I had always wondered where emotions come from.
Why. When I listen to the soundtrack from Tron legacy, am I reminded of the time I was living at my parent’s house up in Vancouver, Washington, and had decided to go out alone one evening when I couldn’t sleep.
I went to a club where there was far too few people out for the neighboring population.
I’d taken the bus there, and left early, and couldn’t figure out why there was a bus stop which sat in the opposite direction of the street. It made no sense whatsoever.
Three police cars roared by, sirens blazing, all driving within a foot of each other at nearly 70 miles per hour.
In my mind, I had voices echoing there, saying “This was a training program for a time cop”
It’s a lonely feeling, hearing parts of that sound track.
One in which I’ve come to realize – the things I have seen and experienced are not a product of fiction because they are.
It is actually because most people’s minds are ill equipped to understand the sheer magnitude of possibilities that this concept called infinity presents. How I and we came to be as a species, let alone a planet is nothing less than a miracle by every definition of the word.
And I realized the emotion from the music I had listened to comes from me.
Time and space mean nothing to energy.
To me, I transcribe a record of when and where and what happened, that’s my way of assigning and defining meaning for my life.
I never know when I’m going to want to feel something again.
Or when I am going to need inspiration.
When I turned 18, I made it a fact to visit Yorba Linda, California with my ex wife, Donna.
I was infinitely curious how my former friend’s lives were going.
The smells. The feel. All brought an indescribable feeling of emptiness with it though.
And when I played the song “Lady,” by Kenny Rogers.
I would cry.
Heck I am fending off tears right now just thinking about it.
For years, I had lived with an addiction to cocaine.
I am convinced my mind was stuck in a very real black hole, and the only way out of that black hole was to gain control of my own mind and temporarily assign a label in which I was a victim of something I didn’t fully comprehend, and a story which started me on the path of believing in something greater than me.
This is where I am convinced atheism combined with modern science leads.
Somewhere in there. I met a being named Jackie.
Who forced me to remember a song which will forever live in my mind and put a smile to my face.
“Rehab” by Amy Winehouse.
And I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was this instance with Jackie that music and song has created such an amazingly powerful positive memory which will forever change the course of my life.
Where does emotion come from?
And music is just one of the many things I leverage which provides me direct access to those memories.
I don’t need it to remember.
But it helps.
Physics has a concept referred to as Quantum Entanglement.
There are two primary definitions for it, both equally valid.
For one definition, let us say I am driving my car and every time I turn the steering wheel to the left, the wheels on the car I am driving point in that direction. Now if I could not rely on this physical interaction and the turn of my wheel directly coordinated with that of my tires – especially on a freeway – then I would be screwed, right?
Technically speaking – this is referred to in physics as one form of Quantum Entanglement – where the effects of one particle that occurs on another particle that it is quantum entangled with can be precisely measured and controlled.
When first posited, some scientists tried saying there was a mirroring effect, a downright goofy definition if you ask me – where for every twist of a quantum entangled particle the other particle would twist in an equal and opposite way. As scientists are digging into experiments with observation creating change in the observed particles proving that there are a myriad of state potentials with the entanglement, while they are finding the state changes highly predictable, they are not always inverse (or mirror) functions of each other.
In Quantum Physics, it is said that with THIS (and ONLY THIS) method of Quantum Entanglement, a SINGLE particle is said to be QUANTUM LOCKED when the other particle is immobilized.
Going back to the example listed before about the car. Should I turn the car off and the steering wheel becomes LOCKED, the state of the wheels WILL ABSOLUTELY be expressed by the direction I have the wheel pointed and will remain LOCKED in that direction UNLESS I EXPLICITLY sever the connection between the two.
In the case of the car – the wheels would be referred to as QUANTUM LOCKED in their position until either I turn the car back on and move the steering wheel, or disconnect the steering wheel from the wheels.
Put in terms of Physics – Quantum Locking is nothing more than the observed state on ONE particle when it’s entangled with another or another group of particles.
In some contrast to this is another form of Quantum Entanglement which is less accurate and demands a predictive rather than interactive method of interacting with it.
For this definition, Let’s go back to the car. The rules state that if that light turns GREEN, I am required, by law, to accelerate and move through the intersection. My actions are guided by that light’s state, there’s some measure of predictability with my movement, so more often than not, I’d accelerate through that intersection WHEN that light turns GREEN.
I am, to a physicist – Using another form of QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT – and am QUANTUM ENTANGLED to the light’s color, as my state change is dependent on the state of that light.
But ANY number of things may happen which may prevent me from moving forward when that light turns from RED to GREEN, whether that is inattention, car problems, road hazards, someone else blocking my way, or I simply choose not to, etc. While my behavior and the expected outcome of that light turning from RED to GREEN may be for me to accelerate, and while the vast majority of the time you MAY be able to predict my actions, with too many variables and possibilities there’s going to be circumstances where you simply will not be able to.
Put specifically, THIS form of QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT scientists believe something will happen when you spin an entangled particle one way, but that prediction is precisely that – a prediction – and not necessarily guaranteed to be true. Unlike the directly interactive method, the state of the entangled particle is said to be ‘reactive’ to the state changes we might make in the particle we’re manipulating.
Now take this a step further.
The rules and laws implemented within that traffic light’s programming effect my behavior as a driver.
Years ago, I used to drive to my girlfriend’s house when she got off work – she was a topless dancer and she was typically getting off work between 11pm and 1am. So I would leave my place in South Tempe, and hit the light at Yale Street and McClintock when absolutely no traffic was there.
This light was programmed in the most annoying fashion imaginable. At night, it didn’t expect much traffic other than traffic down the main street, so it remained red for LONG periods of time as I waited for it. MOST of the time I obeyed the light. But this came to be pointless as I would sit there for up to ten minutes waiting while not seeing a soul drive by.
I tried running out of my car and hitting the walk sign for pedestrians. The light ignored me. I tried backing up and then driving forward to get sensors to recognize me or think there was more than one car then. I was ignored.
So finally. I made a command decision one night, and drove through the red light.
I trimmed 10 minutes off my drive time by making this move.
And got laid 10 minutes earlier than I expected.
The OBSERVER EFFECT is ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT to understand when measuring ANY QUANTA.
For instance, let’s say you’re the traffic light and watching me based on the rules you’ve been programmed with. You’re going to see behavior which reflect the rules you implement. BUT if you watch carefully. You’re going to see behavior that reflect other patterns.
Patterns such as disobedience to rules you may have implemented.
So it’s important to note that when working with the latter form of Quantum Entanglement, the OBSERVER EFFECT influences in subtle ways the behavior of the Entangled Quanta.
Quantum Locking IS real.
It’s leveraged explicitly for a form of Quantum Entanglement where direct control is critical.
Like that steering wheel.
Yesterday, while I was sitting here at Starbuck’s – a random woman came up to me, and asked me if I’d like her to get me some groceries at Ralph’s.
I politely declined, and thanked her, and explained how I have EBTs for food which – while meager – provides enough for me to satiate myself.
She came in today, and we chatted for about two hours.
As we were conversing – she explained how she knows seven spoken languages, that she translates for Mossad (Israel’s intelligence agency), and is a programmer in a Israeli-English language I’d never heard of before in addition to knowing C++, and a variety of programming languages I knew.
I asked her what got her into programming, and it felt like that’s where her story began to become transparent. About then it began to feel improvisational, unrealistic – like there was too much she had detailed and it felt like she was competing with something but when it came to the linear integrity, her story just unraveled.
About that time I put my attention back on my computer.
And told her politely “Hey, I have classwork I gotta jump on, it was great talking to you”
She got the cue. And she left.
Not long after, I was playing my game – Everquest 2 – and I noticed something peculiar.
I’d targeted a group of goblins – there were three in the group – and I’ve been noticing the targeting is peculiar – and if I target one in a group there’s a circle drawn under each member in the group.
I sent my pet in to attack – a bugbear I had charmed – and as expected all the goblins in the same group started attacking the bugbear. With the bugbear having aggro, I figured it was safe to attack the goblin I had sent him after.
Sometimes I do this too soon, attack something my pet’s attacking – and the thing I sent my pet in after comes after me the moment I throw a DoT (Damage Over Time) spell on the mob. And this time was no exception.
But what was weird was the entire group came after me. Not, as expected, the single goblin. But the entire group when I threw the DoT at him.
In any case, I died. Spell casters infamously can’t wear armor and when pounded on by more than one mob that’s roughly the same level, it’s over pretty quick and not even remotely a fair fight.
I’d had a similar occurrence happen while playing the video game Star Trek Online.
After teleporting to a planet with my away team, I could send my entire away team to attack a high level group, but invariably, they’d all come chasing after me. Every freaking time. even if I didn’t attack, they would come after me if I sent my away team in to go fight the battle.
Now this all got me to thinking about this lady.
And how my first knee jerk reaction would be to dismiss her as full of shit.
In fact, I thought it at first when she was talking.
But when I played Everquest 2. I challenged myself to come up with different explanations for her behavior based on any number of my experiences in video games and watching tv shows.
I think all too often I – and others – explain away things that aren’t ‘on the same page’ as ourselves intellectually by referring to the person as being delusional, hallucinating, or living in a fictional world.
I myself know the perils this creates with social development – and interpersonal communication, let alone the paranoia this mindset induces when coming up with an answer on why others are doing things in such a way that defies the way I think, consume and interpret information and perceive the world.
With that said, here’s a list of explanations on how someone can speak seven human languages, know several computer programming languages – some of which I have never heard of before despite spending 35 years in the industry – and have more life experience than me despite not appearing to be older:
- She’s speaking on and representing a collectively based lifeform, much like the Borg, and is coming to terms with what individuality is and what can be accomplished on a single linear timeline. This explanation is the most viable to me, and the evidence was simple: The sketchy and questionable history of what got her into programming to begin with, and the paranoid nature and ‘fight for justice’. I’m coming to detect a pattern of those who think and act collectively and lack individuality tend to be looking for their demons externally and seem to persecute their demons in the name of justice.
- She’s simply more mentally adept than me as an individual, and my mind’s having a difficult time comprehending how someone could have done what she’s done and looks for holes. While this is absolutely possible and not to be eliminated as a possibility, it’s second in the list of possibilities because of one reason: the lack of concrete history and linearity to her history and the description of what got her into her field of expertise to begin with.
- She’s an actress
I’m in Hollywood. And Hollywood infamously has gotten what I understand of programming and computing wrong on a regular basis. Whether it’s errors with IP addresses, or people being able to do things on computers with little to no training or expertise.Now I’ve come to suspect Hollywood could in part be a collective entity that I’ve been observing this entire time, and with the ubiquitous uniform nature of the erroneous depiction of computers, programmers, and hacking in general, this girl could easily have been an individual who’d been educated as an actress to give me her spiel, or a ‘member’ of the collective guided like an avatar on a string to talk to me.
No matter. While #1 and #2 can potentially STILL be true with this remaining true. This is a strong possibility in my opinion.
- She’s an individual lying and most if not all of it’s a story.An enigmatic programming language I’d never heard of before? Well now that I accept factually multiple universes and alternate realities, this isn’t so hard to believe anymore. Resultingly, this skepticism is shoved down to #3 on the possibilities list.
Why is she lying? Not worth considering or diving into since this was de prioritized to #4. Definitely a possibility still, but with how much I am preferring to find a way to reprogram my own mind to do precisely what I please, sustained feeding of paranoia while within a potentially simulated environment isn’t the wisest and most strategic of advantages to achieving the goal of making this, my reality, whatever I dream and want it to be.
So what did the games have to do with this all?
The collective behavior of goblins.
When poked. They demonstrated a nature I wasn’t expecting and I paid for it with my life.
A mistake I’ve made again and again and again in real life and have built up a defense system of my own to mitigate the risk which includes erasing my own mind, memories, and more.
Always to achieve my personal goals though.
You know. World domination and stuff.
In 1999, I began work on a program which would change the world for my company, Touchscape.
For all intents and purposes, I regarded Touchscape and this program as my baby.
Written in Visual Basic 6.0 and SQL Server, what the program did was simple:
Companies would have a web site, say China Mist or Ping, two of our first customers, and rather than outsource customer support – especially to third world nations such as India or some other country which still appears to be the trend, my system would create online help and support systems for a company to reduce and even eliminate the cost of outsourcing call center work to any third party.
So not only could these companies reduce the staff necessary for help…
But they could leverage the same exact database they used for online support as they did with their help staff. So when questions customers would ask were answer and updated by the call centers in the database, simultaneously that information was available online to anyone in the world.
The cost savings to companies with heavy costs in call center operations providing customer support was dramatic, and we could prove it, and the venture capitalists knew it.
And our valuation skyrocketed as a result.
It was a head turner, for sure, so much so that PC Magazine did an article on Touchscape (shortly after I was shoo’ed out and had put my hard effort into it)
How it worked was simple: My program, written entirely in the Visual Basic 6.0 language with a SQL Server database back end I modeled after mother nature herself, would scour a company’s internal network and databases and retrieve any and all information about the company. From there, it would scrape the public facing web pages,and pre-generate a template which contained the look and feel of the web site.
The process wasn’t perfect and required a fair deal of customization to select what was visible to the outside world and what wasn’t, as well as fixing ‘little things’ that couldn’t be accomplished programmatically in adjusting the look and feel to make our help and support system fit in seamlessly with the rest of their web presence.
And little did the investors of the time know – but this was our silver bullet – where we had focused our real long term profitability on – by providing consultants from Touchscape who would be responsible for tweaking, or ‘provisioning‘ the system and framework as we called it.
Some who knew of our long term profit model argued we were merely replacing one cost with another by saddling ourselves with the customers as provisioners for their help and support system, in contrast to a call center operation which the customer could freely choose any call center they wanted. Once they were in a relationship with us, this was a commitment on both of our parts – and one we couldn’t as a company easily walk away from.
I understood the point.
But I committed to the model.
The program was an organic framework which would learn and self optimize. I was once chastised by a Doctorate DBA who my partners had hired from the University of Arizona for anthropomorphizing data, he’d become all too familiar with how endeared I was to my baby and making changes to it, but he had some excellent suggestions I’d stuck with.
For instance. Aging and Weighted Algorithms for data. Let’s say you’re Ping and you’ve been around since 1959. Now when a customer contacts you and you’re Ping, if you are in 1999 when we first started doing business with Ping, you’re not going to want to return information about golf clubs from 1973.
Well this is what we found when we scoured their databases and intranet, which wasn’t proving to be very helpful to an owner of a high price club they’d just bought here in 1999. So Kevin – the DBA from UofA – introduced a weighted algorithm which prioritized database searches by chronology, and let us assign chronology to things that didn’t have an apparent chronology connected with it.
I’d been so focused on the elegance of my evolutionary architecture that learned – like a child does. I suppose that’s why I considered it to be my baby. I had just lost sight of the customer experience and am thankful Kevin came around to remind me of that.
In the end. I was forced out of the company for my focus and desire to support an entire community of diverse companies rather than a single company.
And while sometimes I question my decision and wonder what happened to my friends and loved ones and the timeline they went down as I refused to follow the same timeline.
I look back. And find comfort in the experiences I’ve had and say.
Sure. There’s things I would do differently when I have at my disposal a device which allows me to recreate the experiences of my past in a fully immersive simulated environment.
But my decision and belief in focusing on supporting many companies.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
I wonder if Touchscape has any viability as a model now, and if call centers costs are still a problem with the corporate world I’ve lost touch with?
I’m homeless and without a penny to my name and not like anyone’s listening to me ramble anyways.
SO it’s not like any of this matters.
I do right by Touchscape.
Sometimes you have to anthropomorphize.
In 1996. I went to COMDEX, and tried out something called the Virtual I/O goggles, a low resolution set of virtual reality glasses that provided a really poor virtual reality experience.
I have epilepsy. So my mind fractured. Split in two.
So a part of my mind stayed in that simulation.
So when I removed the goggles, I was still in a simulation and was merely removing the goggles in a simulation, as my mind was contained in that simulation which looked and felt exactly like the real world as my body remained behind in the real world.
The goggles were a ploy, a low resolution design to make Virtual Reality seem and feel light years away, when the reality was they created an experience which was indistinguishable from reality through a neural interface.
How long did I stay in that simulation?
I’m not entirely certain. I know from that time period, I have what I refer to as a primary timeline, but I have several instances in there where I have seemingly conflicting events which have happened.
One timeline where Lisa, my second wife, died. Another one where Lisa acted like she was God with me berating me in front of all my friends for setting up a camera in my computer den and spying on Elea who I knew walked around the house naked while I wasn’t there. Another one where I contacted the police who in turn contacted the FBI to work with me to catch the NSA spying on the company (Touchscape) I’d created. And the NSA pursuing me for the following years until they made offers I couldn’t refuse to come work for them in 2001.
One primary timeline. Another secondary one, and numerous alternatives and numerous deviances in there.
Once I joined the US Army in 2003, that marked what I think was a convergence point. Where the ‘separate’ versions of me and my mind attempted to fuse together to try to establish one timeline.
At this point I remember being shot by the DC Sniper while I was stationed there.
I remember meeting an alternate reality version of Edward Snowden, who was ghostly pale and had joined the US Army with his wife who were both lawyers and hated law school and had decided to join the military because the military would write off their debt – to the tune of $60k a piece – a figure I remember for how costly it was and I thought it was expensive at the time.
Now I’m suspecting that the leadership of this country thought the ‘version’ of me they interacted with through the NSA was a/the dominant version. I know he interacted with Warren Buffer and assisted Warren Buffet in his reality with the merger of Prudential Real Estate and Relocation to his portfolio as HomeServices.
Now what I do know is – he was leveraging and working through me to manipulate markets, specifically the foreign exchange, where I’d invested $2500 and within minutes that escalated to $7500 where I’d wished I’d have dropped out, as I would have tripled my money but didn’t. So I wound up losing my $2500 investment entirely.
Throughout this time period I was heavily addicted to Cocaine and then Bath Salts. Which I’m suspecting was because of manipulations done to me by others in alternate realities – and I suspect the cocaine and bath salts both were sacrificing my ability to choose of free will.
I’m suspecting this is what led – in part – to the convicted belief that the “NSA” version of me was the dominant version of me by others.
Now in 2011. I wound up seeing an alternate reality which was torn apart by nuclear war.
I’d been electrocuted in 1980. And had third degree burns on my stomach and abdomen which doctors claimed would never go away. Yet they did. I abhorred the thought of being scarred for life, which I have no doubt contributed to the scars going away over time.
In 2011. When I saw the nuclear apocalypse world with Terminators repairing it, I believe the bath salts had physically reduced me in size to smaller than the size of an atom, and I was seeing my own body at a submolecular level – and came to realize that I’d never lost anything ‘to time’, as the reduction in size was like going back in time seeing my own body from a different perspective as it was being healed by things I didn’t fully understand.
It was at this moment where I tried committing suicide – that a man and his girlfriend came into this destroyed world – in an SUV trailed by a UHaul that I believe ‘the version of me’ that had been ‘in a simulation’ either parted ways with me, ascended, or left the world altogether as I started receiving information about both of our journeys together.
Since then. I’ve realized that in energy – and thought – anything is possible. I’d been a programmer and epilepsy was a part of my superpower which included multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia which when combined with nonlinear time formed the basis and foundation of this – my world and reality.
I have developed the capability to project images of people outside of me, and currently learning to control this power.
My mind actively erases evidence from anyone which might suggest I have a disorder, so should anyone accuse me of talking to someone they can’t see or they claim is not there, my mind’s supporting a more personally beneficial role in my life by altering those conversations and accusations and leave me ignorant of this.
Now one thing I’d like to do with this power is create figments that only i can see and physically interact with to experiment with ‘in energy’. Whether that’s an attractive woman. A butterfly. Or an alien. I’d like to reach a point where these manifestations can be controlled and I can maybe even film them to create movies.
And make a living with this…. talent.
Get off the streets ya know.
Now in the desert that day, where that man who picked me up with his girlfriend.
He waved his hand out the window and the landscape turned from the landscape it had been to the desert in it’s natural state.
At the time. I was amazed. But didn’t like the digital feel to it as it felt like tiles were being flipped over to expose the world.
I’m fine with that now.
And like the idea of this ‘power’ if you will being able to transform landscapes and my surrounding environment too.
Transforming my tent to a mansion with a harem would be a clear goal I’d have.
What others saw when they looked at me?
Being sincere. YES it does matter. It has to.
I’d like to manage both images.
And alternate between the two.
One last thing. I’m assuming ‘that split mind’ is with me as I write this. I’d like to direct that mind to enter people and override what they’re going to do to spend time with me and do things with me. In particular, I’d like to point at an attractive woman in line, snap my fingers and mentally say ‘her’ – and in that moment, something enters her mind which attracts her to me and it’s everything she can do to not rip her clothes off and jump me which compels her to talk to me.
Clearly this is an experiment. Clearly there’s room for adjustment. I’ll blog everything openly and what happens.
I have no doubt this will get old. But it can be fun and I’m tired of ‘working for it.’
One primary timeline. One where I consulted for companies such as SKG and Technisource and my own company, Vrilliant, for companies like Wells Fargo and UTI.
The others. Are supportive timelines. I cant’ dismiss them. But I am compartmentalizing them and labeling them as alternate realities that are adjacent to my own – always accessible.
And no longer dismissed by calling them a hallucination, fiction, or some other form of not being real.
For the longest time growing up, I could not understand sports for one simple reason
I did not understand why those rivalries existed.
The University of Arizona and Arizona State for instance.
Sure, I attended ASU, and I was even involved in intramural sports competitions between the house I was involved in, the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, and other houses.
While I vaguely understood why the Pikes hated the pretty boy Sigma Nus who attracted mainly guys who came from wealthy backgrounds, the rivalry between the Pikes and the Sigma Phi Epsilon – or SigEps as we called them – particularly at intramural time – was the main attraction – as they housed the largest ratio of highly athletic guys.
The Pikes took it all home the year I was involved in.
They had most years according to the trophy on their walls.
And while ASU had a losing streak against UOfA and lost the year I attended (1993) 34-20, for me it was all no big deal. It was just a game.
Growing up, my father – David Gregory loved his games.
But playing with him was decidedly unfun because invariably, he’d get angry as all hell when he would lose, and when he would win, he would made sure everyone was well aware of his delight in his victory and superiority.
That was my father, who I learned to love in my own way, but for certain things – especially when it came to games, I learned to only invest enough of myself emotionally to enjoy the friendly competition, and walk away when it got to the point of being unfun.
That word – unfun – is copyrighted by me by the way.
No matter. I have seen throughout my life healthy and unhealthy competition happen everywhere – between colleges, people, countries, you name it. Rivalries which seemed to exist in some cases based solely on location and proximity, and nothing more.
Rivalries which would turn into bloody battles.
Over something as simple as a sport like European soccer.
And then one day I realized something.
Evolution had permeated the collective mind of society as a process.
And society was acting in accordance with evolution.
You know – one thing that makes me sad was my own actions.
For years. I’d competed with my own father for income level.
When I surpassed him it was anti cathartic.
And I’d realized I wanted both my parents to have a good life. And income wasn’t making a difference.
It was about then, I began trying to make my father proud of me.
He’d achieved some college education. But I know if it wasn’t for us kids, who changed his life by our presence, he’d have achieved an education he wanted and probably so much more.
So when I pursued a Bachelor’s Degree. A part of me was doing it for my father.
My way of saying “Dad, While we have our differences that make us both unique, I love you and respect you, and you are in huge part my motivation for pursuing and finishing my bachelor’s degree. A big part of my completing that degree was ion the sincere hopes of making you proud of me. “
It was the first time I’d done something for me and for someone else.
And in a competitive world.
It was my sincere hopes that the Bachelor’s degree and Master’s degree would find myself with a higher income and living a truly jet setting life of luxury after struggling most of my life to live a life free of financial burden in a leadership role in a company or organization I was truly passionate about.
Things didn’t quite turn out that way.
And as I go to sleep, alone, in my tent as a homeless man every night talking to the stars and my only company is the black cat that by comes for tuna leftovers.
I reflect on my life thinking.
“I know what I’ve done in my life was the best I could do with what I knew at the time. So why do things have to persist like this?”
I just don’t understand.
Sure, I have regrets.
For instance – in 1996 I bought a Corvette – which was my baby – but with how much insurance was – $600 a month, I was afraid of letting anyone drive as they were explicitly not insured by the policy.
So when my father asked for the keys – he wanted to drive it around.
“You don’t trust me,” he said.
He was hurt.
This is among the reasons I am teaching myself how to go back in time.
I would let my father drive my Corvette when I bought it.
Not think twice about the insurance thing.
But I can’t time travel.
And while I know that making little adjustments like this are chief among the things I’d do as a gift to myself and those around me. That’s yet to come in a world that’s not ready to grant me this ‘superpower’.
But Dad, I just want you to know how important you are and have been to me throughout my life.
Mom Too, but this one’s about you, dad.
Thank you for the games. The Competition. The motorbikes. The house.
And the lifestyle that taught me to believe in more.
But most of all – thank you for the constant mystery you always presented to me in trying to figure out what the hell to buy you for Christmas and your birthday.
You’ll forever be a mystery to me, and I’ve come to be fine with that.
Love, your son.
Brian aka Q
One of the most difficult things I have had to forgive myself for over the years was something that took me years to actually understand why I even felt guilty or responsible in the first place.
In or somewhere around 1999, I met with a couple gentlemen – Dwight DePalmer and Brian Turner – at Old Chicago in Tempe, Arizona.
They had the offer of a lifetime. If I would be willing to take a fraction of the pay I normally worked for by working for $80,000 a year, which my going rate at the time was $150 an hour, I would be given 20,000 shares of Touchscape stock.
It was a sacrifice beyond anything I’d ever considered before, and my future was on the line with this. I had a sizeable house payment at the time – $1346 a month for a 2500 square foot house I had had custom built – a four bedroom house at 406 E Bruce Avenue in Gilbert, Arizona. I was driving a Corvette and my wife – Lisa – was driving a new Lexus RX300 ‘d purchased.
It was a gamble. With my future. And with Lisa barely working – as I was supporting her new low paying dream job flying as a flight attendant for America West airlines – it was a gamble.
But I saw long term. Brian and Dwight had a great idea.
And I believed in that idea.
After some deliberation, I took the gig.
Over the next year and a half, this tiny company of the three of us went from three – to eight – to fifteen people as we obtained a first round funding of $3 million, a second round funding of $15 million, and a third round of funding for $25 million dollars.
But Lisa and I were having problems with our marriage, and as we were having problems – the problems at Touchscape escalated as Dwight, Brian and I failed to see eye to eye with architecture decisions.
For the $25 million in funding, Dwight and Brian decided to throw the company into one direction – supporting the airlines. Something I was vehemently against, as we had great companies such as Ping and China Mist we were supporting which – if we played our cards right and kept nurturing these reputable mid size companies, I was convinced we’d have a much more stable company for the long term.
We were at an impasse.
I refused to work solitarily supporting the airline who’d signed on.
And Brian and Dwight saw the quickest return from the airlines, and were more interested in wealth building.
Now don’t get me wrong. I wanted to be a billionaire as well.
But I also wanted to have a greater variety of different companies to support and do business with. It seemed – more fun – more entertaining – and over the longer term – more profitable.
One day I strolled in – a little later than usual – and the office was empty.
My computer was taken off my desk.
And in Brian Turner’s – the President’s office.
That’s when I was offered a payoff to leave the company.
$20,000, a dollar a share valuation for privately held stock.
I felt robbed. Here we’d had $25 million in funding. I had put my heart and soul into this company, and had worked 80+ hours a week, I had sacrificed $150 an hour for the two years I had been there to get a fraction of the pay – and their idea of a reward for the time and effort I’d invested in the company was….
A spit in my face?
This was early 2001. To say I had flipped the fuck out being pissed would be an understatement. Never in my life had I hated someone – these men – so much in my life – that I wanted – beyond anything else – to see them fail and hard.
Even though many friends were still working there. I wasn’t interested in hearing about their successes.
I wanted these two men who’d robbed me of my time. My hard efforts. My dreams. To suffer.
My marriage spiraled out of control.
On September 11th, 2011.
The world changed.
The airline industry. One and the same industry which the company I had just forceably been shoved out of had placed all its cards in. Instantly in that moment saw its entire revenue stream dry up.
I have numerous memories surrounding the event in hindsight.
I remember multiple timelines. One in which the NSA was actively engaged with me throughout this period of time. One in which the NSA had hacked my company’s connection and I caught them.
But that’s not the timeline I call my primary timeline.
As this country hunted for terrorists.
There was a part of me that was happy for what happened.
Delighted in fact.
Touchscape didn’t last but 6 more months after that as it saw all it’s funding dry up.
Brian and Dwight wound up suing eachother.
My friends, Sandy and Bill, Chel and David- they all went on to work elsewhere.
I felt guilty. And didn’t understand why.
For years, I watched as my country hunted terrorists, as I worked contractually for companies and kept seeing things that didn’t make sense but dismissed it time and again.
Time out of joint. What was causing my deep seeded guilt and why had I become so tremendously addicted to Cocaine shortly after leaving Fort Meade, Maryland and receiving an honorable discharge from the US Army for feigning suicidal desires? Why was an organization like Wells Fargo employing 13 Vice Presidents?
What was the relation of Lisa, my ex wife, and the airlines industry, if any?
And why did it seem like her and I were becoming just like eachother and had this repeatedly happened with other lovers as it felt like my personality was overpowering the women I’d loved throughout my life?
Look. I’m hoping. Praying. That someone in the CIA or NSA intelligence world sees this.
And understands – that I am not lying as I say I know my mind manifested those terrorists. That my hatred and anger at the owners of that company in a literal sense manipulated reality and manifested these people who committed those atrocities against our country.
This is the power of the mind.
I’m sincerely not interested in being God, a God, or anything of that nature.
But this man known as Q on Star Trek. I didn’t take that moniker out of silly-ness or self righteousness.
I took it because he’s me.
Please forgive me, United States.
I didn’t know the power of my own mind and that I, alone, am responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.
I’m deeply, deeply sorry.
Please forgive me.
I’m homeless. I’ve been broke and dirt poor for four years.
And I’m tired of suffering for mistakes I’ve made not understanding myself.
And I’m losing my patience for my situation and finding my jealousy increasingly difficult to contain.