you aren’t missing much with what I omitted. Oh, with one exception, I was shot in the leg on accident in Hungary by an Hungarian Army guy who didn’t have his safety on.
This web site had nothing but women on it, and I think I was a welcome change to the female perspective, which made my diary entries pretty popular. Like this web site, I chose to discuss the things happening with me, frankly, and as a ‘self check’ – I made it a fact to ‘write’ to make me happy AND at the same time balance that with the feedback I received from my audience.
I’d constantly ask myself questions like “Does this make me happy to talk about”, and “Am I being TOO much an asshole”.
Now halfway through the visit, I was in Cluj-Napoca, Romania – also known as Transylvania, where I started having a dialog with one of my ‘admirers’ – Carrie Lenik.
I can’t remember her screen name….
But Carrie and I developed a relationship which was clearly – based on appreciation of each-other. She was inspired by my travels and frankness, and I was inspired by her sexuality which made me feel comfortable talking about it, as well as her acceptance of this ‘real side’ of me – talking openly as I was.
I’d spent my entire life in a perceptual shell you can say. It was about this time I had found a way to break out of my perceptual shell only to replace it with another with a secretive employer. But I was starting to talk about who I really was and what was important to me at this time – and my sexuality – in a quasi-anonymous diary online.
Carrie was intrigued. She appreciated that.
About 2 months later, I got back into the United States. And we met up.
Now we hadn’t exchanged pictures, and let’s just say – that the sexual chemistry was absolutely there.
I had this weird attraction to her – for who she was.
I did not find Carrie physically attractive, at all.
At the time, I was still mentally recovering from a divorce a year and a half before.
But there was something… chemical between us. Not only had she accepted me despite the being the guy who was coming out of his shell, but she had encouraged it.
She made me feel good for being me.
Not just physically. But mentally.
On the second date, we had sex.
And it was amazing.
Now Carrie’s a tall girl, 5’11” tall.
Now Carrie and I regularly got together, and we pushed the limits of society with the places we had sex.
The first time we ‘pushed things’, she was on a third floor of her apartment, overlooking a pretty busy apartment complex parking lot.
So we got naked, and in full view of the railing overlooking the parking lot, we had sex.
Once I came, we ran inside, like little kids a little embarrassed over what we’d done.
But it was fun.
Another time, we were in the movie theaters, and we were both hornier than hell.
With highback seats in a bot so busy theater, she turned sideways, pulled her pants down, and had sex right there in the middle of the theater.
No sooner do I come inside her, and we pull our pants back up, then someone form behind us stands up to look over the seat to see if what he thought he saw through the cracks was really going on.
By then we’d been done. But I think him and his girlfriend knew what we did.
We’d find new places outdoors to ‘do it’, all the time. In the car, in an alley way off a busy street, on the front lawn of an old house I used to live at. And more.
But the difficult part for me was – this relationship was purely sexual.
I did not see us being long term, and she was fine with that.
But after a while of this.
The pressure started to come.
One night she cried.
“Brian, I don’t understand why you don’t love me,” she said. It hurt to hear that, because I did love her, I was just relationally fearful and not only that…
But the truth was, I was embarrassed to introduce her to my friends.
I think deep down, she knew why I didn’t feel comfortable introducing her to them. I always evaded the truth though.
I was just so NOT attracted to her in a physical way, I just didn’t want anyone to know who I was sleeping with.
We had phenomenal sex. So for me, there was something clearly so much different than physical attraction that did it for me.
But for me, the mental was only half the picture. I needed physical attraction as well. I tried telling her this one time, but I felt like an asshole saying it.
I’ll be honest. This was where I first started questioning my own vanity.
About this time, I had bought my first digital camera, and I took pictures of her and I physically in the act of sex. Penetration, from multiple angles.
And the weird thing was.
Those photos turned me on more than I can explain.
Five photos in all.
I shared them with her one time when we were breaking up.
I could tell she was turned on. But I also knew…
This was it.
Carrie deserved more of a relationship with a man who saw and felt in her what I felt with her.
I did love her. Do.
And she’s in a great relationship now.
Like every woman I seem to have sex with, they go straight into long lasting relationships.
I think I am being followed by the people who made the movie with Dane Cook in it called “Good Luck Chuck” where every women he dates dates him because they know the relationship will go up in flames but they will meet their true love after him. So he gets laid a lot. But nothing sustains.
Now did she meet him because of me?
Anything is possible in this universe it seems.
Carrie, I did and do love you.
I just think there’s a part of me that self destructs in relationships and finds something wrong because I’m holding out for something which may or may not ever come.
That, or my woman is every women I’ve dated.
And you, hands down, were the best sexually.
Now what Carrie did for a living – I still can’t remember – and I am tough pressed to say at this point 11 years later what she enjoyed and what she didn’t.
All I really remember is, that we had a physical relationship based on a mental connection that I still hold dear.
Thank you for those memories.