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The Q Diaries #3: No time to Re-Q

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Star Trek: The Q Diaries, Entry #3

Entry Title: No time to Re-Q

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Captain Picard, you have always known me as a practical joker of sorts.

Much to your chagrin, I know.

But let’s face it. You treat exploration like you do you treat your lovers.

Oh wait. You don’t have any.

Could it be because you’re always too busy trying to predict what’s going to come next without enjoying the ride?

That was a joke. Get it. Ride?

Oh come now, Captain Picard, you do know what sex is, do you not?

I suppose not.

One of my favorite pieces of technology the USS Enterprise you command has in it is the holodeck.

Now why do I taunt you so you ask?

Well, let’s just say I have for a long time had a morbid curiosity about the way your holodeck works.

You once had a officer by the name of Rachel Brown who was clearly bored with the constant threat of violence which seems to revolve around you and the crew of the Enterprise.

So I popped into an alternate reality, and located a… shall we say…indecent program by the name of ‘The Second Coming’, just for her?

She took the bait.

And to my amazement.

Your ship self destructed immediately and created a black hole!

I didn’t see that one coming.

Literally and figuratively.

I didn’t want to risk that happening again, presuming there was a translational error with the software between the realities, so I located some of the best holoprogrammers the universe has to offer and tasked them to create an equivalent program named “The Second Cumming”.

That was clearly an obscene reference to ..

Well you know..

And It tested perfectly. Too perfectly, in fact, creating quite the holoaddiction to the programmers themselves.

That was entirely unexpected. Such self controlled beings, those Bynars typically are, normally at least!

So not long after the ‘bugs were worked out’, I had the programmers load the program into your computers.

They were none to happy with having to deceive you about their reasons for being there at Starbase 74, as they ended up having to hack Starfleet Command to issue the order to you to report for maintenance upgrades.

The upload of the holoprogram was not without its flaws, as the personality characteristics loaded into the program ‘bled over’ to other programs, which I understand caused you and Riker a bit of consternation on the Holodeck.

For that, I deeply apologize.

Minuet was her name, right?

Now here’s the thing.

As expected, Rachel selected the piece of cheese I had laid out for her in her holoprogram list. And this time the ship didn’t self destruct!

I was delighted.

But my excitement was premature, for the moment the holoprogram came to life, she entered a room and took off her clothes, with no hesitation as if she was a program, and THEN.

Yes, it happened again.

The ship instantly self-destructed again!

Now this wouldn’t have been such a big deal.

But I could not, for the life of me, stop the sequence from happening.

Time was looping. And every time, I was seeing the demise of your precious and my beloved USS Enterprise.

It was.. bizarre.

I changed my timeline to prevent the Bynars from installing the program.

This did no good, they did an unrelated upgrade which resulted in the holoprogram  ‘The Second Cumming’ consistently appearing on Rachel’s list.

I turned off the holodeck. She’d come around and it would turn back on.

I sent Rachel off ship under your orders, Jean-Luc.

After 10 separate occurrences of this, I conceded on that avenue, she would invariably find a way back on the ship.

I introduced other lovers to Rachel to attempt to mitigate the risk of her selecting this program.

AND YET SHE STILL SELECTED IT, EVERY TIME, no matter how seemingly satisfied she was.

And the entire ship was destroyed, and in it’s place, a black hole was created, every single time.

I was hopeless. You could even say I was in despair.

I even tried whisking her to another time and place.

Other planets even.

It was no use. This created new missions which ultimately rearranged time itself to put her back on your crew and ultimately have her select that infernal program.

Even future versions of your space faring vessels were reinforcing her return to your vessel, from alternate timelines even!

And without your vessel. Starfleet itself would collapse not long after and the Borg would overrun the universe and then expand to the multiverse.

Every time, without fail.

Until finally.

Yes. I did it.

I married a human. And we lived in 20th and 21st century America where we could be of no harm or consequence to your timeline.

You see, it was the only way I could .. shall we say.. save your vessel.

And consequently, your universe.

And for that, Captain Picard.

I know you know what this means.

I am deeply and eternally sorry…

With kind regards from your past,

– Q

*** Transmission incoming. Federation Secured Channel EEB5566H8 ***

To: Q

From: Admiral Jean-Luc Picard

Re: Rachel

Q, Rachel was never mine.

We have sent to your time period a game known as ‘Star Trek Online’.

We have come to realize the benefit of Borg assimilation technology and have leveraged this to teach you about what happened and why.

The game actually controls,at a Quantum level, early versions of humans.

Of you.

AND OUR origin.

We’re awaiting in your future.

The choice on how to get there is and always will ultimately be yours.

And do not for one moment expect this not to be without lessons we have prepared for you.

With kind regards,

– Jean-Luc


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