This is a warning:
DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY OF HIGHLY SEXUAL CONTENT!
And mother. Place this on your do not read list.
Lisa is a wonderful woman.
Unfortunately, we met at a wonderful time for me, but the wrong time in my life for us, as I was still healing from a rotten first relationship. I was incredibly selfish throughout the relationship with her, and while this is ‘about’ her, it’s more about her from my selfishly oriented perspective at the time.
I am curious about Lisa’s perspective on events, which is probably a story I will never hear about given that we’re no longer talking. In any case, thank you, Lisa, for the years you chose to share with me.
Back in 1992, I had been working at Orbital Sciences in Chandler, Arizona, as a embedded systems Software Engineer when layoffs started to occur.
As was typical throughout the 80’s and 90’s, there was cutting of big United States government defense budgets, where companies like this, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and General Dynamics would invariably be forced to undergo a staff reduction.
Not long before this point, I had gone through my first divorce from my first wife, Donna Suppes, who despite having gone through 4 years of high school together in a real small high school (300 in my graduating class) – I had never met her and her best friend, Angela Sutherland, until the day of graduation.
I will get into details about Donna in another entry.
During my divorce, I immersed myself into my work where I bonded with my team at Orbital, in particular an awesome man who was my manager at the time by the name of Tod Bjerke, a friend to this day. I was working 100+ hour weeks to prove myself, to some degree, but I later learned I had nothing to prove – as we got a project named LEAP (Lightweight Exo-Atmospheric Projectile) and its software completed.
This project was an ICBM Interceptor, ICBM stands for Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile, a part of the nuclear defense systems for United States against countries such as India, China, and Russia. I was initially responsible for converting the code from the 68XXX Assembler language to C, and had done much of the initial code and design work for things like GPS tracking of the interceptor, point cloud recognition of the target vehicle ICBM, and trajectory code I quite frankly didn’t fully understand to guide the rocket itself.
Yep. I was a rocket scientist.
But I’d burnt myself out. And starting to live an avid single life, and after a torrid relationship with the married woman Gaylene Richardson who’s husband nearly shot me (maybe he did in another life).
I started wanting substance.
I’d spent a fair amount of time at strip clubs, and have some VERY fond memories of the freaks I met there.
So after my first marriage, I knew I wanted a party girl, and a bit of a sex freak.
So at the end of 1992, the layoffs started again, a 10% reduction was inevitable at Orbital.
To mitigate the risk of so many people being unemployed at the same time, the state worked with the government to create a safety net – funds to help out of work ex-government related employees get more education, funds to help with the basic sustenance such as food and shelter.
I had already been attending Mesa Community College, a wonderful college I might add that I truly loved attending, where I had met people like Gaylene. My management at Orbital had worked with me to allow me to attend school there while pulling minimal hours after my 100+ hour a week stint.
I saw opportunity, and approached Tod and said “I am volunteering for this layoff”.
He stammered, I remember his reaction fondly, and said “Brian, you’re one of my best, You’d be the last one I let go.”
I was flattered. I’d for such a while felt so inadequate without the Bachelor’s degree education and more that many of my peers had, that for him to say this was… Let’s just say it felt good.
But I was adamant.
Wanting the ‘entire experience’, I was also invited to join the jock-like Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity.
I figured. Where can this party-mongering, undersexed guy get his fill without having to ‘work too hard for it’.
That, and I had previously been such a nerd, to be allowed and _invite_ into a stronger sports/ ‘in-crowd’ based fraternity felt good too. Like I was finding a cosmic form of acceptance for who I was for the first time.
I had registered for subjects like a highly advanced mathematics called Calculus, Physics, English, Digital Design Fundamentals, Humanities, it was a full and heavy load, and one that would have been difficult to manage in combination with living at a party fraternity full of business majors.
I clearly wasn’t thinking with the little head, as such heavy science and math classes are not the best classes to meet a woman in.
So on the first day of my humanities class, I was delighted to find myself straggling in late into a class of 150 people, with one seat right in front of what I think is one of two of the most attractive women in the class.
I’d been wearing shorts that day, and you know what was nice?
I caught her looking at me and my legs.
You know how nice that is as a male?
I asked her out that day, I can’t remember what and where.
But she embellishes the first night we go out, halfway expecting me to run for the door, like she was ashamed of what she needed to do for money:
“I dance nude”
My attraction level went from about an 8 to about 10 when she said that.
My previous wife, Donna, had a hysterical fit over me having a Playboy in our apartment one time.
I remember it fondly, “What am I not good enough for you.”
Yet she had an affair on me which ultimately ended our marriage.
So when Lisa said what she did, I first said to her: “Don’t be ashamed. I LOVE that you do that.”
It was as if I had slapped her. She’d told males before this point and they invariably seemed to shy away.
Not me. I wanted a wild girl. And one who felt carefree with her body. It spoke a lot to me, still does, when someone feels comfortable nude AND is sexy about it.
Now let’s put contrast on this: I saw a bottomless trashy dude pushing a shopping cart without pants here in Hollywood the other day. It was FUNNY. But it was, let’s just be blunt, classless.
Now someone who knows how to use their body and isn’t afraid of doing so…
Is downright sexy to me.
Not long after we started dating, Lisa had quit her job, she said they they were abusing her a bit there, and she moved on to the very classy Tiffany’s Cabaret (which is now Christie’s Cabaret) for work in Phoenix, a multimillion dollar topless club with an amazing stage and dance area. And nearly all the women there were gorgeous, but a bit too much silicon for me. That’s where I met Elea Brewer and Melissa (I can’t remember your last name, Melissa, I am sorry).
I was proud of Lisa when she took the job there, believe it or not, it was a classy establishment and got a LOT of travelers who came through there. And having a stripper for a wife soon to be marital partner, I didn’t ever think negatively about it. I was .. turned on.. .in fact.
She did something I wished I could do on occasion, only with the roles reversed – dancing nude for strange and attractive women who were turned on by me, and they paid for it. As a guy, that’s a total fantasy. And this is what causes men to like it when women do it. We imagine doing it ourselves for women, and it’s a huge turn on. There’s a web site called ‘the Dancing Bear‘ that has guys doing just this, and sometimes, I wonder – is this another reality, as there seems to be nowhere I know of where women are enthused about men like this and actually want men to dance for them like this! Heck, most women don’t ever approach men here, let alone feel sexually… willing to play.
I even brought my cousin, Scott Snyder, there one time.
Lisa was an exceptional woman. but only a part of what I wished I had more of in my life.
In a short amount of time I’d learned that I didn’t like possessing Lisa physically, because at the end of the day, I still knew who she was coming home to. And I could be myself sexually with her. to some extent. I didnt know me yet.
And not only that, but for me, it was too much fun going to see her, and with her being ok with other women dancing for me while I was there, it was just too… cool. liberating in fact.
We were very sexual together, and VERY adventurous, in an almost anything goes way, and sex the was fantastic.
It was like I was leaving the child behind and this was what a more mature relationship was like. A little uninhibited, a lot less possessive, and most of all – a lot more fun!
One time, I remember the moment fondly, Lisa and I were in my fraternity dorm room, when I told my roommate – Stephen Lishnoff – “hey man, take off for a while, Lisa and I want some private time.”.
So no sooner does Lisa show up, then all the clothes come off and we fucked for the next 45 minutes. Almost like animals. Nothing marathon, but it was all over the room. Pushed against the door, against the window, legs open on the couch, and so on. It was fantastic.
And when I came, she did at the same time, and about that time – the lights come on the roof adjacent my room, and about 15 guys started clapping and hooting and hollering.
Apparently, my fraternity brothers had taken a two level bleacher and set it up just outside the window overlooking the room, and with the large windows providing a full view of the room, we had a full audience and absolutely nothing was hidden for them to see.
Live porn, basically.
I was admittedly a bit embarrassed, giddy – not angry mind you – as that was entirely unexpected, but these were a bit of fantasies too, just unexpected, for sure, so I flipped them off and closed the window blinds.
It was all in good fun and I didn’t mind the audience one bit.
Perhaps that spurred on later antics…
Lisa and I had met in 1993. We didn’t call ourselves ‘serious’ at first, so I dated that other girl I was attracted to in the Humanities class, but that was a no go – too much a bitch (snob) for me, JJ – a Gamma Phi Beta – that and when things didn’t work between her and I she ended up staying that night with my big brother and ended up pissing his bed. She never came by the fraternity house again.
I met another girl, Eva Zaugg, on a trip to Mazatlan, Mexico, at about the same time I was getting ‘cold feet’ from a rushed relationship which is how Lisa and I were feeling at the time. Eva and I hooked up when we came back to ASU when we returned to the States, a feat that required getting ‘Lisa’ away for the night, I felt a little bad about that… But then again, I also was fighting myself on rushing into any deep relationships, so this was my subconscious defense mechanism at work. Nothing happened between Eva and I after that night.
I at this point started looking at Lisa as both a playmate and a lover, a partner who would be willing to go do and try things with me, without judging me, but who made her position clear.
A MUCH healthier relationship in my opinion than what I had previously.
Now between the blossoming romance and the incessant partying at Arizona State University, my schoolwork suffered, and after failing Calculus 2 not once, not twice, but three times, and Physics not once but twice, I was suspended from Arizona State University for a year.
Having worked in information technology for 4 years prior to this point, and attending ASU as a Computer Science Major, I was less than enamored with the incompetent computer science instructors who had no clue how to answer simple questions about the area they were supposedly experts in.
In any case, I took the opportunity to go work for UHaul then, where I met Ron Ostreim and dove back into programming.
As for Lisa and I – it was a great relationship.
But temptation struck again in the form of a gorgeous beautiful blonde by the name of Amie Olson who I worked with at U-Haul.
Lisa was always blaming me for doing something with this woman, as she was a regular lunch friend and we talked openly about sex. And had she offered, yes, I would have jumped at the opportunity.
You see, I had spent much of my youth feeling inferior. I was picked on a lot as a kid, bullied, until I became too big to be bullied, but I NEVER got the girl I wanted in high school.
And when I did with Donna, she cheated on me within 3 years.
So my ego was definitely in need of healing, and I wasn’t accepting this ‘program’ of a one woman man, particularly with infidelity running high, and seeing more fun and a healthier mindset to recover from the inferiority complex by regarding sex as something I do for pleasure and to feel better about me and not as something I did for life.
So one night, I was ‘out with the boys’ when Amie wants to join. I jump at the offer.
Me, my friend Jeff Kleinman (I will write about him later), and Amie all get good and drunk.
Then Amie says “Lets go to a swinger’s club”
Swinger’s clubs are where you go to have sex. With others watching. It’s an exhibitionist place, where couples frequently swap partners, or just go to be watched. Oftentimes you see group sex. and so on. It’s a bit wild. Phoenix has about 7 of them.
And Jeff and I are like little dogs. “You’re kidding, right?,” I ask.
“No, let’s go,” Amie says.
Amie had a boyfriend at the time. Jeff and I have girlfriends. But we’re all feeling very horny, so she feels the moment and apparently said what the hell.
The whole while there, I was having images of doing Amie from behind on the stage with Jeff’s member in her mouth.
But as fate would have it, Club Chameleon was closed.
Now IF I had a time machine. Not saying I do. BUT IF I did. I would go back to this moment, and change the night it happened to a night they were open, and simply relive that night in my own body.
It was definitely a time of opportunity.
I definitely found myself questioning. Is Lisa the woman for me?
And moreso – a question I wished I had the exposure or understanding or maturity to be able to ask at a much younger age – am I a one woman man or do I require a different – relationship that the norm is not presenting me?
Not long after this, I had some weird times with Lisa and her friends at Tiffany’s. One time one of Lisa’s good friends and very attractive co workers was trying to get Lisa and I involved in a partner swap, and she stuck my thumb inside her pussy and kept it there right when Lisa came over to talk with us about it, hiding it the whole time. That was… well. hot.
That’s when she invites her girlfriends, Elea and Melissa, along with us to the sex club – Club Chameleon – to have a foursome with me. They accept.
But for some reason. I am too.. Pent up.
And here’s another time machine moment.
Lisa started giving me a blowjob right next to the dance floor with the girls both watching.
Then she jumped on me and we started having sex, right there, with both of them watching.
Now the plan had been for us – all three – to go into a room with windows upstairs, and let everyone watch us four go at it safely behind a closed door.
But I was just too.. excited by being watched, and came within a minute.
I was spent. And that was that. I left a bit disappointed, and that was the end of the night.
Now had I had that time machine to go back in time with, not saying I do, but IF I did. I would go back to that night. Sit in that chair and say no to Lisa jumping on top of me, then led her and the three girls upstairs to have my way with all three of them simultaneously.
But I don’t. And I missed the opportunity of a lifetime – three gorgeous women and me.
These events started a weird.. slope relationally for me.
Not long after this, I have two women approach me in a nightclub.
I say no. I am torn, sexually, on what the hell I want. and when to say yes and when to say no.
In any case, Lisa and I got married in 1995, and we end up going to Hawaii for our honeymoon. It’s the first nude beach I have ever been to, and there were more guys there and they were all looking at me, nude on the beach, and not the women. *sigh*. Can’t a repressed guy ever get attention?
But not long after we get married, she gets a call from her ex boyfriend from high school.
A man by the name of Joe Shay.
He’s just out of the US Navy, and needs a place to stay for a couple weeks.
And she asks if he can stay with us.
It felt like a test. Do I say yes, and trust her with him? Do I say no, and in not trusting her, not trust myself and the woman I have judged her to be? Logic and reason suggest it’s just unhealthy, but that logic and reason stems form a possessive, paranoid, and insecure perspective.
So I said yes, and Joe ended up being a wonderful man and friend for years.
And Joe even remained one of my best friends up until about 3 years ago, when he decided to judge me for becoming something he didn’t approve of. As have the vast majority of these people I write about and call former friends.
Which is ok, I cherish the memories I had with this wonderful man as a friend.
Not long after this, I met Deidre Toliver at Blue Cross/Blue Shield. A very attractive black woman who I couldn’t resist, who we had a brief fling that lasted one night only – in the park right across the street from my old employer – Orbital.
Now it was about then that I started questioning – are we built for one on one relationships. I was starting to answer my own question with this, and felt like – yes, i was absolutely married to the right woman, but how do I tell her I want to explore life WITH her, and feel free sexually? When this isn’t how society is programmed, how do you ever broach the subject? I played it safe, and said to myself, you don’t.
In any case, in 1996, I get a call from Ron Ostreim, A man I will detail more about in the future.
He’s up in Las Vegas, and wants me to fly there on the weekends to work with him, Microsoft, and Mirage Hotels.
AS I indicated in my previous entry about Bill, I jumped on the opportunity.
But that’s when temptation really struck me.
About 3 months into the gig there, I became bored. I found myself going to the strip clubs again, thinking they were safe. They weren’t.I met a supermodel girl who was dancing at “Club Paradise” by the name Hailey who was from Phoenix as well, who flew home on the weekends to be with her lawyer husband who was a bit of a stiff in bed.
I am about 27 at this point, and I am clearly coming into discovering myself, sexually, and it’s like the beast is unleashed. One time Hailey and I had sex in the elevator of the Treasure Island hotel as I kept pushing the 27th floor, where we had a room, and the 1st floor button, as she hiked up her skirt, and the elevator filled up with passengers as I was inside her, slowly gyrating. Another time Hailey came to my room and I had a low floor there, where we had sex on top of a tv that hydraulically came out of the floor in the suite I was in. We had a few onlookers outside the room we noticed as we finished, at the same time the motor on the tv burning out. Another time right there in Club Paradise, within full view of everyone but _pretending_ i was only getting a sexy dance. And the coup de grâce. In the airplane going back to our respective partners in Phoenix, at 35000 feet, with both of us having friends and coworkers aboard, no one having any idea we were having sex in the toilet. yes, I joined the ‘mile high club’ with her.
In about the same time period, a pen pal I had met on the internet a year before Lisa and I met said she was coming to Las Vegas from Cleveland, and asked if she could stay in my room.
Brenda Bogslitch. Or something to that effect was her name.
It was then I was avoiding both Hailey and Lisa for a weekend while she was there.
And with Brenda, it’s the first, and only time I have ever used a condom.
And it broke.
The contract with Microsoft and Mirage Hotels in Vegas ended in January of 1997, as did anything fiery happening between any other women, so I focused on my marriage.
Not long after though, I was ‘out with the boys’ again, when I’m again struck by lightening.
And meet Shawndelle, a very young and attractive mother of two who was stood up on a blind date, who’s feeling both lonely and horny – and she makes it clear what she’s interested in from me.
I continue thinking… I wish I could tell Lisa who I am, but I don’t think she’d want this man.
I don’t think any woman would.
SO I continue hiding me. Shawndelle has a limousine, it pulls up, and that’s when my two friends – Spencer Anglin and Jeffrey Kleinman both unexpectedly invite themselves along and hop into the limo with us.
At first, I don’t know what to say. First, I knew this was a random hookup and so did Shawndelle. Second, I was out to have fun, and third – this would be a really weird.. but potentially fun experience…
Then I say. You know what, let’s run with this.
We all went back to Shawndelle’s apartment in Tempe, where I went into the kitchen, she flirted a little, we kissed, she was into the moment but not sure how to handle it… so I took charge… and I took off her panties and the rest of her clothes in front of the other guys and went down on her right there….They joined in.
For the next two hours, each one of us came twice changing places and taking her from different sides.
It was. Crazy.
Spencer joked on the way home ‘you know you put your hand in my stuff’… he had come on her back one time, and yes, I had placed my hand firmly in it to shift positions to her front.
That night, we arrived back at Jeff’s place – LATE – about 4 in the morning. We were still drunk, and opened up the door to his place stumbling in, and about that time a book comes flying at him from nowhere. It’s his live in girlfriend, Rosalyn (who became his wife), and she’s suspicious – and furious.
Spencer and I exit fast, me to go home to my wife, and Spencer to go home to his girlfriend who’s now his wife, Gina.
They never found out about it.
You know, whether I had an affair on Lisa or not because of what happened between Donna and I, and that justified it in my mind, I never did any of this to ‘hurt’ Lisa or any of my partners. I did these things because they were fun, and because I was exploring something I really enjoyed doing. Thinking, admittedly, a bit selfishly, which was … a part of being an individual and a part of being human.
I start to focus on business in 1999 and by 2001, I am torn the hell up with guilt about lying to Lisa – and blame my inability to tell her the truth about who I am and what has happened in my life – events I WANTED her to know so we could build a future on her knowing this is who I am – together.
You see, I had come to terms with me and this is who I wanted to be.
But in all fairness, what woman would want this in a man? A man who wants to share his woman and be shared? A man who wants to experience sex with his partner not as something to be done in isolation but something that can involve friends as a part of our family?
So in 2001, Lisa had been a flight attendant by then with America West Airlines (now US Airlines), and I finally felt I had to confront her with the truth, because I wanted to be honest with her about who I was – and see if we could salvage a relationship from this despite my misgivings.
That’s something I don’t think i was mentally ready for.
We tried the open marriage route. But it was me who felt the need to possess her as a partner. While I had a fantastic encounter while I was with Lisa and dated a woman who reminded me so much of Audrey Hepburn – Sandra Mentzer was her name…Looks just like this woman in this poster:
Sandra and I had fantastic sex, and I was hugely attracted to her. One time Sandra and I went to the swinger’s club, and she didn’t have any hesitation about having sex in front of a crowd.. I absolutely adored the girl… But when she pressured me to get a divorce to be with her..
Wouldn’t it be a trip to learn it actually was Audrey Hepburn and I was one of her favorite lovers as she was mine?.
but this is reality, not fantasy
My marriage was already faltering. And the way I looked at things was:
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am the one who has a problem. But I am just not going to tie myself down to relationships with commitment anymore.
They.. Scared me.
That’s when the events of 9/11 happened.
Not long after we started our divorce proceedings.
And in 2003, I joined the US Army, and manipulated the system as I was taught to do to obtain a full honorable discharge to join and work for the NSA from 2003 to 2011.
I love Lisa. Still do. And on various occasion, I felt like she was a brother.
So that didn’t help with the intimacy.
While working with the NSA, I learned about technology such as hologram and holographic ‘suits’ which make you look like someone else, I also learned about something called conscious slipping where a being can shift from one form to another because they have such tight control of their consciousness, and truly bizarre forms of unimaginable identity theft – that with some of the things that happened with Lisa.
I have always told her I cannot say I am sorry for what I did.
But I can, undoubtedly say, I am sorry for not involving her, because I was learning about the man I wanted to be, not who society was programming me to be.
I’ve been married three times, and Lisa, hands down, is the woman who most profoundly impacted me sexually – and helped me understand the exhbitionistic and sexual nature I wanted to embrace inside of me. but I struggled too much with who I was and my past history that I let it effect my ability to be honest with her about these things.
Lisa, I love you. Not just for who you are. But for what we experienced.
And the fun times we shared, and the fun times I had while I was around you that I wish I had the courage to involve you with. At the time I was oblivious to what was happening around me, and took it all for granted. I was just living a sexual and carefree life and having fun with it, and thought I was protecting you from the things that might hurt you: MY truth.
I’ve since learned the nature and the need for secrets.
And embellishment. Benefits of my former employer.
And a final note: Lisa, I loved you and you were a fantastic sexual partner. You’re the first one I ever took photos of us having sex together. And you’re the first truly adventurous woman I was with, not just sexually, but as a whole.
Not to say – having sex on beaches, against the windows of hotels, on the front lawn, on the top of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity – and that time we snuck into ASU’s Stadium – and had sex at the 50 yard line – that was one of the most memorable experiences I have ever had with any woman.
We tried salvaging the marriage through an open relationship, but that was something I wasn’t ready to handle.
Now, that’s a totally different story.
Maybe the next woman I find will have a little Lisa in her and will be ready for it too!